- If you're thinking about rescuing a cat, don't.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, rescuing a cat's like rescuing a hobo.
(audience laughing)
They've seen some shit in the streets.
It's not getting out of their DNA anytime soon.
(upbeat instrumental music)
we got a rescue dog.
Also, we got a rescue cat.
Big mistake.
The rescue dog we got from East L.A.
(audience laughing)
Apparently some Mexican gang bangers had spray painted
her to look like a Raiders helmet.
(audience laughing)
And that's when we took over only to find out very quickly
A, the dog doesn't speak English.
Didn't know that was a thing.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, and B, hates Mexicans.
(audience laughing)
If you think Trump has a distaste for them,
(audience laughing)
this dog fucking hates them.
Just, she sees a Mexican she's like (barking).
I'm on the other end of the lease like,
"Hey, what's up, homeboy?"
(audience laughing)
He's like, "Yo, what's up with your fucking dog, holmes?"
"Well, she hates Mexicans."
(audience laughing)
"That's fucked up, homie."
"Well, you tell her."
"I can't."
(audience laughing)
"No, you gotta beat that shit out of her."
"Ha ha, I think that's why she hates Mexicans."
(audience laughing)
Then we got a rescue cat.
If you're thinking about rescuing a cat, don't.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, rescuing a cat's like rescuing a hobo.
(audience laughing)
They've seen some shit in the streets.
It's not getting out of their DNA anytime soon.
(audience laughing)
This cat's favorite thing to do is catch rats outside,
bring them into our house, and let them go.
(audience laughing)
First day we got this cat I put in a cat door
so it could run away.
It didn't.
(audience laughing)
Apparently, it stuck its head out the cat door
in the middle of the afternoon and was like,
"Hey, there's a new motherfucker in town"
"and if you wanna fight me"
"meet me in my living room at 2 a.m."
(audience laughing)
Two neighborhood cats enter our house
(audience laughing)
and fight our cat in our living room
in the middle of the fucking night.
(audience laughing)
My bitch-ass dogs are like, "Lock the doors."
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- Maternal urges start to bubble up
because they're unrealized.
You did not verbalize last night on your date
that you might one day possibly
with the right person want kids.
So it's bubbling up.
You're sitting there eating your Oreos
and you're like, "Uh, baby."
(audience laughing)
"I want a child."
"Ah, family."
"Ah, baby."
"Who's the baby?"
And you look over and who do 100% of us
take out our parental urges on?
Our pets.
(audience laughing)
Who's the baby?
(audience clapping)
And your dog is sitting there like, "Oh fuck, it's me."
(audience laughing)
And you (whooshes) scoop him up.
You don't give him a chance to run.
You sweep all four legs, Daniel Son, just (whooshes).
(audience laughing)
And you throw him on his back.
The dog's like, "This is not natural."
(audience laughing)
And then you start to rock him.
Now you're a psychopath.
You're like, "Oh, who's the baby?"
And the dog's like, "Please, I'm nauseous."
"You're my angel."
"Ooh, wants kisses. Wants kisses."
(audience laughing)
The dog doesn't know their kisses.
All the dog sees are your canine incisors
coming at his face.
(audience laughing)
This tooth right here is what lets him know
that you're a carnivore, right? (gnawing)
Human beings don't get this close
to other human beings faces
unless it's like in a UFC way and like,
"I'm gonna eat you motherfucker."
And that's exactly...
(audience laughing)
"You're my baby." And the dog's like, "Please put me down."
"Wants belly kisses. Wants belly kisses."
"Please don't bite my dick." (gnawing)
(audience laughing)
It doesn't even occur to you that he might be terrified.
You're like, "Oh, he loves his mama."
"He loves me."
He loves you.
Next time, notice the Cirque de Solei backbreaking stunt
your dog is willing to pull to get away from your love.
He's like, "I died well."
(audience laughing)
Dog looks up at you, closes his blouse.
(audience laughing)
Goes and hides under something he deems impenetrable
like a kitchen chair.
(audience laughing)
"Yes, from behind these four legs I will lead the war."
(audience laughing)
What's really fucked up is that 10 minutes later,
the dog has forgotten.
(audience laughing)
He's forgotten the broad strokes of the abuse.
Here's what he knows.
He knows something bad happened.
(audience laughing)
He knows something bad will happen again.
(audience laughing)
And again and again.
(audience laughing)
He also knows that he loves you,
(audience laughing)
but he's conflicted because he knows
that the person he loves is the one who's going to make
the bad thing happen.
(audience laughing)
So it's like Stockholm Syndrome meets "Groundhog Day."
(audience laughing)
- The need to take care of something
besides your dusty friends is fucking insane.
(audience laughing)
Real talk. At one point I was like we gotta adopt a dog.
I gotta take care of something.
My husband said, "What kind of dog you want?"
I said, "A big one."
So he came home with a lab mastiff.
(audience laughing)
Do you know what a mastiff was?
I didn't know.
I should of Google Image.
(audience laughing)
We have a pony.
I have a pony.
(audience laughing)
She's 140 pounds.
She's my goal weight.
Listen,
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
I have a shovel for her shit.
I wear overalls.
I look like a Puerto Rican Kathy Bates.
Listen,
(audience laughing)
I see so much shit before 11:00 a.m. that's not mine.
I'm a good person.
(audience laughing)
She was big and black and beautiful.
She won't stop growing.
I'll call her Precious.
(audience laughing)
Too soon? Too soon.
Spoiler.
(audience laughing)
And I don't mean to be a big titty PSA,
but I just wanna say if you're gonna adopt a dog,
look into a black or brown one
because white and beige ones get adopted first
and the black ones go down first.
#BlackDogsMatter.
Thank you so much.
Are you writing it down?
You'll remember.
(audience clapping)
(upbeat instrumental music)