I always have a pain in my heart that I carry with me
and a confusion, and a feeling that I don't fit in
that I carry with me forever.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sam Smith
Sam thank you so much for the show last night.
You were beautiful up on stage.
Thank you.
I'm going to rewind right back to when you were a kid.
You went to a catholic school, grew up in a little village outside of London.
And you went to school everyday with a full face of makeup.
Yes.
That's pretty brave.
One day I'm going to get all the pictures out
because I think people will really understand who I am more.
We had to wear suits to school, but I would wear full makeup
I'd wear flowers coming off of my suits.
You must've really copped it at school.
Did you get bullied and teased?
My issues at school were my weight.
I was very insecure about my weight.
I didn't like myself that much
and I'd get sick of people just asking me if I was gay and I'd say no.
Cause I wasn't ready to say it.
And I was so obviously gay.
I feel always and forever, this intense feeling of loneliness.
And...
when will it stop?
That's what I always think.
So how do you cope with the loneliness?
When I'm in a bad place I drink too much
and I eat too much.
I started smoking last year, which was awful.
Bad idea.
Really bad idea.
I have stopped now, but it's more like physically.
You know, abusing yourself I guess.
Body image is something that you've continued to struggle with for quite some time.
Can you take me inside your head and explain what's happening when you have that kind of self doubt
or when you look in the mirror and you hate the man you see.
Oh my god, I have it all the time.
Two weeks ago I was here in Australia on holiday
and I turned into my 14-year-old self
I'd been eating a lot, I'd been drinking a lot of wine.
And I was the only one by the beach with his T-shirt on.
Couldn't take my T-shirt off.
I always cover my chest sometimes, when I'm going into the water, when I feel insecure.
I have a really bad relationship with food.
I'll go six and seven months of eating really well.
And then it just takes one meal to then spiral into this whole thing
of me eating bad food, and then I put on weight and then I hate myself.
Is it still painful for you to talk about?
Yeah, sometimes yeah.
It's tough.
For me, it all stems from the loss of myself.
You said that 2017 last year was probably the hardest year of your life.
Why?
I hit a wall basically last year.
After a relationship...
where I got really, really depressed.
The relationship ended because of my job.
It felt like someone couldn't take everything that comes with me.
It was the only moment last year where I thought
'Should I stop?'
I feel like I'm brainwashed. I really do.
I feel like I've been brainwashed as a child, from all the perfume ads I see,
all the magazines I look at.
Every male, especially gay male star is just so toned and ripped.
It's like perfection on crack.
Even, you look at porn, it's the same.
There's this thing of what I feel like I should look like.
And I now know that, that's not what I should look like.
But I still have to fight it every single day.
This is where Sam segues into telling us about all the kinds of porn that he's into.
Oh, the best porn.
I read recently that you got a tattoo in Arabic. Is that right?
Yes
So I'm Palestinian and Lebanese and I speak Arabic. I'd love to see it.
Can I read it?
Oh god.. This is where you tell me that it's...
That it's actually not what you think it is?
Yeah.
Which means: Be good, be kind.
Yeah
Yes!
So, you seem like the sweetest man.
Why do you need a tattoo to remind yourself to be good and kind?
I can be horrible sometimes
I really can.
Behind closed doors I can be awful.
I think everyone can.
For me I got that tattoo after a trip to Iraq.
I was just so shocked at how kind and how lovely these people were in these refugee camps.
And they had nothing.
And how...
Sometimes I can be so moany and negative
when my life's, when I'm so lucky.
I felt so safe and warm there.
Which is mad to say
when we were an hour away from Mosul at the time.
How do you feel in your skin now?
If I completely honest...
the last five days I've decided, I'm really going to try and stop drinking now.
I feel like drinking is...
I don't have a problem but...
Drinking is this gateway to overthinking
and just getting in this negative headspace.
So I'm feeling good. Really, really good. I really do.
Sam Smith thank you so much it's been a pleasure chatting to you.
Thank you that was beautiful.
Can I give you a hug?
Yeah you're amazing.
That was like a therapy session.