Sorry I'm late. Traffic, am I right?
So, is, uh, is there assigned seating,
or should I just grab any open desk?
Uh, we don't have desks.
Right, open workspace, very modern,
kind of a start up vibe. I like it.
Uh, you don't work here.
Of course, it's you.
Don't.
Okay.
Rolling thunder!
Great, now they're armed.
I've still got my bat.
Mom, Dad, I'm going to the--
What was that?
- What the mustard? - Henry.
Baby, are you hurt?
Hey, bring those suitcases to the front door, would ya?
Hey, will you guys hurry up? I'm parked in a handicap spot.
You're not supposed to do that.
I'm also not supposed to have a driver's license, but I do.
[groaning]
- Get outta my way! - Whoa.
Move it! [screaming]
What is it?! Kill it! Kill it!
Stop Ray!
What- What's in your mouth?
Is that your phone?
Okay, I have to go to three stores,
but I finally found a 10,001 piece jigsaw puzzle.
Well, box up people.
I want hands on pieces and pieces on the board.
Let's go.
Hey, can you guys watch my class ferret while I-
What is on your face?
Well, if you mustache.
Mom!
Oh, hey.
Your mom went to yoga class, but I'm here.
Yeah.
Henry!
That's Piper.
Yeah, I know. We gotta get rid of her.
[laughing]
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh. Oh.
Okay, here's some extra pillows.
Okay. Okay.
Piper did not deserve that.
Dad, come back here!
I am not giving you $1,000.
I'm trying to make our whole family rich!
Ow! Your knee is poking my heart.
Let me read you the email!
The email is fake.
It's not from the real prince from Yerba.
Oh, then why does it say right here,
"I am a real prince from Yerba"?
Huh? Princes do not lie.
[screaming]
Henry?
[screaming]
And if the robot didn't trash this place, who did?
That would be me.
Piper.
What? What? What are you doing?
Well, I called my friends, but none of them wanted
to come to your nerd party.
So, I'm trashing the place
so that when Dad gets back, he'll think you threw one.
Can you call them back and tell them it's a cool party?
They know you. Won't work.
Hey, who's this? Your mom?
No, she's not my mom.
Your girlfriend?
- Hey. - Bingo.
[screaming] What the heck, man?
Piper? What are you doing here?
Feeling good, looking better.
No, I mean, why would Josh Moss invite you to her sweet 16?
I'm internet famous. I get invited to everything.
What are you two doing here... in tuxedos?
Standing over an unconscious guy?
You have two children?
- Oh, yes, we sure do. - Fabulous kids.
My son is really the most--
Hey! Don't you close that door! I mean it!
Sorry, what'd you say?
Hey, you guys! Is Henry here?
Uh, we don't know where Henry is.
Wait.
Why are you guys dressed up like freaks?
- Oh. - Well, you see--
- It's because-- - You know what?
I don't even care cause my prom is tonight!
Okay, I'm home,
and I don't want to talk to anybody!
Well, hey, Piper. How was your day?
I just said, "I don't want to talk to anybody."
Oh, okay.
Piper's here.
Get. Get.
Hey.
Look, it's Piper.
Uh, you guys are standing in my kitchen... and your filthy
and you're holding shovels.
Well, sure.
Cause, we are rehearsing for a play.
Uh-huh? A play? Theater? Nice.
Sorry you had to see that but, uh--
[screaming]
No! Stop it!
No! This is not for you!
Who's Brad? [screaming]
Piper? What are you doing here?
I just made a fresh pot of coffee.
Helps me get through the workday.
- You do not work-- - Who's Brad?
I'm back from the mall.
Piper?
Hey. Dad, I maxed out all three of your credit cards.
What up with the cop?
You said she was in jail?
No. We arrested your son.
[screaming]
I'm in a band.
- No, you're not. - I know.
But, uh, I think I'd be pretty good in one.
So, uh, you should come check us out.
We'd exist.
Where's my cranberry mango fizzy punch?
Hey, Piper.
Hey, Josh. Love your dress.
Thank you.
I'm going to wear it once, then throw it away.
[laughing]
[Piper] Are you kidding me?!
Out the window. Out the window. Out the window.
Yeah, that's right! You'd better run!
Uh, you want to help me?
Why? Did you help me?
No, you ruined my meet cute.
Oh, my gosh, Henry, what happened?
Henry, are you okay?
No. I'm not.
I... I can't see my feet.
Dad, will you please grab my hand?
Nope.
No, no, no, no. Inside. Go inside.
What's wrong with her?
The doctor says she has text neck.
It's caused by texting, you know,
looking down at screens all the time.
[groaning]
I hate this thing. Help me take it off.
No, no, no, no. You have to wear this
or your neck will never get better.
♪ Boy, you smell so fruity ♪
♪ I'm a pirate Hear my my booty ♪
Arrgh!
Oh, my god. Are you rapping?
- Yeah. - Well, don't.
Oh my. What happened?!
Uh, I tried to stop him.
Who?
- The robbers. - What robbers.!
Where's Otto?
They took him, but not without a fight,
which you can see from my face.
- Jasper! - What?
- Get up. - Why should I?
Cause you're going to carry me to my friend Marla's house.
I'm not going to carry you. I ain't no horse.
Fine. Then I'll just upload this video
so the whole world can see it.
Video of what?
Him... trying to sing the cup song.
Uh, excuse me.
Why, did you burp?
Ew.
Disgusting.
Hi. Pretty great video, right?
It's an amazing video.
We've watched it like 25 times.
Cool. So where do I sit?
Uh, on your butt.
What's on your head?
A glass hat. I just got it.
Oh, I've heard of those.
I am not okay!
Oh. Oh. [laughing]
I did it!
[screaming]
Why would you do that?
Where have you been? And why are you sneaking
into your room at one in the morning?
Because I was out... moon bathing.
Moon bathing?
- Hey! - Uh, nothing.
Why are you touching my phone?
Uh, I was just... cause, be-
[screaming]
I... here.
Oh, he brought it.
Hallelujah.
[screaming]
Hey!
Oh, hey, Piper. Whoops.
[gasping]
Did you just dropped my phone down the sink?!
Well, yeah, but it was an accident.
[gasping]
Hey, that's not the light switch.
Sent.
Hey, Jasper, how's my social life?
Well, Emma's having a sushi party this Saturday,
and she wants to invite Stephen to make hot skater boy jealous.
But she's afraid to ask him.
Mmm, no problem.
Text Stephen and invite him to Emma's sushi party.
On it.
Steven? Steven? Steven? Steven? Ooh, got it.
[screaming]
Jasper!
Oh, hey, Piper.
Did you go into my bathroom and take my curling iron?!
Yeah, but I--
Hey! Don't you yell at my Jasper.
He jacked my Girly Curly.
[groaning]
She yanked on my eyelashes!
[panting]
[honking]
[panting] I'm so tired.
Uh, quit whining, it was only four miles.
Henry!
What?
Were you in the upstairs bathroom?!
Is that makeup on your face?
You knocked my phone in the toilet!
Oh. Sorry.
Sorry?!
Henry! Henry, I am gonna kill you!
Hey, you're not supposed to be the middle school hallway.
Where's my phone?!
Wha? I don't know where your phone is.
Hey, Henry, quick question.
Get outta here!
[whining]
It's on my face! It's on my face!
Everything's under control.
Little girl, stop running so I can shoot it off your face!
What makes you think--
Mom, I'm hungry!
Piper, I'm trying to have a meeting.
Where's Henry?
At work. He said I could have my meeting here.
Why?
Cause my parents don't like young people.
Why is there a cake here?
[screaming]
[laughing]
Got it.
What are you guys doing?
We're watching Dog Judge.
Ooh, I wanna watch Dog Judge.
Yeah, every thinking person in America
wants to watch Dog Judge.
Hi.
Ah. Finally, there's Piper.
Yeah, here's me.
Hey, Piper, I brought you a present.
Uh, that's okay.
- Guess what it is. - I don't--
It's a free ticket to Uncle Mark's merry-go-round.
Dad!
Dad's not here.
- Why not? - He went to play golf.
Ugh. Why?
Cause it's Saturday and he's a dad.
What else is he going to do?
Okay, you guys, more Chinese food coming in.
Chinese! Chinese! Chinese!
Yeah.
Henry! Henry. I need to find Henry right now.
I need to find him. Henry! Where are you?!
Henry! Henry! Henry, where are you?!
You guys saw her too, right?
Yeah.
You guys know who that is?
I have no idea who that woman is.
I should have said something.
She reminds me of Jasper's mom.
Right?
Yeah, she definitely does.
But like prettier and more normal.
Someone tell me where Henry is.
It's very important that I find him.
Hello?! Am I talking to myself?
I've got to tell him that- Hi, Charlotte.
Pss.
Piper. What do you want? I'm guarding the wall.
I know. I want to take a wall-fie in front of it,
but, uh... I'm a few followers short right now.
Hey! Hey!
Did I say you can come in my room?
Did I ask?
I just need a pair of scissors to open my new phone case.
Here, just give it.
Gross. Don't use your teeth.
[grunting]
Whoa. What the? What's going on?
Quit your job.
[footsteps]
Uh. Did you feel that earthquake, too?
Mom! Mom, I'm not okay.
Piper, we're trying to study here.
I'm talking to my mother.
What's wrong, baby?
Jessica unfollowed me.
No one cares.
Henry.
Why would Jessica unfollow you?
Cause, she posted a pic of her with me and Alison.
So I posted a comment that said "OMG, you look so gorgeous."
Well, that's nice.
No, cause Alison thought I meant she looked gorgeous.
So she posted a comment that said, "Thanks, IOI."
And so then, Jessica got jealous and unfollowed me
and now I hate myself and I'm gonna die.