Transcriber: RTB Ruhan Reviewer: Sadia Noor Joya
I used to keep a diary a few years back.
One day I got bored and decided to flip through it and I stumbled on an entry
I didn’t remember. It is now one that I will never forget. It reads,
The reason I don't write about practice anymore about the games or about
the season is because I don't want to remember it.
I don't want to remember how sad I am or how worthless I feel.
I was just 13 when I wrote it,
and I continued to write in the same diary until I ran out of pages,
moved on to a new journal and forgot about the entry completely.
Years later, finding that entry again would be heartbreaking.
I’ve been studying, coaching on and off the bench.
After all, I’ve been a student athlete all my life.
I started playing soccer when I was five, basketball when I was seven,
volleyball when I was eight,
and I ran track when I was 12.
I’m no longer a student athlete, but a journalist.
I quit playing basketball two years ago,
and after nine years of playing,
I've had over ten basketball coaches.
Through my personal experience and through structured research,
I’ve learned that there are four distinct types of coaching. Democratic.
A Democratic coach listens to and observes their athletes and develops
a loose plan. As the season progresses and
as they get to know their athletes better,
they’re taking direct feedback to adjust the plan. Authoritarian.
An authoritarian coach observes their athletes similar to a democratic style,
but it lacks direct feedback. It is more of a tell, not ask and is more structured.
Laissez faire. Laissez faire is really not realistic, in my opinion,
especially for public school sports,
and involves full control of practice being in the hands of the athlete.
You, as a coach, are able to assist when asked,
but have no say what is specifically being developed.
And finally, holistic style coaching.
Holistic style coaching is the most realistic and reliable of the four.
It entails seeing the student athlete
and understanding that everything in their life is connected.
It's the idea that you cannot excel in one area without first focusing
on other areas. I know what it's like to be on a winning and losing team.
I know the coaches that I would give credit for my growth on a personal level
and as an athlete. But I also know the coach that has done the most damage,
almost taking the sport I love away from me and forcing me to quit.
The reason I didn't want to write about practice or the games was because
I was being bullied. My coach was mentally and emotionally abusive.
I remember being told that my LeBron’s, the ones that
I had just begged my mom to buy, looked like brown shoes.
And I remember smacking my head on the floor after losing a breakaway.
And instead of helping me stand, she stood over me and scoffed,
telling me that I was wasting time on the clock.
And I remember coming home after a two hour practice of torment and hurt,
thinking that a world without me in it was a better one.
It's crucial that we define a coach
as someone that does not just improve your play,
but is someone that improves your life.
A coach can be a trusted adult, a mentor, and sometimes a friend.
Coaches can be the first line of defense for student athletes,
and we cannot forget that. Not all relationships are stable in
a teenager’s life and if you’re a coach,
your job is to be someone that they can look to for support.
My mentor, who is here tonight, has been my best friend for four years.
She's technically my teacher, but she is also my coach,
having helped me win six state and one national title in journalism.
She is everything and a coach that I've always needed.
And every coach has the potential to be her.
Within a holistic coaching style,
there is the opportunity to focus on improvement, among other things.
She loves to tell me, “You’re doing great, but here’s how you can do better.”
And every coach can see their student athlete and reach out when necessary.
Her room has been my safe haven for years.
She is always ready with a box of tissues and words like,
I love you and I'm here if you want to talk.
And every coach can build their players confidence on and off the court.
When I'm not interviewing, designing, writing for our school newspaper,
she loves to remind me that I'm witty, kind, talented and hilarious.
I believe that there is a misconception in sports involving student athletes
that the goal to building a great player is to build resiliency through tough
coaching. And while I agree to a certain extent,
it is crucial that we acknowledge there is a healthier way to get there.
To build resiliency, we must also build trust.
I have no doubt in my mind the in between
the abusive mind games that coach was playing with me,
there was also the intention to make me a better athlete.
But the difference is that I did not trust her with my well-being
and therefore I was not willing to give her my all on the court.
She made me resilient to mean words and rude comments.
And in doing so, I became extremely susceptible to feelings of loneliness
and rejection. When you're a kid, your hormones, your social standing,
your emotions all change, just like that.
Puberty is affecting your emotions and brains and where we're.
But we have people that are attempting to give grace to our teenagers.
We also have coaches that are failing to see the intensity that is coaching.
You're competing against excuse me, competing.
You're competing against your peers to
the best of your ability while carrying family life expectation from teachers
and administrators and everyday routine.
When you're working with a student athlete,
you're working with an impressionable kid whose whole value is dependent
on how their peers and teachers view them.
Growing up in a public school is a different ballgame.
When I was a basketball player,
I cared about my free throws just as much as
I cared about how my math test was going to go the next morning,
and how I was finally gonna talk to my crush in third period.
We are seeing student athletes as potential, which is necessary,
but failing to see the humanity in it. Push athletes to their limits, absolutely.
But let them know that you will be there when they fall.
I challenge you to create an environment of kindness and still instill a love
for the sport, but more than that, for the athlete.
I do understand that I am not at an all coaches conference right now,
but I still hope that the counselors and teachers
and parents in this room can take what I'm saying and make it work for them.
Listen. Be human and be willing to adapt.
When I surveyed 100 females and 100 males across
the school district at varying grade levels,
82% of females and 70% of males said that they preferred
a holistic coaching style above all others.
The remaining 18% of females said that they preferred a Democratic,
and the remaining 30% of males were half and half split between democratic
and authoritarian. I remember presenting this data to one of my best friends
at the time because he had been playing basketball just as long as I had.
And I remember him telling me, “Emily, girls just don’t want structure.
They just don’t want to be yelled out. I get yelled at, I’m fine.”
Well, I don’t think that anyone wants to be yelled at.
And my intention is not to remove the way that we create discipline
and motivation within our athletes.
I had a coach with a voice that shook the earth.
I mean, she was loud, and I loved it. Her voice got my butt moving.
My other motivation, her pure intention to be in my life
and her intention to help me grow as an individual.
I remember spending weekends with her and her wife was also my coach,
tad bit more subtle, and we communicated like we were a family.
I trusted them and they trusted me to get my all. Yell or whisper or scream
or dance. Do what your athletes need to stay motivated, not the other way around.
That coach that my friend was talking about,
the one that was more authoritarian, had been his club coach for six years.
They had been across the country together and back. They had a relationship.
Holistic coaches that work on mutual trust with athletes are game changers
and should be the standard.
I'm so tired of hearing these horror stories and everyone just brushing it off
because they're just doing what any coach would do.
They’re just being hard on them. They’re just being tough on them.
You don't get to be hard on me until you see me for who I am.
And you don't get to be tough on me until I see your true intentions.
I want to be taught by a human being, not by playbook.
And when all cards are on the table, win or loss,
I still want you to see me and be inspired by
the person you're helping create.
I decided to prepare this TEDx talk a little over five years ago.
I thought that my story was a crutch to hold and a burden to bear.
I thought that by staying mad and disappointed that all the pain that
I felt would’ve been worth it. That is not what made it worth it.
I had friends and family and teachers that saved my passion
and very well, my life. I was lucky.
And when we know that not everyone is as lucky as I am,
we can at least be aware and create a safety net.
So no student athletes are falling through the cracks.
We are vulnerable and beautiful and making mistakes left and right
because that is the way that you learn. We grow and we grow up.
I didn't need to be a better basketball player. I needed to be a better person.
And I needed someone to help me get there.
I didn't want to think I had to do it alone.
I wanted to know that I had a team supporting me.
There will be time to create the perfect path, the perfect kick,
the perfect throw, the perfect athlete.
But we need coaches now that are willing to allow us to grow
as compassionate human beings and prepare us for more than future games
and seasons. Thank you.
[Applause]