many tensions within relationships
can usefully be looked at through the
prism of a concept
much used within psychotherapy the idea
of rupture and repair for
psychotherapists
every relationship is at risk of moments
of frustration
or as the term has it of rupture when we
suffer
a loss of trust in another person as
someone in whom we can safely deposit
our love and whom we believe can be
kind and understanding of our needs the
ruptures are often quite small
and outside observers perhaps
imperceptible
one person fails to respond warmly to
another's greeting
someone tries to explain an idea to
their partner who shrugs and
says offhandedly that they have no idea
what they're on about
in front of friends a lover shares an
anecdote which casts the partner
in a less than flattering light or the
rupture can be more serious
someone calls someone a stupid fool and
slams a door a birthday is forgotten an
affair begins
the point about ruptures is that they
say nothing in themselves
about a relationship's prospects of
survival
there might be constant rather grave
ruptures
and no breakup or there might be one or
two tense moments over a minor
disagreement
and then things head towards collapse so
what determines the difference is
something that psychotherapists are
especially keen to teach us about
the capacity for what they term repair
repair refers to the work needed for two
people
to regain each other's trust and restore
themselves
in the other's mind as someone who is
essentially
decent and sympathetic and can be a good
enough interpreter of their needs
as psychotherapy points out repair isn't
just
one capacity among others it is arguably
the central determinant of one's mastery
of emotional maturity
it is what identifies us as true
adults good repair relies on at least
four separate skills firstly
the ability to apologize
a sorry may not be as easy as it sounds
for it isn't just
a few warm words one has to say the true
cost is to one self-love if one's
already on the verge of finding oneself
somewhat intolerable
then the call to concede yet another
point to own up to being
still more foolish emotionally
unbalanced controlling
hot tempered or vain can feel like a
demand
too far we may opt to dig in and avoid
a sorry not because we're overly pleased
with ourselves
but precisely because our unworthiness
feels
so painfully obvious to us already
and lends us no faith to imagine that
any apologies we did make
could arouse the kind of forbearance and
kindness we
crave and yet so badly feel
we don't deserve secondly
the ability to forgive there can be
equal difficulty
around being able to accept an apology
to do so requires us to extend
imaginative sympathy for why good people
which includes us can end up doing some
pretty bad
things not because they are evil
but because they are in their varied
ways tired or sad
worried or weak a forgiving outlook
lends us energy to look around for the
most generous reasons
why fundamentally decent people can at
points
behave less than optimally when this
kind of forgiveness feels impossible
therapists speak of a maneuver of the
mind known as
splitting a tendency to declare some
people
to be entirely good and others just are
simply
entirely awful in dividing humanity like
this
we protect ourselves from what can feel
like the impossible dangers of
disappointment or grown-up ambivalence
either someone is pure and perfect and
we can love them without reserve
or quite suddenly they must be appalling
and we can never
ever forgive them we cling to rupture
because it confirms a story which though
deeply sad at one level
also feels very safe that big emotional
commitments
are just too risky that other people
can't be trusted
that hope is an illusion and that we are
basically all alone
thirdly the ability to teach
behind a rupture there often lies a
failed attempt by one person
to teach something to another there was
something that they were trying to get
across when they lost their temper
or got into a sulk maybe something about
how to behave around a parent or what to
do about sex
how to approach child care or handle
money and yet
the effort went wrong and they forgot
all about the art of good teaching
an art which relies to a surprising
extent
on a degree of pessimism about the
ability
of another person to understand what we
want from them good teachers aren't
after miraculous
outcomes they know how resistant the
human mind can be to new ideas
they swallow a very large dose of
pessimism
about successful interpersonal
communication
in order to stay calm and in a good mood
around some of the inevitable
frustrations of relationships
they don't shout because they didn't
from the outset
allow themselves to believe in total
symmetries of mind
when they're trying to get something
across they don't push a point too hard
they give the listener time and know
about defensiveness
and as a fallback accept that they may
have to respect
two different realities they can in the
end
bear to accept that they will always be
a bit misunderstood
even by someone who loves them very much
fourthly the ability to learn
it can feel so much easier to get
offended with someone
than to dare to imagine that they might
have something
important to tell us we may prefer to
get hung up
about how they informed us of an idea
rather than address the substance
of what they're actually trying to
convey it isn't easy to have to imagine
that we are still beginners
in a range of areas they can accept with
good grace how flawed they remain
the good repairer is ultimately a good
learner that is they have a lively and
non-humiliating sense
of how much they still have left to take
on board
it isn't a surprise or a cause for alarm
that someone might level a criticism
at them it's merely a sign that a kindly
soul
is invested enough in their development
to notice
areas of immaturity and in the safety of
a relationship
to offer them something almost no one
otherwise
ever bothers with feedback
in the japanese tradition of kinsuki
broken pots and vases
are artfully mended using a gold
inflected lacquer
and displayed as precious works of art
as a way to emphasize the dignity and
basic human importance
of the art of repair we should do
something of the same with
our love stories it is a fine thing to
have a relationship without moments of
rupture
no doubt but it is a finer and more
noble achievement still to know how to
patch things up repeatedly
with those precious strands of emotional
gold
self-acceptance patience humility
courage and a lot of tenderness
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