Hi there. My question is how can I learn to not let the idea that all men just want sex
control my dating life? Got it. Okay. Thank you for that question. A couple things. Men
do want sex and some men do just want sex. And you will come across that in your dating
life if you are operating again under the belief that you think that the only thing
you have of value is sex to a man. You're actually diminishing your worth in his eyes
because if that's how you're operating then you may feel very insecure and not actually
show the best parts of your personality because you're not thinking they're valued by the
guy. So, that belief that men just want sex is actually incredibly, even though it seems
like it's out there as an accusation against men, it's actually an accusation in a knife
turned inwards towards your own value; thinking that that's the only thing you really have
to offer guys. I can tell you I've surveyed men on my email list, and that have been with
me for many years. As well as I've seen studies that have been done by larger organizations
around what men are actually looking for and over 85% of men surveyed are looking for a
long-term relationship. Now look, you might catch some single guys in the dating scene
who are fresh out of breakups that are not emotionally available. You might catch men
at a certain stage of development as well that are not quite ready to settle down and
have a relationship because they might still be trying to carve out their purpose. So,
understanding a man's stage of development is crucial. We talked about that in Week 3
Module 3, but we dive into what is actually going on inside his mind of The Becoming the
One program. Of you know how to identify what stage of development the guy is in and whether
he is just somebody that is wanting just intimate or just sex from you, rather than actual connection.
So, the first thing to do is just to loosen up around that belief and realize that if
you're wanting a relationship it is to trust that there are guys out there that want that.
In fact, the majority of men out there do actually want a relationship. One of the ways
that guys feel comfortable connecting because men typically operate in a more narrow spectrum
of what's acceptable in terms of emotions is through physical intimacy. That does not
mean that you have to give it to them if it's in violation of your values but just to know
that that's kind of what comes with the programming of being a guy. Culturally as well as biologically
given just some of the chemical balances in their body and the way that they are raised,
and perhaps to think about I mean a lot of men if they haven't done a lot of work they
might still be in a conquest mode. Thinking that they need to rack up a number or they
just want sex without having their heart involved. And it it's your job to be able to identify
those guys and put boundaries up and not take that personally. Not take it personally just
realize that that is on them it's not on you and you don't have to interact with those
guys in the quicker. You can stop trying to change, and save, and connect their heart
to their sexuality the more that you can open up the space for the right guy to come into
your life who's already done the work and who is already sharing that same timeline
that you're on. Awesome buddy. Just one little coda that I’ll add to that. My experience
of historically connecting with women and dating. The women that were most likely to
say, “men just want me for sex,” or “men just want sex” were the same woman that
were often pushing me to be sexual quickly. So, there was something in their identity
that I think was mediating the process. They were actually locating their value in their
sexuality and there wasn't a deeper self-worth, and value, and authenticity online. The right
guy generally doesn't become the wrong guy because you wait to have sex with him. You
can just trust in that. The right guy doesn't become the wrong guy because you waited to
have sex with him. If you're not ready, if he's your guy, he'll want to be in tune to
you. He's not gonna push you. He's gonna want to understand, and explore, and feel that
are mutually right. And I just want to point out too that Jack and I we talked about vulnerability.
We talked about leading from our hearts. We talked about giving people the benefit of
the doubt. Being generous. And that is not to be confused with not having a backbone
and knowing when to walk away from a connection that you are not compatible with. You can
only be empowered, and loving, and courageous, and open, if you equally have the ability
to have boundaries and to be able to walk away from the situations. And walk away from
the men that are not worth your time, that you are not compatible with. And so just want
to couple those two things together because that's what Jack's talking about here is adopting
the perspective that allows you to say, “Look. If this is the right guy then I can show up
as my authentic self and draw the boundaries where I need to and he's gonna stick around
and respect that. And if he's not, stop trying to change him. It's time to walk away.”