HA!
HELLO, AMERICA!
AND UNITED STATES OF TEXAS.
[LAUGHTER]
GREAT TO BE HERE.
YESTERDAY WE LEFT NEW YORK CITY.
WHAT A RELIEF!
LEAVING THERE FOR HERE IS LIKE
WAKING UP FROM A BAD DREAM.
LIKE GOING FROM THE TEXANS TO
THE COWBOYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS.
I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SPORTS.
IT’S LIKE GOING FROM JOY
BAYHEART’S DEATH THAT ISN’T
ANYTHING THAT’S JOY BAYHEART’S
DEATH.
I WOULD TAKE A BED OF NAILS,
THAT, I KNOW.
THANK YOU, BY THE WAY, FOR THE
GIFT BASKET.
I’VE ONLY BEEN IN TEXAS FOR ONE
DAY AND I ALREADY GOT AN AR-15.
APPLAUDING AN AR-15.
I GOT AN AR-15 A BIBLE AND BETO
O’ROURKE’S BALLS IN A PICKLE JAR
JAR.
THAT’S AN APPLAUSE LINE.
I AM KIDDING.
WE ALL KNOW BETO HAS NO BALLS.
EVEN CAITLYN JENNER WOULD TELL
HIM TO GROW UP THERE.
I DON’T EVEN GET THAT JOKE.
REMEMBER WHEN HE SAID HE WAS
COMING FOR YOUR GUNS?
AND YOU SAID, YES, TRY IT,
NANCY.
THIS GUY COULDN’T GET A GLUE GUN
FROM AN ART TEACHER.
AND YET HE WANTS TO RUN FOR
GOVERNOR.
THAT’S A JOKE.
HIS ODDS OF BECOMING GOVERNOR
ARE AS GOOD AS HUNTER BIDEN
PASSING A DRUG TEST.
ORIGINALLY I HAD KAT’S NAME IN
THERE BUT I REALIZED THAT HUNTER
IS FUNNIER BUT LIKE BETO, RIGHT
NOW, THE DEMOCRATS ARE RUNNING
INTO A PROBLEM.
WHETHER THEY WANT TO ADMIT IT OR
NOT, AMERICA IS MORE LIKE TEXAS
THAN IT IS LIKE CALIFORNIA OR
NEW YORK.
THAT MEANS --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
-- THIS MONOLOGUE IS GOING TO
TAKE THE WHOLE SHOW.
THAT MEANS AMERICANS WANT AN
AMERICA THAT’S MORE LIKE AMERICA
AMERICA, AND LIKE OUR SHOW, A
LOT OF PEOPLE ARE COMING HERE
FOR THAT VERY SAME REASON,
ESPECIALLY FROM CALIFORNIA,
WHICH MAKES SENSE.
THE U-HAULS ARE HEADED IN ONE
DIRECTION AND THE APOCALYPSE IN
THE OTHER.
THE STATE, CALIFORNIA, IS HOME
TO THE LARGEST SHARE OF THE
COUNTRY’S BILLIONAIRES AND ALSO
THE HIGHEST POVERTY RATE.
THEY BUILD WALLS AROUND THEIR
MANSIONS BUT TURN YOUR
BACKYARDES INTO TRUCK STOP
BATHROOMS EXCEPT WITH MORE POOP
WHICH MEANS THAT CALIFORNIA GOES
TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET WOVEN
BY PROGRESSIVES AND THE RICH AND
POWERFUL DON’T CARE.
SO EVERYONE IN BETWEEN HAS NO
CHOICE BUT TO LEAVE FOR GREENER
PASTURES.
I CAN’T BLAME THEM.
EVERYTHING IN TEXAS IS BIGGER
AND BETTER, EVEN KAT HAS GROWN
SINCE SHE’S BEEN HERE.
SHE’S AT LEAST 5’3", BUT TEXAS
HAD A BETTER COVID RESPONSE THAN
NEW YORK DID, PROBABLY BECAUSE
YOUR GOVERNOR DIDN’T KILL MORE
GRANNIES THAN A BADLY-PLACED
SLIP RUG.
IF ONLY THOSE GRANDMAS HAD BEEN
HOTTER, CUOMO WOULD HAVE KEPT
THEM AROUND.
THAT IS DISGUSTING!
SO HERE’S A COMPARISON.
TEXAS HAS NO STATE INCOME TAX OR
INHERITED TAX BUT CALIFORNIA AND
NEW YORK HAVE SOME OF THE
HIGHEST IN THE NATION WHICH
MEANS YOU, TEXAS COULD HAVE MORE
MONEY TO SPEND ON YOUR KIDS AND
BY KIDS, I MEAN FIREARMS.
IN TEXAS, THE BEST COLLEGE
FOOTBALL TEAM IS NAMED AFTER A
MAJESTIC IMPRESSIVE BREED OF
CATTLE.
IN CALIFORNIA, THE BEST COLLEGE
FOOTBALL TEAM IS NAMED AFTER A
CONDOM.
IN TEXAS, -- IN TEXAS, YOU HAVE
THE BUSTLING NEW TESLA FACTORY
AND THE HOME BASE OF ELON MASK.
IN CALIFORNIA, THEY HAVE 39
EMPTY CHEESECAKE FACTORIES AND A
HOMELESS GUY LIVING IN FRONT OF
EACH ONE.
SO ONE STATE IS BUILDING CARS
AND THE OTHER MAKES PEOPLE LIVE
IN THEM.
IN TEXAS, YOU HAVE TO BUILD A
WALL TO PROTECT THE BORDER.
IN NEW YORK, WE HAD TO BUILD A
WALL TO PROTECT WOMEN FROM OUR
GOVERNOR.
IN TEXAS, THE STATE BIRD IS THE
NORTHERN MOCKINGBIRD.
IN NEW YORK, IT’S A GREASY
PIGEON WITH ONE EYE AND A HUMAN
FINGER IN HIS MOUTH.
WE CALL THAT THE GOOSEY.
IN TEXAS, YOU HAVE JOE ROGAN.
IN NEW YORK, THEY HAVE CNN OR
WHAT’S LEFT OF CNN.
EVERY DAY SOMEONE GETS FIRED OR
ARRESTED.
THEY’RE SO LOW ON EMPLOYEES, CHECK OUT THEIR NEW OFFICE
CHECK OUT THEIR NEW OFFICE
ASSISTANT.
YEAH.
THEY ARE -- THEY’RE SO DESPERATE
AT CNN, SOME EMPLOYEES HAVE BEEN
FORCED TO HARASS THEMSELVES.
NEW YORK HAS HILLARY CLINTON.
TEXAS DOES NOT HAVE HILLARY CLINTON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
TEXAS HAS RODEOS.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK HAS THIS.
THERE YOU GO.
THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL A NEW YORK
RODEO.
A RAT WITH A SLICE OF PIZZA.
THEY BOTH GO WELL TOGETHER WITH
A CHIANTI.
IN TEXAS, IN TEXAS, YOU HAVE
REAL COWBOYS WHO SPEAK POLITELY
AND KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THEIR
GUNS.
IN CALIFORNIA, IN CALIFORNIA, THEY HAVE ALEC BALDWIN.
THEY HAVE ALEC BALDWIN.
IN TEXAS, A HOEDOWN IS A DANCE.
IN --
[LAUGHTER]
WHY BOTHER?
ALL RIGHT.
IN NEW YORK CITY, IT’S WHAT A
COP SAYS OVER HIS RADIO WHEN A
HOOKER IS PASSED OUT ON YOUR
PORCH.
YEAH.
AND THE TWO-STEP, THE TWO-STEP
IS WHEN YOU HAVE TO JUMP OVER A
PILE OF STREET FECES.
TEXAS IS KNOWN FOR ITS BEAUTIFUL
CATTLE.
THAT’S KIND OF TRUE IN NEW YORK CITY.
[SIGHING]
YEAH, TALK ABOUT HUFF AND MOUTH
DISEASE.
HERE IN TEXAS, THERE’S A VAST
GULF BETWEEN TEXAS AND NEW
MEXICO.
IN CALIFORNIA, THERE’S A VAST
GULF BETWEEN THE GOVERNOR’S
EARS.
HERE IN TEXAS, YOU HAVE THE BEST
BARBECUE IN THE WORLD.
IN CALIFORNIA, THEY PUT
PINEAPPLES ON PIZZA.
THAT’S LIKE PUTTING A MUSTACHE
ON MIRANDA LAMBERT WHICH SHE
COULD PULL IT OFF.
IN CALIFORNIA, THEY HAVE DECAFF,
SKINNY SOY NO-FOAM LATTE.
IN TEXAS, YOU HAVE COFFEE.
AND TESTOSTERONE.
IN CALIFORNIA, YOU HAVE SAN FRANCISCO.
IN TEXAS, YOU DON’T.
IN TEXAS, THERE ARE MALES AND
FEMALES.
IN CALIFORNIA AND NYC, THERE’S
JUST ONE NEW ENDER AND IT’S
CALLED LOSER.
THEY USE MORE -- NEW GENDER AND
IT’S CALLED LOSER.
THEY USE MORE HAIR DYE THAN
SHAMPOO.
IN CALIFORNIA, YOU SMASH AND
GRAB.
IN TEXAS, YOU SMASH AND GRAB,
YOU DROP AND DIE.
IN CALIFORNIA, THE HOMELESS
COULD POOP ON YOUR FRONT LAWN.
TRY THAT IN DALLAS AND IT’S THE
LAST POOP YOU’LL EVER TAKE.
IN TEXAS, YOU PRODUCE HEROES
LIKE SAM HOUSTON AND DAVEY
CROCKETT.
YEAH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, CALIFORNIA
PRODUCED THIS GUY.
YEAH.
I WAS HANDSOME.
TRUE, CALIFORNIA HAS WARNER
BROTHERS, UNIVERSAL STUDIOS AND
PARAMOUNT PICTURES, BUT TEXAS
HAS THE "GREG GUTFELD SHOW."
SO THE DIFFERENCE IS STARK.
IT’S A REMINDER OF WHO MAKES THE
COUNTRY WORK AND HOW THOSE
PEOPLE MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR THE
OTHER IDIOTS TO THRIVE.
YOU’RE THE PEOPLE WHO CREATE THE
CIVIL LAWFUL SOCIETY A PLACE
WHERE THE IDIOTS WHO MAKE FUN OF
YOU CAN LIVE.
RIGHT NOW, YOU SEE HOW THE PRESS
TREATS THE TRUCKERS.
THAT’S HOW THEY THINK OF YOU.
THE TRUCKERS ARE A PROXY FOR THE
TYPICAL NON-JOURNALIST,
NON-MEDIA PERSON.
IT’S YOU.
YOUR FAMILIES.
YOUR SPACE.
THIS WEEK, WE SALUTE YOU, TEXAS,
AND THE HARD-WORKING,
FUN-LOVING, ASS-KICKING TEXANS
THAT YOU ARE.
LET’S DO THIS, AMERICA!
WELCOME TO TEXAS.
YOU DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS AND
LIBERALS DON’T MESS WITH HER.
HOST OF OUTNUMBERED AND FORMER
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY,
KAYLEIGH MCENANY.
HE SHOPS ONLY AT THE FINEST
MORGUES, HOME TO FOX ACROSS
AMERICA, JIMMY.
SHE’S ON A 10-GALLON HAT FOR
HOLDING HER VODKA, FOX NEWS
CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF AND
FINALLY, HE’S SO BIG HE BLOCKS THE STARS AT NIGHT, MY MASSIVE
THE STARS AT NIGHT, MY MASSIVE
SIDEKICK AND NWA WORLD CHAMPION
-- I REALIZED, JIMMY, I COULD
STILL SMELL THE DEAD HOBO YOU
STOLE THOSE BOOTS FROM.
YOU’RE A NEW YORK CITY CAB
DRIVER SO YOU WERE EXPOSED
LITERALLY TO ALL SORTS OF
PEOPLE.
ARE THE PEOPLE BETTER IN TEXAS
OR AM I JUST GOING FOR CHEAP
APPLAUSE?
>> NO, YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY NOT.
TWO QUICK THINGS.
I CAN’T EVEN INSULT YOUR OUTFIT.
I THINK YOU DID A GREAT JOB OF
SHOPPING AT YOUR FAVORITE STORE,
FOREVER 5’1".
>> FAIR ENOUGH.
>> TEXAS IN AMERICA -- A LOT OF
US GREW UP HERE, THEY HAVE
FREEDOM AND BUCKY.
EVERYBODY KNOWS BUCKY.
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> BUCKY, FOR REAL, BUCKY’S IS
THE ONLY STORE IN THE WORLD
WHERE YOU CAN GET A CLUB
SANDWICH, AIR FRESHENER FOR YOUR
CAR AND A GRENADE LAUNCHER FOR
MILES.
HERE’S WHY WHEN YOU HEAR THINGS
ABOUT BETO FOR INSTANCE AND THEY
SAY, HE’S BEATING BETO BY 7
POINTS IN THE POLL.
IT’S CLOSER WHEN YOU COUNT THE
POINTS ON BETO’S LICENSE, IT
NARROWS IT DOWN.
THERE’S A GUY THAT TALKS ON THE
RADIO HERE IN TEXAS, I WILL TELL
YOU THAT TEXAS IS NEVER TURNING
BLUE AFTER WHAT BIDEN DID ON THE
BORDER.
THAT’S JUST HOW IT WORKS.
OK?
SERIOUSLY, SELLING TEXANS A
DEMOCRAT AFTER BIDEN IS LIKE
SELLING CARNIVAL CRUISES AFTER
TITANIC.
>> KAYLEIGH, ALWAYS GREAT TO SEE
YOU.
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT
BEING HERE IN TEXAS?
>> AS YOU KNOW, GREG, I’M A
FLORIDIAN.
I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS ARE MY
BRETHREN HERE IN TEXAS.
I MEAN, REALLY.
SERIOUSLY, I CAN’T FIGURE IT
OUT.
WE PLAY THE LICENSE PLATE GAME
IN FLORIDA.
I’M LIKE, THERE WE GO.
THERE’S MICHIGAN, NEW YORK AND
NEW JERSEY AND IT’S REALLY FUN.
I’M SURE YOU DO THAT HERE, AND I
CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT, FRIENDS.
ARE CALIFORNIANS FLEEING TO
TEXAS FASTER THAN THE ABUSED
STAFFERS ARE FLEEING KAMALA’S
OFFICE?
I JUST DON’T KNOW, BUT I THINK
THE ANSWER IS YES.
>> YES, IN FLORIDA AND TEXAS,
YOU COUNT LICENSE PLATES.
IN NEW YORK CITY, YOU MAKE THEM.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE, KAT?
REALLY CLEVER OFF-THE-CUFF
STUFF.
YOU CAN LEARN A LOT FROM ME.
I’LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW THE CEO, PRESIDENT OF
FOX IS IN THIS AUDIENCE?
WE WON’T SAY WHERE.
WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THEM TO
CONVINCE THEM TO PICK UP FOX AND
LEAVE AND COME HERE?
>> WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO
THANK YOU ABOUT MAKING THAT
COMMENT ABOUT ME BEING A BOOZE
BAG IN FRONT OF THE PRESIDENT
AND CEO.
USUALLY, I HAVE TO SPEND ALL
THIS TIME WORRYING ABOUT WHETHER
SHE HEARD THOSE THINGS OR NOT,
BUT NOW THAT I JUST KNOW YOU
SAVED ME SO MUCH TIME.
SO I APPRECIATE THAT.
THERE’S A LOT OF THINGS.
THE FREEDOM, BUT ALSO THE BIG
THING IS THAT HERE, PEOPLE DO
NOT HATE US WHICH IS KNIGHT
NICE.
-- NICE --
WHICH IS NICE.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
PEOPLE SMILE AT YOU.
NOT IN A STRANGE WAY.
NORMAL PEOPLE THAT ARE HAPPY TO
SEE US.
>> TYRUS, THE INTERESTING THING
ABOUT TEXAS, THIS IS THE ONLY
PLACE WHERE YOU ACTUALLY LOOK SMALLER.
[LAUGHTER]
>> LOOK, GUTFELD, JUST BECAUSE
TEXAS IS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE A
SIZE 17 BOOT COULD BE BOUGHT OFF
THE SHELF, THERE’S NO REASON FOR
YOU TO HAVE AN ATTITUDE, OK?
AND CORRECTION, THE STATE BIRD
OUT HERE IS GROWN-ASS MAN.
THIS IS STILL MAN COUNTRY.
YOU CAN OPEN DOORS AND GET IN A
FIGHT IN A BAR AND STILL BE
FRIENDS BY THE TIME YOU GO TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY.
CHURCH ON SUNDAY.
IT’S ALL GOOD.
>> Greg: WHAT ARE YOU
PLANNING TO DO THIS WEEK BESIDES
THE SHOW, TYRUS?
>> I’M EXCITED TO SPEND MY
BIRTHDAY IN TEXAS TODAY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
NOT GOING TO BRING UP YOU FORGOT
-- THANK YOU, KAT, FOR YOUR WARM
MESSAGE.
I RALLY APPRECIATE IT.
GUTFELD WORKED WITH ME FOR
ALMOST A DECADE BUT I GUESS IT
WAS OVER YOUR HEAD.
>> Greg: A LOT OF THINGS
ARE.
I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER MY
BIRTHDAY.
LET’S BE HONEST, RIGHT?
>> RIGHT.
BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A
BIRTHDAY.
YOU HAVE A BIRTH WEEK.
YOU SEND OUT INVITATIONS A MONTH
AHEAD OF TIME.
>> Greg: YES.
>> BUT, NO, TEXAS IS A GREAT
PLACE.
THE ONE THING I WOULD LIKE TO
SAY TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE I GREW
UP THERE -- I HAVE ENOUGH SENSE
TO GET OUT.
YOU’RE WELCOME BUT LEAVE THAT
PROGRESSIVE CRAP OVER THERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: WE HAVE TO GO.
UP NEXT, CAN THE DEMOCRATS STAY