MEANWHILE THE PULITZER PRIZES WERE ANNOUNCED TODAY, AND
KENDRICK LAMAR WON THE 2018 PRIZE FOR MUSIC FOR HIS HIP-HOP
OPEN US YET DAMN."
AND ALL I CAN SAY IS GHOLY.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE IT'S "THE FIRST NON-CLASSICAL,
NON-JAZZ PULITZER PRIZE WINNER IN HISTORY."
IT'S OFFICIAL: RAP IS DEAD.
IT'S NOW GOING TO BE DESTROYED BY COLLEGE POETRY PROFESSORS
WITH THE ELBOW PATCHES.
"I WANT YOU TO NOTE THE DICHOTOMY BETWEEN THE LOVE OF
HIS MOTHER AND THE DESIRE FOR THE
'HOE ASS BITCH.' IT'S AN INTERNAL STRUGGLE.
IT'S A ZEITGEIST LEITMOTIF OF A BILDUNGSROMAN.
NOW, THEN, NOW, THEN, WHO'S HAVING SEX WITH ME?
IT'S IN THE SYLLABUS."
OF COURSE, TRUE CONNOISSEURS OF HIP HOP, LIKE ME, ARE DYING TO
HEAR THE LOST WU-TANG CLAN MASTERPIECE "ONCE UPON A TIME IN
SHAOLIN," BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY A SINGLE COPY OF THE ALBUM IN
EXISTENCE.
THAT'S RIGHT, WU-TANG ONLY MADE ONE COPY AND SOLD ONE COPY,
WHICH MEANS I OUTSOLD WU-TANG CLAN WITH MY RAP
ALBUM: "STRAIGHT OUTTA CHARLESTON."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CHARLESTON FANS.
EXACTLY.
LOOK FOR IT AT WALMART IN THAT BIN WHERE THEY SELL CANDY CORN
IN FEBRUARY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, "ONCE UPON A TIME IN
SHAOLIN" WAS ORIGINALLY PURCHASED FOR $2 MILLION BY
PHARMA BRO MARTIN SHKRELI.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, SHKRELI CAME DOWN WITH AN ACUTE CASE OF
"GOING TO JAIL."
SO HE WAS FORCED TO TURN THE ALBUM OVER TO THE DEPARTMENT OF
JUSTICE, WHICH MEANS THAT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE FORFEITED
WU-TANG ALBUM IS NOW IN JEFF SESSIONS' HANDS.
IT'S IN HIS HANDS!
HE COULD BE STARING AT THE ALBUM COVER RIGHT NOW, TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT HOW THERE ARE NINE BLACK MEN HE HASN'T PUT IN JAIL
YET.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: THAT JOKE IS CRITICAL OF THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE POINT OF THE JOKE IS HE'S
TOO READY TO-- OKAY, NOW.
SOME PEOPLE WANT "ONCE UPON A TIME IN SHAOLIN" RELEASED TO THE
PUBLIC, LIKE WU-TANG RAPPER METHOD MAN, WHO TOLD A REPORTER,
"I THOUGHT PEOPLE WERE GOING TO BE ABLE TO GO INTO A MUSEUM AND
LISTEN TO IT.
IF IT WAS ME, I WOULD JUST SAY GIVE IT AWAY FOR FREE."
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK IT TO YOU, METHOD MAN, IT'S 2018.
YOUR MUSIC'S ALREADY BEING GIVEN AWAY FOR FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO METHOD MAN WANTS "ONCE UPON A
TIME IN SHAOLIN" RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC.
HERE TO RESPOND, IN A "LATE SHOW" EXCLUSIVE, THE MAN
WHO CONTROLS THE ALBUM'S FATE, U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF
SESSIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) "YO, YO, YO,
UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
"YO, YO, YO, IT'S THE RETURN OF JEFFERSON
BEAUREGARD SESSIONS, A.K.A. LIL JEFFY LOCK-EM-UPS.
I'M HERE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I WILL NOT BE RELEASING 'ONCE UPON
A TIME IN SHAOLIN' TO THE PUBLIC.
IT'S MINE, ALL MINE!
HA-HA!
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR CHANGE THAT."
>> HOLD UP, HOLD UP.
HOLD UP, HOLD UP.
FIRST OF ALL,-- RIGHT, RIGHT.
I'M SAYING, THOUGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PLEASE.
FIRST OF ALL, -- >> Stephen: WAIT.
WHAT?
>> FIRST OF ALL, THAT ALBUM BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE.
>> YEAH, WU-TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHING TO (BLEEP) WITH.
>> Stephen: WOW!
METHOD MAN AND GHOSTFACE KILLAH FROM WU-TANG CLAN!
I GOTTA TELL YOU, I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOU GUYS.
I LOVE THE 35 CHAMBERS!
>> NO, NO, NO, IT'S THE 36 CHAMBERS, BRO.
>> Stephen: I KNOW... 35 OF THEM ARE GREAT.
SO WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU GUYS?
>> WE'RE ACTUALLY NOT HERE FOR YOU COAL-BERT.
>> RIGHT.
>> WE'RE HERE FOR THE COOKIE.
>> Stephen: OH, RIGHT.
ATTORNEY GENERAL?
"WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T MR. MAN AND MR. KILLAH, TWO OF
MY FAVORITE CLAN MEMBERS.
RIGHT UP THERE WITH INSPECTAH DECK AND DAVID DUKE."
>> QUIT YOUR YAMMERIN', YOU LITTLE KEEBLER.
YOU'VE GOT NO BUSINESS KEEPING THAT RECORD TO YOURSELF.
>> "SORRY, Y'ALL MIGHT BE >> "SORRY, Y'ALL MIGHT BE O.Gs,
BUT I'M THE "A.G."
AND THIS RECORD IS MINE, AND I NEED IT!
IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT RELIEVES THE STRESS OF MY
TERRIBLE JOB.
EVERY MINUTE I SPEND LISTENING TO YOUR DOPE RHYMES IS A MINUTE
I'M NOT HEARING DONALD TRUMP CALLING ME "WEAK" OR
"DISGRACEFUL."
HE MIGHT AS WELL CALL ME AN "OLD DIRTY BASTARD."
LAUGH >> SENATOR, SENATOR, I KNEW OLD
DIRTY BASTARD.
HE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE.
AND YOU, SIR, ARE NO DIRTY BASTARD.
>> NOW GIVE US THE ALBUM!
>> Stephen: "SORRY, BITCHES.
I'M NOT HANDING ANYTHING OVER FOR FREE.
AS YOU CAN SEE FROM MY PROFILE, I'M FILLED WITH CREAM.
CASH RULES EVERYTHING AROUND ME-- CREAM!
GET THE MONEY, DOLLAR, DOLLAR, BILL Y'ALL!"
>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YOU KNOW, I GUESS YOU GIVE US NO CHOICE BUT TO SETTLE THIS
THROUGH THE ANCIENT WAYS OF SHAOLIN.
>> BRACE YOURSELF FOR COMBAT.
>> Stephen: "I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, YOUNG GRASSHOPPERS.
PREPARE TO BE ALABAMA SLAMMA'ED!"
( GONG ) ( GONG )
( GONG )
>> Stephen: A BATTLE FOR THE AGES!
METHOD MAN AND GHOSTFACE, EVERYONE!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU.
JAMES COMEY IS HERE.
STICK AROUND!