- Life has been una mierda lately
so that's why I bring you, Rosalinda,
a telenovela so violent, demented, and depressing
it'll make you feel like your life is
sunshine and rainbows
because telenovelas are hell.
(intense guitar strumming)
(explosion)
This telenovela tells the story of Rosalinda.
She's young, hot and dating Fernando Jose,
a stud who's so crazy about her,
it looks like he's cumming in his pants
every time he looks at her.
(squirting sound)
Their lives could not be happier.
She even gets pregnant,
and gives birth to a baby that
comes out of her vagina perfectly clean.
No blood, not even an umbilical chord.
These two are so damn happy and smiley
that you just know something bad's about to happen.
Like when you eat a questionable street hot dog
and start to feel something bubbling in your gut.
And that's when we meet, Valeria
Fernando Jose's Ronald McDonald looking,
anger management needing step-mother.
Valeria hates Rosalinda,
and the very day the couple comes home from the hospital,
Valeria drops by to tell Fernando Jose
that Rosalinda's mother murdered his dad.
(crowd gasping)
Being the extra large idiot that he is,
Fernando believes her
and abandons his wife and baby
like a little pussy boy.
Rosalinda then wakes up from a peaceful nap
to find her psycho mother-in-law
striking a pose on her door.
and informing her
that her husband's just left her.
Rosalinda faints from the shock
and drops her baby on its head
which Valeria then steals from her.
That's just the tip of the telenovela iceberg.
When Rosalinda realizes her baby's been stolen,
she goes into full crisis mode
roaming the streets with her pieses descalzos
asking strangers,
"Have you seen my baby?"
"She's small and round"
"like an albóndiga."
and then passes out in a public park.
While asshole of the year, Fernando Jose
drives around his convertible feeling sorry for himself,
Rosalinda gets put into an insane asylum
where she spends all day nursing a doll
that she thinks is her baby.
Rosalinda's roomie in the asylum,
an important looney tooney,
steals her baby and then lights herself on fire
causing the entire building to explode.
Everyone thinks Rosalinda died,
so they bury her.
And during her funeral,
Fernando Jose is very sad.
But not too sad to go on and marry Rosalinda's sister.
Little did he know that Rosalinda actually survived,
but lost her memory.
So she's once again roaming the streets,
burned, dirty and getting attacked
by a homeless man who forces her
to turn to a life of crime.
One night while she's out robbing houses,
she stumbles into the home of
a sexy, Brad Pitty looking talent manager
who gets one look at her and says,
"I'm gonna make you a star, kid!"
Next thing we know,
her face is in every newspaper,
she's performing for packed theaters,
and she's rich as can be.
The
end--
Just kidding.
Obviously I'm kidding.
Open up your umbrellas 'cause a piss storm's a comin'.
One night, Rosalinda attends a concert with her manager
and would you believe?
It's none other than Fernando Jose.
(gasping)
When she sees him on stage
tickling that piano wearing
the most beautiful scarf in the world,
she suddenly regains her memory
and freaks out so bad
that she runs out to the street
and is immediately run over by a car.
One day later she wakes up in the hospital
with a broken face looking like a hard boiled egg
and when she asks where her husband is,
she's told he's married her sister.
(slapping sound)
Rosalinda's life is so terrible
that she has officially won telenovelas.
When the show ends, she's walking down the aisle
about to marry this rich daddy that
she doesn't really love,
just to get revenge on Fernando Jose.
But while the wedding is happening,
Mr. Lloroncito finally gets a pair of balls implanted.
He travels by car, by tractor
and then finally by horse
to crash the wedding and get his love back.
Rosalinda suddenly forgets about
all the shit he's done to her.
She dumps the nice older guy and marries him instead
even though they were technically already married,
but whatever.
What I do know is hopefully
everyone lives happily ever after.
The end.