>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND SO MUCH OF MY TIME HERE
CHOPPING THE GIANT OAK TREES OF THE NEWS.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO COLLECT THE SAWDUST, MIX IT WITH BINDERS
AND RESIN TO MAKE A PULP SLURRY, AND PRESS IT ALL INTO
THE PARTICLE BOARD OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!"
>> Stephen: NEVER FAILS.
NEVER FAILS.
"MEANWHILE," BABY.
"MEANWHILE."
>> Jon: THEY LOVE IT!
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, TODAY IS MITT ROMNEY'S 72nd BIRTHDAY, AND
HE TWEETED HIS OFFICE BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION, SAYING "MY TEAM
SURPRISED ME WITH A CAKE MADE OUT OF MY FAVORITE SNACK--
TWINKIES."
WHICH IS FITTING.
JUST LIKE TWINKIES, MITT ROMNEY DOESN'T AGE, AND HE'S EVEN
WHITER ON THE INSIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- DELICIOUS.
DELICIOUS.
>> Jon: OH, MAN!
>> Stephen: BUT THE WEIRD PART IS ROMNEY BLEW OUT THE CANDLES
BY PICKING THEM UP AND BLOWIN THEM OUT INDIVIDUALLY.
OKAY, THAT DOES IT!
HE'S A SKRULL!
THERE'S NO WAY.
EVERYTHING HE DOES IS LIKE AN ALIEN GOOGLED "HOW TO DO A
NORMAL."
(AS ALIEN)
CYLINDER WITH AIRFLOW, OR AM I TO INGEST IT INTO MY MOUTH
REGION?
EITHER WAY... FUN."
( LAUGHTER )
TOWN IN GERMANY RUSHED TO INVESTIGATE A MURDER, ONLY TO
FIND THAT THE WOMAN HAD REPORTED IT, SHE JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO
REMOVE A CAR BLOCKING HER GARAGE.
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SOMEONE WAS GONNA FESS UP TO A MURDER, THEN
HAD SECOND THOUGHTS.
(GERMAN ACCENT)
PHONE?
I MEANT CAR.
OOPS.
ICH BIN EIN SILLY LADY.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO BURY... AN AUDI."
( LAUGHTER )
BILL DE BLASIO IS-- FOR SOME REASON THAT TOP SCIENTISTS
CANNOT FATHOM-- EXPLORING A PRESIDENTIAL RUN.
( LAUGHTER )
OPPORTUNITY TO BE SEEN PUBLICLY DANCING TO THE MUSIC OF--
♪ ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT, R. KELLY!
NOW, SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT THE MOMENT THE MAYOR REALIZES HE'S
DANCING TO THE MUSIC OF A SEX MONSTER.
HE'S FLAPPING...
AND HE'S FLAPPING...
AND, OH, MY GOD.
WHAT AM I DOING?
IN RESPONSE TO THE LEAKED FOOTAGE, A DE BLASIO SPOKESMAN
EXPLAINED IN AN EMAIL, "THE MAYOR WASN'T THE CHURCH'S D.J.,
AND HE CERTAINLY CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO RECOGNIZE EVERY
R. KELLY TRACK.
THANKS."
"PLEASE LET THIS GAFFE DIE IMMEDIATELY, BECAUSE HE HASN'T
EVEN ANNOUNCED YET, AND THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!
I JUST GRADUATED FROM VASSAR, AND I NEED THIS JOB.
THANKS SO MUCH.
OH, AND P.S.: YES, I KNOW IF THERE'S, LIKE, ONE R. KELLY
SONG YOU SHOULD RECOGNIZE IT'S 'I BELIEVE I CAN FLY.'
YOU KNOW THAT!
I QUIT."
MEANWHILE-- I CAN REALLY DO THIS.
I CAN REALLY DO THIS.
MEANWHILE, THIS YEAR, BARBIE TURNS 60 YEARS OLD.
AND I HATE TO BE CATTY, BUT IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE SHE'S HAD
SOME WORK DONE.
JUST PUMP THE BRAKES, GIRL.
NO ONE HAS THAT MUCH NECK.
( LAUGHTER )
STUMPED AS TO HOW TO CELEBRATE, DON'T WORRY.
MATTEL HAS TURNED A HILTON HOTEL SUITE INTO A LIFE-SIZED BARBIE
HAVEN FEATURING A PINK POOL CABANA AS WELL AS A LIFE-SIZED
DREAMCAMPER.
PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO PAY HUNDREDS OF
DOLLARS TO GO ON VACATION IN THEIR DAUGHTER'S BEDROOM.
( LAUGHTER )
EXPERIENCE, THE HOTEL WILL ALSO PROVIDE A DUDE WITH NO GENITALS.
( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN TURTURRO.