- Sometimes it's hard when you think
about where you want to be or where you want your kids to be
and how long it's taking to get there.
Let's talk about having patience during that journey.
(gentle music)
Welcome to the Simply Charlotte Mason podcast.
I'm Sonya Shafer.
Are things seeming to go a little bit slower
than you would prefer with your schoolwork,
with habit training, with managing your day?
Well, here to talk about that is Laura Pitney.
Laura, have you ever felt
like things just weren't progressing as fast as you wanted,
maybe even with your kids' narrations
and spelling or math skills or something like that?
Ever had that feeling?
- A 100% yes.
I would say that's probably the normal for us.
I just think I have these expectations
that it's just going to happen and it's going to be great
and it's all going to be as it should
in our homeschool world, and...
- If we use Charlotte's methods,
it will look exactly like what she describes, you know?
When we say narrate,
then the child is just going to wax eloquent.
- And be happy about it.
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
- So how can we encourage our fellow homeschoolers
in this concept of being content to walk before you run,
I guess is the way I think of it.
- Yeah. A couple things come to mind.
The first thing is,
I think it's really important to know your child
and know what they can do, where they're at now,
and you would know where you want to be
but not give them that extra pressure of,
"Well, you didn't do that right,"
or, "Why didn't you already get this done yesterday?"
Or, you know,
"You're 12 years old, you should be writing narrations
three times a week."
I think it's important to know
where you want to be with your kids school-wise,
but also to know where your child's at
and their temperament and their personality
and maybe their goals for their school.
I just think that there's value
in knowing your child well
so that you don't overwhelm them
with what they they can potentially do.
- Right.
- But they're not going to be there yet.
So I think that's important.
And then I think the other thing is, in my experience,
when I started comparing my children to other families
or other kids their age or things like that,
I found myself getting discouraged
versus being happy and content prior to that comparison.
So I think there's some caution
to be said about comparing
our kids to other kids and their abilities
and where they're at.
And I'll give you an illustration.
I have a sweet mom friend
who is currently homeschooling her last one.
And so her last one is the same age as my youngest
but she really only has one she's homeschooling,
and I have four.
And so the time and effort
she can put into the one is beautiful.
The things they're doing,
the things they persevere through to accomplish.
I mean, it's inspiring, and I'm so happy for them.
But then there's this little seed of doubt
of, I'm not doing what I should for my child
who is similar age.
- Yes.
- And I've had to take a step back
and see this is her season of life.
This is the travel they're allowed to do.
These are the resources they're allowed to buy.
All the things
that maybe I feel like is lacking between me and my youngest
versus her and her youngest is totally different situation.
And I'm so happy for her.
But, yeah, that seed of comparison and doubt
just so easily creeps in,
and it starts making me feel like I'm not doing good enough.
I should be doing better.
Why isn't she doing her narration
the same way this child's doing it?
So I think the comparison is a real weakness
when we're trying to stay steady and walk consistently
versus, like, you're saying,
"I want to just jump in and run
so I can match up to that neighbor friend,"
if that makes sense.
So those are the kind of the first two things
that come to my mind about it.
- As you were talking about matching up,
it seems like what we're talking about is,
in our heads we have a certain expectation
and it might just be an expectation that we've come up with.
And if the child is not matching up
to that expectation right now, we keep seeing the gap.
The other thing is we might have expectations
based on what other people are doing.
So what informs those expectations
can be a couple of different things.
But I think the key
is, instead of always looking at the gap,
yes, keep your expectations,
I mean, you have to have ideals to aim for,
but instead of always focusing on this gap
of where the child is not measuring up,
how big is that gap,
maybe we should focus on how much growth
that child has done to reach the point where she is now.
- Yeah.
- Maybe that would help our hearts to be more content.
- Yeah. Stay on track because there's always progress.
We just may not choose to recognize it
like you're saying.
- And it might not be in this area right now.
I notice that with my youngest a lot.
I might be focusing on this particular area of growth
and I'm not seeing very much,
but if I just raise my eyes
and look at another area of growth,
I'll see, "Oh, that's where all of her energy
is going right now, and she's growing there."
But we tend to get tunnel vision sometimes.
- Yeah. I think that's a really good point.
- So let's take, for example, the area of narration.
I found it really encouraging
when I read "Know and Tell" by Karen Glass,
how she talked about,
it's just like when your child is learning how to talk
or how to walk or how to do anything.
We don't criticize the child
and focus on what they did wrong.
You know, when your child takes that first wobbling step,
it's not like, "Well," you know,
"that wasn't a very good landing, kid."
It's-
(both laugh)
- That would be so horrible to say that, wouldn't it?
- Wouldn't it? But we can do that when they get older.
It's like we expect them to measure up right away
rather than encouraging each step of the way.
So in narration, I hear about this a lot in spelling.
It's, like, if the child does not,
when they're doing dictation, or even before that,
when they're doing transcription
or more when they are writing for their own enjoyment
rather than for school work,
and we see that they're not spelling words correctly
when they're just writing for fun on the side,
it's easy for parents to panic
and say, "Well, I'm doing something wrong
because she's spelling some words incorrectly."
Where it's a process just like learning to talk.
We encourage them, and even as they learn how to talk,
they're still going to throw in
the wrong verb tense sometimes,
they'll still throw in the wrong vocabulary sometimes
because they're still learning as they go.
So I guess there's a difference
between having a realistic and ideal expectation
and having an expectation that is perfection right away.
- Yep. I agree with you.
I think that that's important to keep that perspective
as we're teaching and training our children.
And as you were saying that,
I was thinking, how true is that for ourselves?
Like, we do that so much.
Okay. So I do that.
I don't know about anybody else,
but I put these unrealistic expectations
on who I am as a mom, as a wife, as a teacher,
as an employee, whatever role I'm part of,
I put those unrealistic expectations on myself.
And so as I progress, which I am progressing, I am growing,
I don't want to acknowledge that
because all I see is the ways I've fallen short
because I'm not there yet.
And so I can totally relate to focusing on perfection,
which is totally unrealistic
versus the growth that the Lord's working through me
and around me and with my fa-
I mean, it's so easy to miss that for ourselves.
- Yes. That's a really good point.
So I guess the whole thing is,
what comes to mind is the first two principles of Charlotte
that the child is a person
and that that child has possibilities.
So we never want to lose sight of inspiring them
to become the best version that they can be.
And those ideals in mind,
we always want to keep that in mind,
but we also want to give lots of grace
and celebrate the process as they are working toward it.
- [Laura] Yeah.
- I come back to that visual
of which side are we focusing on?
Are we focusing on the gap
between where the child is and where perfection is?
Or are we focusing on down here,
how far they have come already?
- Yeah.
So how would you encourage me as the mom patiently waiting?
- For yourself
or for your kids? - Both.
All things.
Just tell me.
- One thing I would encourage you to do is to,
well, this might sound geeky.
I don't know.
- Probably. That's okay.
- The idea is, I tend to overlook things
that are too familiar to me.
And so if I want to keep track of, am I growing,
then I will just jot down the areas
in which I want to focus on growing.
Maybe it's spiritual growth,
maybe it's an intellectual growth.
And if I wanted to,
I could even put down specific goals in each of those.
You know, not I will attain perfection,
but I will read one biography every month or-
- For once a year.
- Yeah, I was going to say,
if you don't want to put the time limit on it,
just I will have a book that I am continually reading.
- Yeah.
- So I like to write down those areas
in which I want to see growth
and then just keep the stream going, keep the streak going.
Every time I put forth some effort in that particular area,
somehow note it, somehow celebrate it.
That I am putting forth that effort,
intentionally trying in that area.
- Yeah. I think that that's a great idea.
And for you, words and writing it down works really well.
I was just thinking,
for me, it would be good to have a friend
I would share that confidence with.
- Someone to say, "How are you doing in this area?"
- Yes. To keep me accountable.
Because if you know me,
I'm the worst accountability partner ever.
I will let you eat all the chocolate or cake or whatever.
If you just say you want it, I'll say, "Sure, have it."
So for me, that is a huge weakness, is accountability.
So to have somebody look me eye to eye
and say, "How are you doing in this area?"
would be more beneficial to my personality
versus writing it down like would be beneficial for you.
Just because we're different in that way.
- Well, and I think though that what you described
could be very helpful because when I'm writing it down,
I have only my own perspective.
And so I can very easily say, "Oh, I missed it.
I'm a bad mommy."
Whereas when you're talking with a friend
who is walking this journey with you,
you can say, "Oh, I blew it in this area.
I didn't do such and such."
But then she can say, "But I noticed that you did do this.
And I noticed compared to last month,
you've made some progress in that area."
So I think you're right.
Having an outsider's perspective can be very helpful.
- That would be encouraging.
Because sometimes you just feel so lonely or alone
as you're walking this homeschool journey
or just being a housewife or mom
or whether you're to the homeschooling years yet
or maybe you're an empty nester,
whatever that those areas are that we want to grow,
I think that that's important to have that community
and the accountability.
- Yeah.
And it can be helpful with our kids, too,
in their habits, in their schoolwork,
in strengthening their wills.
You can be that other person to help them.
Like you said, you have to know your child
because some kids,
their personality is going to be to come down on themselves
and be very critical of themselves.
- I'm one of those.
- So in that case,
your task is to inspire and encourage
and show them where they did grow.
Other kids are going to take a different approach
and have a different personality
of, "Oh, yeah, I'm doing fine, no big deal."
And you can say, "Well, but you haven't made your bed
in the last week."
So I think a lot of it
is let's just pray for wisdom and grace.
- Yep, and walking is okay,
being patient and content in that gap area.
And I mean that in a good sense,
like, getting from point A to B,
like, that is where the walk happens.
That's where the journey is.
And it's okay to take the time we need to get there.
- If it's going to be permanent growth
and substantial growth, it takes time.
If you try to force a plant to grow,
you're going to kill it.
If you try to force a butterfly out of its cocoon,
it won't be able to fly.
So many things in nature.
I think the Lord was trying to tell us
something here.
Yeah.
And it's easy for us to get impatient with ourselves.
- Yeah. I think that's what it is.
- And impatient. I guess it is, yeah.
It's a matter of patience.
- Waiting on the Lord's timing for things
versus what our timing is.
And that's probably the heart desire is,
wanting what we want versus what the Lord wants.
I just think there's a, sometimes our view shifts
to where we have to stop and get back on the right track.
- Yeah. And I want what I want now as opposed to later.
But if we can embrace the idea
that there is value in the journey itself,
that that is shaping us in many ways.
It's not just, "Can you spell correctly?"
It is, "What lessons are you learning in this growth?"
Slow growth toward improving in spelling.
Or improving in whatever your habit is.
This gap is not going to be wasted.
- Yeah.
- It's going to be valuable.
- And that's encouragement I'm going to take with me.
The gap is not wasted.
- The gap is not wasted.
- Yeah. - Good word.
If you enjoyed this podcast,
be sure to subscribe through iTunes, Google Play, YouTube,
Facebook, Instagram or your favorite podcast apps.
You don't miss an episode.
Thanks for joining me.
I'll see you next time.