There's no possible way
that I could be making this episode for you because I love you
and because of loving you, want you to feel good.
Now, for sure I'm making this episode
because I want more followers,
or because I want you to see how messed up you are
because it's bothering me and you need to change it.
Now, we may be getting love from all over the place,
but whether or not we can accept it and recognize it
is a different thing.
One Way to Ruin a Relationship (The Love Doesn't Exist Story)
People often think
that I focus on the primary relationships that people have in childhood
(specifically with their parents),
because I'm on some mission against parents.
This is so not the case.
What I am on a mission for is awareness.
And the problem is with awareness,
reality is not always sunshine, gumdrops and roses.
The reality that we must accept
no matter how much we love our parents,
is the fact that there is not really a parent alive today
that is in a perfect state of health,
alignment, integration and awareness.
And this means,
because they're not in that perfect state,
they're going to negatively influence
the alignment,
the awareness,
the integration
and the health of the child.
Most parents alive today
do not understand what love really is
and therefore do not express real love to their children.
Most parents can't be truly honest, even with themselves,
about why they had kids.
Most parents don't even see
that the loving things they do for their children
are actually self-serving and often, against the best interests of their child.
Most parents have no idea
how to develop healthy intimacy with their child.
Most parents have no idea how to feed their child
so they're actually healthy.
And most parents have no idea how to parent a child's emotions.
Our awareness as a species is in its infancy.
Now, obviously this stuff is subconscious.
It's a very rare parent that wakes up and deliberately
tries to ruin their child's life. Right?
Most parents are doing the exact opposite.
But our desire to defend our parents
is actually working against us.
When we defend things being the way they are or were
or make excuses for them being that way,
it is because of what we're afraid of happening if we don't do that.
I want you to ask yourself this question:
"If I really admitted to
and accepted the ways that my own parents messed up,
what bad thing do I think would happen?"
Even though some of you,
based off of actually seeing the reality of your parents
and how it influenced your life today,
may decide that the best thing for you to do,
is to separate from your parents for a time,
but this is not... necessary.
It's not necessary at all.
So many people are worried, first and for most,
that if they admit to these things about their parents,
that they'll somehow lose connection with them.
This is not necessarily something that has to happen at all.
Awareness doesn't mean losing connection.
But the more we try to defend someone,
so that we can keep connection with them,
the less likely we are to change a pattern.
And the pattern that I'm about to talk to you today,
is a pattern that needs to change.
Because today people do not really know what love is,
and therefore do not really know how to show it,
most of us did not feel loved as children.
To understand more about what love is,
you can watch my video titled:
What is Love?
And: Your Definition of Love is Wrong
If we grew up the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family,
we felt like we were the family garbage can.
If we grew up the golden child in a dysfunctional home,
We felt that we weren't really accepted for us,
but instead we were accepted
for how much we were able to give ourselves up
for the sake of other people's needs.
If we had a parent that was hell-bent on our success,
we could feel it was really much more about
how they looked to other people,
than it was about really wanting something good to happen for us.
If they gave us something,
expecting something in return,
we could feel that indebtedness
no matter what they said.
No matter what story we told ourselves,
how much of their story that we accepted
or what we told other people,
down deep we could feel we weren't really loved.
Now how we cope with this
is gonna blow your mind.
In order to cope with not feeling loved,
we came up with a belief
that made us feel much less powerless.
The belief we adopt is:
Love doesn't really exist.
It is to tell the story that all people are self-centered
to avoid the feeling that you have no value.
Think about it;
If the most painful thing was to feel that you were not loved,
in which case you would be worthless and emotionally starved,
and not close to the very people upon you whom your life depended,
then the way to escape from that feeling state
and the thoughts that go along with it
would be to tell yourself,
it's not that you aren't loved,
it's that love doesn't exist.
This allows you to maintain your self-concept
instead of feeling like total crap.
This allows you to stay close the people whom
you wouldn't actually feel close to
if you understood you weren't loved,
and this also enables you
to make it more about the universe at large,
instead of just single yourself out.
And this also makes it
so that you can adapt to this scenario,
in order to get your needs met.
And the way that you adapted to this scenario
of love not existing,
is to adopt a strategy in the universe of transaction.
What you do is you accept the reality
that if anything does anything
remotely resembling love towards you,
that it is because they are trying to get something for themselves.
And to the opposite,
any time you do anything,
it's to try to get something for yourself.
This understanding has a real benefit,
because on top of helping you to avoid
the pain of you not feeling or being loved,
it makes relationships both predictable and controllable.
In other words, it's very easy
to understand clearly what gets you discarded and what doesn't.
So when you're at a restaurant you pay the bill.
Why? Because you would rather die
than be indebted to somebody else if they pay the bill.
You meet someone's needs,
knowing that it's a guarantee that if you meet those needs
you will never be abandoned because they do need you.
You get into relationships
where the business exchange being made is very clear, such as:
I'm gonna be in this relationship with this guy
because I'm gorgeous and so I give him status,
he's in a relationship with me because,
I get that financial security from him.
Basically your life becomes a subconscious transactional one.
To understand more about this,
I want you to watch one of my videos.
It is titled:
Cut The Invisible Strings (How to De-Attach From Manipulation in Relationships)
But the flip side of this coin,
the one I really want you to understand today,
is how you react to people showing you love in relationships.
The way that you react to love
when somebody shows you something
that could remotely resemble love,
is by warping it into something that it isn't.
You warp it into something other than love.
What you do is you warp it into
the story that you have of "love doesn't exist",
to avoid the pain of feeling like you specifically aren't loved.
But by doing so,
you completely miss
other people loving you.
Perhaps the most interesting pattern that we can see here,
is the fact that when we are using this strategy,
we're actually using low self-esteem
as a strategy.
Now what am I about to tell you
is going to be hard for some of you to follow
don't be surprised if you have to play back this video to fully understand it;
Low, self-esteem is a strategy for protecting the authentic self.
If you can't survive in an environment as an authentic expression,
because that leads to consequences, the ego is born.
The ego is a strategy,
that can only exist in an environment where there are others.
It is a strategy to become a self that gets approved of.
That self-concept has to be something that endears you
to the people in your life.
The ego in and of itself,
therefore, is a protector.
It protects you by agreeing with the people upon whom your life depends.
So your self-concept,
that endears you to mom and dad, is a poor self-concept.
it is: "I agree, I have no value."
To disagree with mom and dad
by maintaining a positive self-concept,
in the face of not feeling loved by them,
is to be at war with the people upon whom your life depends.
But in order to survive emotionally
the ego that protects the authentic self splits in two.
The vulnerable aspect of ego,
which feels it has no value,
and the protector aspect,
which discovers a strategy to have value for others.
To get love where it isn't being freely given.
The vulnerable self-concept gets suppressed
through the strategy you are using to be valued.
A transactional one.
It is helpful to see that a low self-concept
is a strategy and therefore it too
is not who and what you really are.
It is an inauthentic expression.
I've drawn you this diagram to try to explain how this works.
So if this is the authentic self,
that protector self that comes in, in front of it, is the ego.
The ego then splits.
All the fragmentation that's happening is essentially about the ego splitting
(it can split many times).
But here's this polarity split.
The polarity split that happens is:
the strategy which is endearing you,
it's keeping you safe cuz it's endearing you to mom and dad,
by agreeing with them,
so therefore, the strategy itself is shame.
And this part that's suppressed is the virtue (those positive aspects).
This is one of those reasons that I'm telling you that,
what's in the shadow is not all negative.
Sometimes it's positive.
If you're using this strategy that we're talking about today,
shame is your strategy to get closeness,
therefore, It's the protector self.
But as you can see, these are fragments
of the original protector,
which is still hiding the authentic self.
If you watch yourself,
anytime somebody does something that resembles love,
either you don't take it in,
or you warp it into something that's digestible for you,
something other than love,
so that you can take it in and meet those needs of yours.
For example,
let's say that somebody does something nice for you;
You're asking yourself:
"Well, they're probably wanting to get something out of it?"
And then you decide what that thing is
and you give it to the person.
Or someone helps you with a pattern that you've got going in your life,
and you tell yourself:
"No. It's not because they love me, it's because,
this pattern of mine is so obnoxious to them
that they want me to change it for them."
Someone cooks something for you
and what do you tell yourself?
"It's because they want recognition for how talented they are."
Someone helps you to get healthy or lose weight
and you tell yourself that they're doing it because
they're so embarrassed being seen with you.
Someone does some chore around the house
that helps take pressure off of you, and what do you tell yourself?
Either they're doing it to absolve themselves from guilt
or it's being done just because it needs to be done.
Someone invites you on a trip to go somewhere,
and what do you tell yourself?
They just don't want to go alone.
I could go on and on all day with these examples.
If you want to see an example
of someone who has adopted this strategy clearly,
watch the character Connie Baker,
played by Jennifer Goodwin,
from the movie Mona Lisa's smile.
When you operate within the world with this strategy,
what happens is a scarcity mentality,
where you end up starving to death,
because you have to work so damn hard
for everything you get.
You have to make everything a transaction.
You have to work hard for everything coming in your direction.
You also build walls to prevent feeling good.
When you do this,
what you're doing is building walls
not only to keep pain out, but also to keep pain in.
Because of this I want you to watch two of my videos.
The first is titled: How To Receive
The second is titled: Building Walls To Keep Pain In
Because we live in a world
where quite frankly, people don't know how to love each other,
it is important that we understand
when somebody is being transactional
and calling it love.
We have to understand when they're doing something
saying it's for us, when it really is 100% for them.
But let's just stop here for a minute.
If you're one of the people who relates to this video,
you're already well aware of that side of the spectrum.
Where you fall short when it comes to awareness,
is recognizing it and receiving it
when somebody is actually loving you.
When people are trying to show you love
and you have this strategy,
what it feels like
is putting quarters into a pay phone
and it constantly just falls out the coin shoot.
This makes people in your life feel un-received.
This makes people feel unloved by you.
It makes you someone who is exhausted and starving,
living in a world of scarcity.
This makes it so you can't discern between people who do love you
and people who don't.
This makes it so you cannot face the actual pain of your life
that you're trying to avoid.
The terrible self concept and pain
of not being truly valued and loved by people who you tell yourself
should have loved you the most.
And whom you are the most desperate to feel closer to and valued by.
If you need help facing this wound,
try the completion process.
You can read about how to do the process in my book,
that is quite literally titled:
The Completion Process
And if you want assistance with it,
you can find a practitioner of the process at:
www.thecompletionprocess.com
This strategy is a strategy of avoidance and resistance.
And what you already know is that everything we resist persists.
So what will persist in your life
is a life where you can't feel genuinely nourished
and where the people in your life can't feel
genuinely taken in.
It's very hard for people to fully commit to somebody
who never receives them.
Also, it's impossible for us to be really committed,
regardless of what we say,
because we are only ever as committed
as the transaction is present.
If you have someone in your life that is like this,
then what you've got to do is make them aware
of when you are showing them something
or doing something for them because of love.
Because they're going to naturally warp it,
remind them;
"Hey, I'm actually doing this for you because I love you."
Also the other way to make this safe
and the only way to make it safe, is to expose the times
and the circumstances
when you're not doing it because of that,
but are in fact, doing it because of a transaction.
It makes relationships safer for us to say:
"Yeah, I'm doing this so that, this can happen."
That's safer than not exposing the transaction at all,
which is where most of us are.
If we continue to live from this story
we will perpetuate the same kind of world
that created this pain,
that created this strategy to begin with.
So the change in the world must happen with you.
Recognize the things that you do
in order to get a need met by other people.
And recognize the story that you're telling yourself
every time somebody shows you love.
And first and foremost,
recognize this wound that you are trying to avoid feeling
by telling yourself the story
that love doesn't exist.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte