How to fix a broken relationship? I've brought in the relationship mechanic.
You're going to want to see this.
Okay, relationships are one of my favorite
things to talk about and especially when I have a friend on board who's an expert
in relationships. I've introduced him to you in other videos as the author of
this brilliant little book that is titled, You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married
and I think that's brilliant. This is Brett Williams, folks. His
contact information is down in the description so if you want to connect to
him, that's where you're going to find it. The reason Brett's here today is because
I got a question for you. Okay, you ready for this? Brett, how do
you fix a broken relationship? - That is awesome question. It's a little
complicated though, it's a little complicated because we got to figure out what's
broken and that's the number one thing to fixing anything. If you have a broken
car, a broken radio and what broken any. You got to figure out what's
broken - It's like the diagnosis stand before you prescribe the treatment. - Yeah, and
that's where couples actually get in the most trouble, is they can't figure out
what's broken. Alright, so let me tell you a little story because it just makes
it a little bit clearer for us. So Jill and let's call him Jim come in and they
are a cute couple, they're a good couple, good people, they come in but
they sit on opposite sides of the couch and right away that just tells you
holy moly, what's going on here, what's the story? - I think I saw them. - Yeah,
exactly. So he asked her what's going on and
Jill starts off, she says, "Oh Jim, Jim just never does anything I ask him to do. He
doesn't take out the trash, he doesn't help around the house, he leaves his
socks on the floor. Oh my gosh." She's just fried with all the shenanigans that she
feels like he's just not, he's engaged. - She knows what's broken - In the
relationship. Yeah, she knows, yeah. So then I turn to Jim, I go, "Jim..." No, I don't really
do that. - And Jim fires you. - Exactly. I go, "Jim what's going on?
What's your side of it? How do you see things?" and Jim goes, "Oh, you know she's
just never happy, she's never satisfied. No matter what I do, it's just not good
enough." Come on, really? You think I've never ever
washed dishes in my life? Of course I have. Do you think I've never take out
the trash? Yes, it's just never her time,
it's never her schedule. - It's never good enough. - It's never good
enough for her. - He knows what's broken. - Yeah, he does, he does. So I turned to both of them
and kind of my mischievious kind of look and I go, "Hmm, let me see, let me see if I
understand the problem here. Okay, Jill what you're telling me is that you think
Jim's the problem, is that right?" She goes, "Yeah" - And she knows she's right.
- Yeah, so I go, "Jim, let me see if I understand problem. You think Jill's
the problem, is that right?" "Yeah, she's the problem, she's the problem."
So then I turned to both of them, I say, "You know what? That's the problem." The
problem is they are in a right fight, that's where they're stuck. The
problem is, they can't communicate anything because everything they
communicate turns out to be good guys and bad guys. It turns out to be, I'm
right or you're wrong or you're wrong and I'm right
and it's just this battle of who's right and who's wrong and that's going to go
nowhere. - Right. You do have described that perfectly. I've been doing this for
two decades and I saw them in my office. How often is it that people come in and
they're like.. - My book is called You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married
because there's only one fight I have seen couples for 20, 30 years,
there is only one fight that ever comes in my office and that's it, that's the
fight. They fight about kids, they fight about money, they fight about sex, they
fight about in-laws, they fight about all this stuff but it always is one
fight, it's about who's right and who's wrong.
- Instead of what's right or what's wrong. - There it is. - Wait okay, so you're
leading me right into this, okay. You started off by saying, okay the first
thing, if we're going to fix a broken relationship, we have to figure out
what's wrong. We could end the video, right? Because it's not about who's
wrong, it's about what's wrong. If you just searched for this video and found
it or somebody shared it with you, you may be in the place that Jim and Jill
were, just be open to that if that is a possibility in your mind then something
huge could change here as you shift your focus from who's wrong and you know
who's wrong to what's wrong. Walk us through that. - So let's walk through
that. So I have Jim and Jill do that exact thing so I have them actually turn
to each other because it's not valuable for them to talk to me because I'm not
in their marriage, I'm not in their relationship. It's their relationship.
I have them turned to each other and I said, "Jill here's what I want you to do. I
want you to take Jim's hand and I want you to tell Jim what's wrong.You're
hurt, you're scared, you're frustrated, you're disappointed, you feel unloved, it
doesn't matter, you are free to have any feeling you want but I want you to tell
him what's wrong not who's wrong. Jim, I want you to sit back and I want you to
listen." So she turns into him, she starts telling him, "I just feel like sometimes
I'm working harder in this relationship than you are and that makes me
feel like I love you more than you love me." and so she starts to talk about what
her real issue is. She feels this disconnect and
Jim hearing that, he goes, "Oh my gosh, that's not my intention, it's not what I
want. I'm so sorry that you feel like that." And he begins to be able to
connect with something because now he has something to connect to. - And now he's
not defensive too. You'll notice if somebody feels like they're being
attacked as being who's wrong, they're going to naturally get defensive
and if you notice some defensiveness in your spouse, wonder what that could mean.
- Yeah, and then of course I flip it around and let Jim also talk to her to talk to
Jill and say, Jim tell her what's going on.
- What's wrong not who's wrong. - "I feel like I'm never not good enough for you. I, my
number one goal is to please you. I feel like I never can. I feel like I never
can please you because I just never get it right and so after a while I just
feel like I want to quit." And so he bares his soul and start sharing with her
where he's at and she connects with that. Did I cure the marriage in one session?
No, but did I have them walk out in there feeling more connected? Absolutely. - Well
you just put them in position to solve this because now we're focused on what's
wrong right which we can come up with some technologies or some interventions
or some yeah therapies to address what's wrong. It's really changing that
focus then from from who's wrong to what's wrong and then whatever it
is, this is the beautiful thing. Thank you, Brett, because I knew he would do this.
It's cueing us up for success, it's putting us in position to solve anything.
This little conversation that you just demonstrated to us doesn't
solve anything but it beautifully puts you in position to solve anything. Now we
can get working on what's wrong. - Can I disagree with the boss? I'm going to screw
up. Actually it does solve something. What is the real issue? Is we're not
connecting and I just got connected. -You got the connection. - I just got connected.
That's the real issue. Are we going to disagree? Yes.
Are we going to have differences? Yes. Are we going to not see things it seems? Absolutely.
But that's not the problem, that's what's important for couples of see. The problem
isn't that we don't see eye-to-eye at times, the problem is we lose our
connection because we don't see eye-to-eye, right? Just help them
reconnect even though they have differences. - Awesome. How do you fix
a broken relationship? - You got to know what's wrong and
not who's wrong. - Yeah.
Thank You, Brett Williams. Wasn't that awesome?
We got to get focused on what's wrong, not who's wrong. Great stuff.