Yes.
It is true.
I lost the presidential election in 2012 to Mr. Barack Obama.
But that is only because I thought the world was ending.
So I withdrew from the election and hid under a rock on top of me.
But now in 2016,
It is finally time for me to formally annouce to the country,
No, the world.
No, the entire city!
That I, Ryan Higa, will once again be running
Four (for) kilometers down the road to the registrations office,
Where I will fill out all my information,
To run for president, again!
No, thank you for having me.
Hi, I'm Ryan Higa.
And today I'm going to show you how easy it is to run for president by example.
After 5 simple lessons, you'll have all the tools necessary to run for president.
Including your own campaign slogan.
Which in my opinion is the most important part.
You know which slogans I'm talking about.
Hillary Clinton has "Fighting for us".
Donald Trump says "Make America great again.
As for myself, I don't have one yet.
But by the end of this video, not only will I have a good campaign slogan,
But a slogan that is better than all the other candidates' slogans put together
So let's get started.
The first lesson in running for president:
You gotta be able to answer all the tough questions.
For me, answering tough questions is nothing new.
Not only have I answered tough questions.
I've answered some of life's toughest questions.
Such as
They were both first the chicken was inside of the egg.
Yes, Justin, it is in fact too late to say you are sorry.
No, no, no. The sum is 19.
Unless you're 19 and you still think 21 is a funny answer.
No, Frozen 2 does not come out for another 2 years.
Well, yes. It does make you look a little fat.
What, you asked for honesty.
Wh- Why would you even ask me if you expected a certain answer ?
We're just going to the movie theatres why do you even need a dress in the first place ?
Can we please just go ?
Thank you !
Now what do you wanna go see ?
I just told you it doesn't come out for 2 years, Justin !
Now that you can answer all the tough questions,
You are now ready for lesson 2.
Addressing the big issues.
Every election, candidates are always asked about the same big issues.
Education, gun control, North Korea.
All you have to do is talk about those big issues
And give your very own solutions.
The current "no child left behind" act pushes struggling kids forward
And I personally think that is absolutely immoral and wrong.
When there's someone in your group who is slow or disadvantaged
And they're falling behind you and your group
Do you go and push that member forward ?
Absolutely not ! You slow down and you wait for them
Because that's what's right
I plan to abolish the no child left behind act and establish the no child running ahead act
Where we will never push a struggling student
Instead we will slow down the ones that excell
Not only will we protect South Korea
But East and West Korea as well
And every other direction in between
We're still not sure which side North East Korea is on
But thank's to my future vice president Kanye
We know that we have North West on our side
Some people believe that guns kill people
Others believe that people kill people
But I've always believed that people kill guns
And just like pets have protection with PETA
I plan to start Gunna
Where you can have a gun
But if you abuse it in any way
We're gunna kill you
Every good politician knows that if you make the people afraid of something
They'll look to you to fix it
Look at what Donald Trump did for example
With all the recent bombings and terrorism going on
He made the people fear muslims
And Donald Trump says he wants to ban all the muslims from our country
Now I completely disagree with that but I do believe in freedom of speech
So when I become president Donald Trump can still say whatever he wants
But I'm going to make it mandatory for him to have a muzzle on
That's right we are going to muzzle him
And he will henceforth be known as a muzzle-im
You see what Trump did wrong is that banning all muslims is unrealistic
The fear that you introduce needs to be something believable
Something the people can relate to
Something real
Washing machines ! Not everyone has one
But for the ones that do
I'm here to tell you
That in 2017 all washing machines will come to life
And there will be a war
Not just for America but all of humanity
And I know this because I am from the future
Even if you can't keep them you have to make promises of things you would change if you become president
And these promises just need to be things that everybody would be happy with
All future award shows will be only hosted by Steve Harvey
Anyone who says the word Hello
Will no longer be able to follow it up with "it's me" or "I was wondering"
Anyone who writes articles that list things
Must put the entire list on that one page
Rather than putting a bunch of the things listed on different pages
So you have to keep clicking "next page"
All sports will be renamed more accurately to what they look like
Basketball shall be known as bouncy oranges
American footbal shall be called organic egg toss
Tennis will be known as spiderweb slapstick
And most importantly
International football or American soccer
Will no longer be called either
But instead a combination of the two names football and soccer
Put together to create a more accurate title
Known as flopper
Can we get somebody to fix that fireplace ?
There we go.
And last, but not least:
Your campaign.
Now this is probably the most important one because this is what wins the elections
It doesn't really matter what you plan to do or what you plan to change if you have a good campaign
And most importantly - I've mentionned it before:
You gotta have a good slogan
I can fix it
From hope to higher ground
I am fighting for you democrats
Make America great again
My name is Ryan Higa
And today I need all of you
To help me
Find
My
Speech !
It's uh- I think it may have fell out of my pocket on the way in
So the front row if you guys could check
I actually can't start without it so if you guys could all pitch in
We could do this a lot quicker
Anyone ?
I found it !
See ? Wouldn't want to be choking on this
Can't be president if I'm dead right ?
Alright, where were we ?
Yes, I may have lost the presidential election in 2012
And yes, I may have lost the Teen Choice awards in 2015
And yes, I may have even lost my iPhone in an Uber 2 weeks ago
But there is one thing I will not lose
This election !
I know there's a lot of other candidates who have their own visions for this country
Well not only is my slogan better than all of their slogans combined
But I have something they don't have
More YouTube subscribers !
Even though 60% of those subscribers aren't old enough to vote yet
And 40% can't vote because they are from a different country
That still leaves the rest of you
And together we can do it !
A new American leader from the future to defeat the washing machines in a fight for America again
I'm Ryan Higa and I don't approve any of this sh-
So thank you guys again so much for watching
If you want to see the previous video click the one on the right
If you want to see bloopers and behind the scenes
Click the one on the left
And remember people
I need you help in order to win this campaign
I need all of you to keep hashtagging the hashtag
#Higa2016
And together we can defeat the washing machines
And make this country Washing Mac-free