Mark: Hello and welcome.
I am Mark from making yours and I'm back here with Belinda from beloved.com.au Today, we're
talking about an interesting topic.
It's how to handle a guy who's separated.
He wants to date you, he wants more.
He's telling you the right things.
This is a very tricky situation that a lot of women end up hurting.
So we're addressing today how to handle that situation.
Um, I thought I'd sort of start out this by talking a little bit about divorce because
I think someone who hasn't been divorced thinks that it's just kind of like a break up, almost
gone a bit further.
Um, divorce goes a lot deeper than that.
When two people, you know, commit to go together and they get married and they commit, this
is it, this is how we're going to spend the rest of their lives with each other.
Mark: And then that fails,
that's not an ordinary breakup.
That is a breakup that's so much further and cuts so much deeper.
And that's, I want to suggest that first because that's the first thing about separated men
is they are freshly going from that.
You know, some might've been separated a year or two, but they're still in that separated
pattern.
Belinda: Yeah.
Mark: With separated guys.
Um, there's a couple of different sort of positions they could be in.
One is he's telling you it's over.
He's gonna leave his wife.
What are your thoughts on that situation?
How do you,
Belinda: If he's telling you it's over and he's going to leave his wife, I think for
your own sake, you need to not, I'd go, go there.
Just walk away.
Mark: Yeah, I totally agree.
And I think the interesting thing I've found is the guys that are actually going to do
it, uh, tend not to be talkers.
They tend to be action takers and they don't actually talk about their divorce until it's
happening.
The guys that are talking are often ones that, that may not leave their wife at all or may
do it sometime in the future.
Um, but it's, if they're talking all about, it's part of it's the validation part of it's
the seeking attention by the women.
Part of it's the support
Belinda: And part of it's just to get you to want to be with him as well.
Mark: Yeah.
Belinda: It's okay.
It's happening.
Um, don't worry.
Mark: Yeah.
And you know, they might fob you with excuses.
Oh, I can't move out that the kids will, I do to the kids.
I can't move out.
It's the money situation.
Belinda: I've got a business
Mark: Yeah.
They'll fob you with excuses.
There is no real happiness that can be found in this situation.
I've never met anyone who's done well from it.
I don't think I will.
There's just so many complications.
She's still legally married.
He's still in the same house.
He has so many ties.
He can't fulfill your needs.
He loves your support.
He loves to have a woman around and he'll tell you what he wants to hear about leaving
his wife.
And I'm sure he'll have wonderful excuses, but I always just say, don't go there.
Belinda: Yeah.
Um, and I, well, I actually have dated a man who was separated, had left, was in his own
house, um, final stages of the divorce.
And he was, they were signing the paperwork so they were coming to that point.
Um, so basically I exactly, even though he was sort of, um, already out of that relationship,
they were in the process of doing and completing that divorce, the divorce papers, she would
turn up and I would be there. So it, it, it's just, it's not a nice situation.
Mark: yeah, you can really piss off the X as well.
And the court sometimes don't look good on it, but that's a bit of a variable one.
Um, one thing I would say, it sounds like your situation was a bit further forward again.
Yeah.
You meet that guy who actually says and this guy can be much more charming.
I've moved out, I've left my wife, it's over.
But he hasn't actually started those giant proceedings yet.
And there's this weird kind of happy place when there's all the stress of the marriage
and they're living together.
And finally he's like, bugger it, I'm moving out.
And he gets his own place and suddenly life is good again.
He can meet women.
He's having fun.
He's attractive because he's in a positive mindset.
He thinks he's ready to date.
Um, my sort of experience with clients, everything I've read, these types of men are in this
kind of beautiful spot before the shit really...These, these types of men are in this kind of beautiful
spot before the shit really hits the fan because he's about to start, what is it a year?
Some divorces, two years.
And it's just this hell of failure of fighting of custody if that's a thing,
Belinda: Negotiations back and forth, if they have kids.
Mark: Yeah.
But it sounds like we're not letting men who are separated have a relationship.
Mark: Look, I think you have to be really careful, um, if he hasn't started the proceedings
yet, and this is the difference between what your example, if, if he's not yet signed papers,
there's a lot of guys, that's a huge fear.
They, they're still legally married.
He doesn't have to deal with all the business.
He doesn't have to deal with the custody.
He doesn't have to deal with the true failure of his marriage.
There's a lot of, a lot of stuff he's got to deal with.
And I don't think someone in that position should be dating.
If he wants to date casually, that's fine.
I don't think you should date them exclusively.
I don't think you should sell your heart on them.
Um, sleeping with them will get you emotionally involved and be dangerous.
I think someone who's truly taking action and wants to date is getting his papers in
order.
He's taking action, he's making things happen.
And if you do decide to date that man, especially later in the process, you know, he's putting
you first, he's putting you as a real relationship.
You stay out of his divorce.
It's not your problem.
Belinda: Absolutely.
Cause I found he was coming to me a lot about it.
It's really negatively about the ex and saying things in front of the kids and it's like
you need to have respect for one another.
I know it's a hurtful situation and it's a hard place to be and the kids are going through
it as well, but you, um, that is what you're going to take on.
If you're getting into that relationship,
you need to be aware that you're going to be taking on all of this, this drama, which
it is drama for them and you'll be sucked into this vortex, uhm, where you'll need to
be strong but also understand that you won't have a lot of time with that person because
they're going to be looking after the kids.
They're going to be dealing with the lawyers.
They are going to be dealing with the ex.
So, um, you, if you're coming into that place, you need to be really secure in yourself and
know that you're going to have to be on the shelf for a little bit while he sorts all
of that out and be respectful of that.
Mark: Yeah.
And at the same time he should be putting you first when it comes to that as a priority.
Um, yeah.
Something you said before, never be his counselor.
You are not his counselor.
He has friends, he has family, he has his ex to deal with.
You are not a sounding board.
Um, have him update you on how it's going, that he's taking action.
Belinda: Be supportive.
Mark: Yeah, men in this situation are under so much stress.
They're under so much hell.
They will go to women for that support.
They will lean on you and you'll want to support them.
It's not your problem.
The more you get involved, the more helpless you'll feel.
Belinda: Yeah, absolutely.
But I think you can also be supportive in other ways.
So understand what his love language is or her love language is and show love and comfort
so they can actually, yeah, and compassion.
So they have an out so they're not in this emotion all the time by by being that supportive
person without having to be drawn in and sucked into that vortex.
Mark: Yeah.
Talk about stuff normal couples talk about, talk about your work, talk about your fun, have dates.
Um, you know, he will have to update your occasionally on the action that's occurring.
Belinda: Which he should out of respect.
Mark: He should have respect to let you know how it's going, but you don't want to make
it a focus of every second conversation.
If you get into this situation where you're almost a counselor for her and you're giving
him advice on it, it's just, you are dealing with enough by simply dating him and putting
up with that situation where he can't meet your needs.
You do not have to also deal with being his counselor.
At the beginning, you have a right to know, ask him.
Um, when did you, when did you move out?
That's the first question so that you can establish he's moved out.
Ask him, when did you file your papers?
If there's a noof that, you are in a very much backwards situation and you're not in
a great spot.
If he's like, Oh yeah, I did it in March.
This is going through, this is going through, great.
He's taking action.
Belinda: Yeah.
Action is the answers that you need.
Mark: Yeah, the action is the answers that you need.
if it's all talk, if it's all excuses, you're, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak.
I'd like to say that.
I think it could work, but emotionally if a guy hasn't even filed papers, even if he's
moving out, I'd be happy as [inaudible].
Great.
My life is free again.
He's emotionally so far behind where he thinks he is in the grieving process.
I, do you really want to put up with two years of hell.
Belinda: What if they cheated together and he's leaving his wife for you?
Now, that's another.
What are my thoughts on that?
Mark: I'm not a fan at all.
Belinda: Yeah.
Not me either. I think, I think there are exceptions where things have, have you know, lasted,
but I don't think you're going into the right footing of a relationship based on him leaving
someone else to be with you.
Mark: He's still married.
He's still has this huge contention to deal with.
Like whatever that baggage is, he's got years of it to deal with.
It's just, it's hell for you.
He can't meet your needs properly for those two years and it's, yeah, it's not a good
thing.
Action is, is the thing you judge a man on, in this situation.
And the more he's taken when you meet him, like you might think it's prying to go okay.
When did your sort of, when did you file your papers or, um, when did you move out?
But he's, hes married legally you have a right to information if you're going to date him,
you know, there's, you do have that right to ask that.
You don't have to be crazy upfront about it, but when the topic goes there in the first
couple of dates, you have enough.
You have the right to know.
Belinda: If, if you've met someone and they're going through a separation or he's he or she
is telling you they're going through a separation.
I think you just need to step away from that whole situation yourself and move forward
and find someone else that isn't going through that drama at the moment.
Mark: And when you say separation, you mean the separation part as opposed to the divorcing
part?
Belinda: Leading up to the divorce.
Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly.
If they're in that early phase, you'd like to believe that something good can come about.
But there's just years and years of pain and he's going to face fears and he's so far not
emotionally ready to be in a committed relationship with you.
Just steer clear.
There's so many better options and you know, you can say to him, look, I'd love to talk
to you when you've got more of this together.
Um, you know, we can be friends until then, when you've taken more action and you've shown
me, then perhaps we can see.
Yeah.
But you can't get involved at that early stage.
Belinda: Allow that, allow the divorce to, to happen.
And then, yeah.
And then re-engage if you're happy to wait for that long.
Mark: So Bel, I think that pretty much covers it.
Belinda: Yeah.
Mark: Thank you for joining me today.
This is Belinda from beloved.com.au.
I'm Mark from Make Him Yours.
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Absolute pleasure.
Belinda: Yes.
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