are you living life for yourself or for other people keep watching this is live
mystery gem I'm Damon Cart and I teach people just like you cutting edge NLP
processes and techniques so you can master your life and take charge of your
destiny so if that sounds good make sure you click that subscribe button right
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many times when clients come to me and they feel a block or they feel a
limitation they feel like they can't do something sometimes it's because they
feel guilt and shame about doing something for themselves they feel that
need they feel that Drive they feel that pull to get out there and do something
that they've been wanting to do but every time they try to go and do it they
feel that shame or that guilt for doing it for thinking of themselves there have
been times when I took a trip and there was no reason why I shouldn't have taken
the trip I had the resources to do it I wasn't shrugging off any
responsibilities but for some reason when I got there I felt bad I felt bad
about doing something I wanted to do so by the end of this video you're going to
have a much better understanding of what's going what's going on when this
is happening when you're feeling these limitations and you'll know what to do
about it and before I get into this I want to
know a little bit more about you is this something that you're suffering from
that you fear disappointing people so much that you're afraid to go out and do
something on your own or you're afraid to do something purely for yourself let
me know in the comments below so there's a few reasons why this might be
happening for you and one is that you are living from another person's
perspective or you're living from what we call second position so there's an
NLP process called perceptual positions which I'm not going to get into here
because I've made multiple videos about it I will link those videos here so you
can check them out what it is basically it's what we do naturally anyway we
either living in a very present first-person position which is like me
coming from myself coming from look at seeing from my eyes hearing from my ears
very very present this is the way that we should live most
of the time because it we're more grounded this way and we get to enjoy
life as it's happening now there's a second position which is what cultivates
sympathy we're probably the only species of animal that can do this or at least
to this extent where we can sort of drop in to the other person and sympathize
with them feel their what they're feeling sort of experience life from
their world to a certain extent and this is where the whole mirror neurons come
in so because we can do that we can have sympathy and have empathy but we can
overdo this so when people are a codependent that's basically what this
is they're living for other people they're living in that second position
they're not just visiting that second position it's helpful and healthy to
visit that second position especially if you want to gain rapport with someone or
you want to sympathize with someone it's not a good place to live from when you
live from that second position it means you don't include yourself you're living
for someone else and that's just not healthy it's not healthy for
relationships it's not healthy for either person involved now you can do
this in a romantic relationship you can do this
with your relationship to your parents they're basically handing down to you
what your values are what you should do how you should live your life and you go
along with it because you don't want to disappoint them that rarely satisfies
them though does it it makes you just want to get away from that but you can't
and the more you try to please them the more they demand from you typically it's
the case because they're trying to fulfill something that they can't
they're not taking responsibility for their first position now this also
happens when the other way around where parents are trying to live through their
children and they're willing to make so many sacrifices for their children that
they never include themselves in the equation they're not fulfilling their
themselves they're not fulfilling their own values so they're never happy and
they think well I'm not happy because I'm not not doing this enough I have to
sacrifice more for my children I have to do better for my children now of course
a certain amount of the heddes it's good a certain amount of that is your parent
it's your responsibility but you have to draw that line somewhere you have to
live in first position live in the present
and visit second position understand your children and live for your children
to a certain extent but what happens for a lot of people they raise their kids
they're grown they move away and they don't even know who they are anymore
because they've been living for their children so much so it's really and it's
not good for the kids overall it's not it puts too much pressure on them it's a
burden that they have to carry so it's really healthy to know where that
boundary is and to have a healthy boundary between your first position and
your second position the other part to this is what I mentioned about values
when you are very very clear about what your values are as opposed to outside
values what a lot of people are doing is they're trying to get self-esteem
through pleasing others through the approval of others and this is where I
think a lot of people are coming from if you're watching this video and you're
because you're suffering from this afraid to disappoint people this is
usually where it really hits home because a person might project a value
on to you or to something you're doing and say well I loved it that you did
this I'm happy that you did this yeah this makes me happy that you do this
well they're projecting a value on to you or to some sort of activity that you
did and this can feel very good when someone approves of you this starts
early on when we're children so we tend to follow that we tend to
follow that value and we tend to seek out are the external values around us
the values of our culture the values of our society it could be the values of
the clique that your your you surround yourself with your friends you know you
can have those values just among your friends and so when you do something
that aligns with those values you get a pat on the back from your friends and
this feels very good but it's not going to ultimately fulfill you and in fact
this is going to make you feel insecure a lot of times because what you're
trying to do is gain validation through others approval which is something you
don't have control over you ultimately do not have control over we can
influence the way people think we can influence other people's behavior but we
don't control people's behavior and we don't control how people think so you
will always feel insecure if you're constantly trying to fulfill
other people's values outside values other than your own however if you know
what your values are and you're very clear about that and you're very clear
about the difference between your own values and the external values of your
culture society parents friends what-have-you then you know which ones
are going to fulfill you and which ones are not I am NOT saying that you
shouldn't attempt to fulfill the values that are external from your parents your
culture your friends those are important but they're never going to fully fulfill
you and they're never going to fully make you feel secure about yourself what
will make you feel secure about yourself is if you know what your values are and
then you fulfill them and ultimately this is what you have control over
that's why it feels more secure to do this to understand this to know this
about yourself so what I'm not saying is I'm not saying that those other values
are not important they are but it's really it's even more important that you
know the difference between your values and the outside values and knowing that
no matter how hard you try to try to gain ultimate fulfillment through
pleasing other people through fulfilling outside values it's just not going to
happen because again like I said you're always going to have to live with that
insecurity of what if they don't approve of you what if it doesn't work out this
also ultimately leads to the idea of deriving self-worth from the external
it's never going to happen because it's always insecure it's always shaky so
again you when you know what your values are and you know how to fulfill them the
behaviors and the actions that align with those values you're going to feel a
lot more certain a lot more secure and you don't worry about disappointing
people so much you don't worry about pleasing other people so much it's sort
of like okay I know that I need to fulfill my values and if that
disappoints other people it's really about them that's really their business
I can't do a whole lot about it I'll do my best to please other people I'll do
my best to make my parents happy but ultimately at the other day I got to
live with me I got a you know sleep at night knowing
that I've done everything that I can to make my life the best that it can be and
that's the best that you can do so learn your values make sure you're in first
position that you live your life from first position it's good to go to
second position it's good to go to third position it's good to know what other
people's values are and try to help you know try to fulfill them if you can try
to please other people nothing wrong with that but ultimately start with
yourself if you would like to learn more about working with me one on one or
working with me and a small group of people where I do group coaching or you
would like to learn more in a formal setting NLP and the models that I teach
if you look in the description below click that link it'll give you more
information about all of those things if you like this video make sure you give
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when I put new videos out last but not least if you can think of a friend or a
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them take care