Can a relationship be successful after there's been cheating?
My name is Coach Natalie and I'm a relationship coach and I've dedicated my
life to working with thousands of people who have asked that exact same question:
Can my relationship succeed after cheating?
You know as you can imagine my
response could be a pretty mixed bag. I could tell you, "No, leave them." I can tell
you, "Yeah! fight for it!" But what I will share with you is a success story that I
think might really inspire you to develop your own opinion and your own
observation. So this last year I've been coaching a really amazing man named
Matthew. Matthew and I started working together last summer and he approached
me pretty devastated that his girlfriend, Kaitlyn, of many years had started
cheating on him multiple times with the same person. And after he discovered that
she had cheated, he approached her, spoke with her about it, she came clean,
revealed that she had indeed cheated, she admitted to everything and discontinued
speaking to this other man that she was engaging with. But Matthew was having a
really hard time moving past it. He had a really hard time believing that the
relationship was salvageable, that he could feel respected, that she would be
able to have dignity and integrity moving forward. He was afraid to trust
her. She had broken his trust and he didn't know what he was going to do. So
what Matthew and I did, we focused on so many personal development based exercises.
Ways for him to allow himself to feel vulnerable with her again, ways to allow
himself to feel safe in their home again, safe in her arms again, safe with himself
again, because not only just cheating directly influence the way you see your
partner it directly influences the way you see yourself and like many people in
Matthew's shoes, he felt unlovable, he felt unattractive, he didn't feel sexy,
he didn't feel respected, he didn't feel a whole lot of things. Through the course
of our work together he started to acknowledge a couple of really powerful
observations, ones that ended up saving his relationship. He realized that in the
many years that they were together, he had neglected Kate.
He was too busy with work, he was too busy with his friends' football games, he
was too busy not being in the relationship and expected her to carry
it all by herself. She was often left alone, she was
often trying to get his attention, he was too busy to give it to her, he had other
priorities and it wasn't until he dived into this personal development journey
that he was able to realize that the cheating was a symptom of a problem and
not the problem itself. And sure maybe Kaitlin didn't handle it the right way
but what Matthew identified is that everyone has room for growth, everyone
has things they have to work on, everyone messes up. But if you're lucky the person
you're with will grow from it. If you're lucky you will grow from it and Matthew,
the Matthew I met a year ago compared to the Matthew today, they're two
different men. He feels great, he feels empowered, he feels motivated, uplifted, he
is tender, he is present, he's not as busy, he spends more time with Kaitlyn, she
feels more fulfilled, she feels more nourished, she feels more seen and heard
in the relationship and as crazy as it may sound to many of you shaking your
head saying, "No, Coach Nat, I would never let him back into my life, I would never
let her back into my life. After this entire episode, they're better than ever."
You know, as a relationship coach I can say that people mess up, they make mega
mistakes, some of them larger than others. Some of
them hurt more, some of them last longer. But everyone makes mistakes. It's the
people that can grow from the mistakes that deserve another chance. It's not
about the falling, it's about that getting up. If you are with someone who
cheated and is a compulsive cheater, this is a very different situation. This is a
different person, this is a different type of partner. If you're a Kaitlyn or
you're a Matthew dating a Kaitlyn and she slipped and she made a mistake
because she didn't have the nerve or was too afraid to communicate that she felt
alone and neglected for years on end but was able to
recognize her own feelings, recognize that she felt ignored, able to
communicate it with Matthew who was already alongside her focusing on his
own personal development sounds to me like that relationship deserves a second
chance sounds to me that Caitlyn deserves a
second chance and so does Matthew. The reason I wanted to share this success
story with you is because I think that people get very black-and-white about
infidelity. They get very black-and-white about cheating like, "Oh nope! Well she did
it, it's over. Oh he did it we're done!" Love is red. It's not black or white. It's
not that easy to say yes or no or this or that or here or never.
It's about the things that make us do certain things, commit to certain things,
grow into certain people, not grow into certain people. So I think it's less
about being black and white and more about the two specific people in the
relationship. And if you feel like you are currently in this situation where
your partner cheated or you cheated and you're trying to see if this
relationship is salvageable, use Matt and Kaitlyn's relationship as an example. If
you're growing and if they're growing and you're able to identify what went
wrong and start to incorporate the right solutions to fix it, sounds to me like
this relationship is worth saving, sounds to me like you can earn yourself
a second chance or that they can earn themselves a second chance to make you
happy. I'd love to hear about what it is that's going on in your relationship
whether it's a long-term relationship whether it's marriage whether it's
short-term. Let us know what's going on and we have committed our lives to
helping you stay committed in your relationships. My name is Coach Natalie
I'm a relationship coach. This is HAPPILY COMMITTED and we've developed this
community for you at home to give you a place to be yourself, to feel like
yourself, and to express yourself in a safe environment run by relationship
coaches who have either been there or who have worked with thousands of people
who have been there. Together we're hopeful we can make your relationship
work for the long run so that you can stay HAPPILY COMMITTED.
If you're a first-time visitor, welcome to the family. We take a lot of pride in
the work that we do and we have a lot of success stories just like Matthew's and
Caitlin's to back it up. Visit happilycommitted.com to see our
blog our programs products and coaching packages so that we can continue working
together to give you the results that you're looking for.