I was looking
at my friend's VSCO earlier,
when I saw this amazing picture
of a migrating tree frog who --
[ Sniffing ]
Wait. I'm sorry.
I could be wrong here, but I think I smell some smoke
and that can only mean one thing --
It's time for "Ya Burnt"!
♪♪
Welcome to the burn zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through
and not a lot of time. Over here is the burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load her up.
[ Flames crackle ] Hoo-hoo! Ouchy, my fingy.
First up, the "Sex and the City" reboot.
[ Flames crackle ] And I couldn't help but wonder,
"What the hell were you thinking?"
That's right, the show I've accidentally watched
in its entirety four times, with four different girlfriends,
is finally getting a reboot,
but with no Kim Cattrall.
You can't do "Sex and the City" without Samantha!
She was the sex! You take Samantha out,
it's like taking Willy Wonka out of the chocolate factory.
And, if Samantha were here, this is where she'd say --
[ As Samantha ] I wouldn't mind having his Willy Wonka
inside my chocolate factory.
And the joke wouldn't exactly make sense,
but Cattrall sells it!
Besides, Samantha got the girls into every red carpet event.
Where am I supposed to watch Charlotte fall in love now,
The Learning Annex?
Also, we already have a "Sex and the City" reboot.
It's called "Emily in Paris"
and it's beret-ly watchable. That's a Carrie joke.
The "Sex and the City" reboot, next round's on you.
Ya burnt! [ Flames crackle ]
Not now, bitch.
There's a pandemic going on, it's 20° outside,
and I've seen every "Law & Order" twice.
I'm either going to look at my phone
or down the barrel of a shotgun.
And, hey, screen time report, why do you need to tell me
how many hours I've been using my phone every week?
Stop narcing on me, to me.
Also, it just so happens I wasn't looking at my phone,
but then I got a notification
and it was you, telling me I look at my phone too much.
Kind of petty of you to criticize me for this,
since it's all your fault. McDonald's doesn't print,
"Don't get diabetes" on their napkins.
Side burn, McDonald's.
[ Electronic voice ]
Screen time report,
you're basically a drug dealer who says,
"Hey, man, I'm worried about you.
You're doing a lot of drugs." [ Laughter ]
If you really want to help, send a push notification to 911
if my screen time drops to under an hour,
because it probably means I'm dead.
Screen time report, are you my retinas?
'Cause ya burnt.
Hey, black ice, I think we're good
on deadly things we can't see for a while.
Seriously, why are you so hard to spot?
You're like "Where's Waldo?" if, at the end of the book,
he wrapped your car around a telephone pole.
Look, black ice, I don't want to die on the highway
because of some stupid, invisible ice.
I want to die the way the Lord intended,
on the highway because I was texting while driving.
And stop trying to make yourself sound cool
with that name, black ice.
You're not a superhero played by Mahershala Ali.
I haven't been this disappointed by the name of something
since Tracy Chapman released "Fast Car."
Black ice, I can't see you,
but I know ya burnt.
[ Flames crackle ]
Let me get this straight.
You're just a head of iceberg lettuce
cut in half? You're not a salad.
You're somebody getting ready to start making a salad.
Ordering a salad and getting
an intact head of lettuce smothered in ranch
is like ordering a steak and having a cow wander
over to your table with A.1. on its back.
A wedge salad is a restaurant's way of saying,
"Here, make it your damn self."
Of course, if Samantha we're here,
this is where she'd say -- [ As Samantha ] Trust me,
if I could toss my own salad, I'd never leave the house.
Wedge salads, go get wedged up a sous chef ass.
Ya burnt.
[ Flames crackle ]
If you're going to tell corporations
which websites I'm looking at,
at least have the decency to not call yourself something
as delicious as cookies.
You're the worst thing to happen to cookies since raisins.
Seriously, cookies,
you don't have to track everything I read.
I already feel weird about the fact that I'm reading
"20 Things You Don't Know about Lady Gaga."
Wait. What's her real name?
Huh. That's long.
Website cookies, as the poet
William Frederick Durst once said,
you can take that cookie and stick it up your,
yeah, stick it up your,
yeah, stick it up -- ya burnt!
[ Flames crackle ]
Are you sure you shouldn't be seven?
You're the filmmaking equivalent
of widening the margins on a term paper.
Good God, I wanted a refresher on the Civil War,
not a real-time reenactment.
And, by the way, how are so many people
getting tricked into joining sex cults?
At some point, don't you look around during the orgy
and think, "That main guy isn't that handsome.
Ah, son of a gun."
Also, cults, why are you shooting so much footage?
Did you make any effort to keep your cult a secret?
Michael Jordan got ten episodes for his show
and, bad news, Keith Raniere,
you're not exactly
the Michael Jordan of volleyball.
But good news -- I just sold the crime documentary series
on me murdering the guys who made the last one.
10-part documentaries, ya Ken Burnt.
[ Flames crackle ] Ah...
...the perfect way to say, "I don't want to catch COVID,
but I still have a train robbery to conduct."
Let's call you what you are --
a bandanna you just pulled up slightly.
I haven't seen someone wear a bandana that poorly
since I went on that cruise with David Foster Wallace.
"Joke"?
[ Laughter ]
But, hey, neck gators, I guess you are protecting people
because, the second I see someone wearing you,
instead of a mask, I cross the street.
See ya later, neck gators. Ya burnt.
[ Flames crackle ]
Hey, we're all happy you're taking a month to not drink,
but, next time, can you take a month
to not rub it in my face every chance you get?
At least, when you had a bottle in your mouth every few seconds,
you weren't talking so damn much.
Telling me to go through a whole month of the pandemic
without alcohol is like telling me
my screen time was up 17% last week.
Now is not the time!
Have you seen the news?
The only way I'm going to get through this is
if it's followed up by Heroin February.
Dry January, bet you wish you were wet
because ya burnt!
[ Buzzer ] Listen up! Uh-oh!
That buzzer means we're out of time.
Looks like I'll have to burn the grand dame
of the Laurel Canyon folk rock scene some other time.
This has been "Ya Burnt"!