Like many queer girls, I had a Kristen Stewart phase.
Is it really a phase though if it's been going on for like seven years and there is no end in sight?
Probably not.
Probably not a phase.
[BEEP SWOOSH SWISH CRUNCH]
But the kicker is that for most of the time that I had this little obsession with Kristen Stewart
I didn't know I was bisexual.
So for a lot of the time I was just like
"Not in a gay way. It's called a lady crush.
I heard about it on HelloGiggles, and it's super heterosexual. Don't you worry."
Here's a cat to make this video relatable.
But unfortunately for little closeted Marina, there is a lot of documented evidence of this super straight crush.
And we're gonna go through it and shake our heads at the lack of self-awareness.
I've looked up the tag "Kristen Stewart", so every time I tagged a post with Kristen Stewart it appears for me to look at.
Boy. I'm excited.
So the first thing that comes up is from five months ago, which was after I came out, and I was watching The L Word
and I just wrote "so far the only character I care about in The L Word is Kristen Stewart".
Kristen Stewart is not in The L Word but there is a character that looks very similar to Kristen Stewart
and she is so hot and I love it.
Okay so I found a post from two years ago where I say
"it’s a travesty that i’ll probably never get to date kristen stewart tbh"
So just your average really straight thing to say.
I don't know what this is from but it is a very attractive photo set of Kristen Stewart wearing glasses
not unlike my own.
So make of that what you will.
And she kinda has this like 'come hither' face on and it's good.
It's really good content I will say.
Here are some pictures of Kristen Stewart with some short, edgy, gay hair.
And she's kind of doing a little awkward smile and wave to the camera.
And I tagged it with "MY WIFE" so again being a hundred percent so good at being a straight person.
They'll never know Marina that you're gay.
More Kristen Stewart pictures because of course.
Oh my god this is the gayest one of them all.
It's Kristen Stewart wearing a backwards baseball cap and like a t-shirt with rolled-up sleeves.
God is so good you guys.
I'm-I'm not religious.
Here is a quote from a September 2015 article where Kristen Stewart is very vague about her sexuality
but also is pretty clear about her sexuality
and I tagged it with "OMG"
because straight people get really excited when someone comes out as not heterosexual right?
That's a normal thing.
[laughing] uh so
Two years ago I said
"I just feel this intense need to protect and cuddle Kristen Stewart I can’t explain it ok"
I have an explanation for you Marina, but I'm gonna let you figure that one out on your own.
Ya baby.
Oh my god, here's a side-by-side comparison of Kristen Stewart and James Dean with the Taylor Swift lyrics
"You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye"
[sighs]
[sighs again]
I've got-I've got no explanation for this.
I just want to point out that pretty much every photo
there are a lot of photo sets of Kristen Stewart on here
and pretty much everyone I've tagged it with like
"MY BB" or "MY WIFE" or "OMG" or "I LOVE YOU"
So just keep that in mind.
Two years ago I said
"i just remembered that kristen stewart was in my dream last night
and half of the dream was me talking about how great kristen stewart is"
[cough] Gay.
Here is me defending the hell out of Kristen Stewart, and the whole like cheating scandal and I still will do it.
I will fucking fight to the death for Kristen Stewart and defend her because that is some bullshit.
Over two years ago someone said
"I ship you and Kristen Stewart."
And I said
"Me too, man. Me too."
And that is still accurate.
So three years ago someone asked me
"Would you ever consider dating a girl?"
and I said
"I don’t know if I’m romantically attracted to girls but I had a crush on a girl in high school"
That is...
[sigh]
You're gay Marina! You're so gay.
"(and on Kristen Stewart lbr) so I’m not completely opposed to the idea.
Idk sexuality is weird?"
Sexuality is weird but also come on man just...
I reblog this post and it says
"kristen stewart is so feminine and so masculine and so sweet to young girls
and so foul-mouthed and so giggly and so brooding and i want to lick her hair"
It's like the farther I go back the gayer it gets.
Also when I was interning at a YouTube network I realized that I wrote an entire article defending Kristen Stewart.
And unfortunately I don't have access to the full article because the website I wrote it for no longer exists
but I do have a little excerpt of it.
"In Defense of Kristen Stewart"
“I might be slightly biased on the topic of Kristen Stewart, AKA my ultimate girl crush
(and probably just regular crush if we’re honest.)
She takes not caring about Hollywood to a level of high art, and most of the time
she looks like she’d rather watch a movie in a rundown theater than go to the premiere party for one.
While I understand this is the precise reason the media has taken to giving her so much flack,
I want to take a second to discuss why this is misguided.”
So like I was feminist about it, but also very queer as well.
I'm assuming this was after an awards show acceptance speech because there's no context but I just wrote
"I love you kristen stewart but why do you always drag out speeches just rip the bandaid off"
So it's like the pain of loving someone but also watching them being really cringey
and not being able to do anything about it.
“Quit slut shaming Kristen Stewart, MOM!”
"an actual thing that just came out of my mouth"
Here's like an interview from Kristen Stewart where she's talking to a reporter
and she is very angry and worked up about this and she said
"If you looked at a girl wrong now, I would fly across the room and kill you.
I feel so, so, so protective of a certain thing that women have."
And that really spoke to my heart because of, uh, gay.
Okay just a little context this was five years ago
And even though I wasn't out as bisexual I have basically been questioning my sexuality for like over ten years
and I'm assuming that I was talking about it because someone asked me what kind of girls I'm attracted to.
I said "There aren’t like a ton of girls that I find sexually attractive, but basically I like pale skin"
That's racist Marina.
Why are you like a fuckin Hitler Youth with this Ask from five years ago?
"and short dyed black/dark hair. Aka Kristen Stewart in The Runaways."
Here's like the most glaring indication that I was gay and didn't know it, is that I loved the movie The Runaways.
And The Runaways is an okay movie.
It's fine, but like you don't love The Runaways unless you're super gay
because there's just so much between Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning in that movie.
And it really spoke to my questioning, little, bisexual heart.
I was way too into Kristen Stewart and The Runaways to be straight, and that's just all you need to know.
Anyway, do you guys have a crush like this where you were super gay for them, and you didn't know it
but then you did and it all made sense?
Let me know.
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