-The verdict is in.
You've been Gins-burned!
-[ Laughs ]
-Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
In a recent interview,
81-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg
stated she has no intentions of retiring,
even though she's the oldest judge on the bench.
Here, now, to comment is Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Whoo!
RBG in the house!
"Weekend Update," 2015.
Oh, yeah.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
-Wow. Welcome. You know,
you seem very spry for 81.
-Yeah, you'd be spry, too, if you had my morning routine.
100 pushups,
100 laps in the bath tub,
and then I do my P90X,
where I pee 90 times.
You know, I might be the oldest judge on the bench,
but that doesn't mean I'm the closest to death.
Have you seen Justice Scalia?
It looks like he's permanently hooked up
to an I.V. bag of Bolognese.
[ Gasps ]
Hey, Scalia.
You just got Gins-burned!
-[ Laughs ]
Oh.
-Justice -- [ Laughs ]
Justice Ginsburg, I gotta say,
that's pretty harsh, coming from you.
-Yeah, I'm like a horse fly, you know.
I bite hard and I look like a horse fly.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, what about the State of the Union,
where you were caught sleeping?
-No, I wasn't sleeping.
I was giving in to the weight of my glasses.
[ Laughter ]
[ Snoring ]
-Uh, I'm sorry.
Justice Ginsburg?
-What? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I was having a disgusting dream
about Bruno Mars.
He was uptown funking me. -Okay.
Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, Justice Ginsburg, no.
-I know he's short, but, you know,
I like my men like I like my decisions --
5-4. [ Gasps ]
That's a third-degree Gins-burn!
-[ Laughs ] Okay.
-Justice Ginsburg, come on, you know?
-No. Colin, you know what?
I'm living every 81-year-old's dream.
I get paid to sit on a bench all day
and judge people.
[ Laughter ]
But you know how rare it is to be 81 years old
and actually have people listen to what you say?
-Okay. Well, the chief justice of Alabama
actually said he won't listen to your ruling
on marriage equality. -Eh.
I expect that from Alabama, you know.
They never recognized the ruling
on incest, either.
[ Gasps ]
The verdict is in.
You've been Gins-burned!
-Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No. RBG! RBG!
-What? Look, no.
It doesn't matter what Alabama does, okay?
'Cause when I get ahold of that gay marriage ban, oof!
It's gonna fall faster than Madonna at the Brit Awards.
[ Gasps ]
They say justice is blind, but anybody can see,
you're burned!
-Oh, my God.
Don't.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
During the Supreme Court hearing on marriage equality,
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg received
a lot of media attention for her pointed comments.
Here to explain
is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
[ Cheers and applause ] -[ Hooting ]
-♪ The Ruth ♪
♪ The Ruth ♪
♪ The Ruth is on fire ♪
[ Mumbling ] -Alright!
Justice coming in hot. -Whoo!
-Yeah, you better believe it, Colin.
Yeah! I'm ready to rumble,
Mayweather-Pacquiao-style.
I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
I clean myself like a fly.
[ Laughter ]
-Justice Ginsburg, let's focus.
Now, were you swayed
by any of the arguments you heard on Tuesday?
-Oh, man.
They were useless! Useless!
Next time, I'm just gonna put
a crumpled-up black cocktail napkin in my place.
No one will know I'm gone.
[ Laughter ]
The arguments I heard, they were so weak.
I just hope they're not holding up Justice Scalia's chair.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, that's a Gins-burn.
-Justice Ginsburg.
-What?! What?! Come on.
I'm like a weird mole.
I'm tiny, but I could be dangerous.
[ Laughter ]
-That's a great --
That's a great point.
Now, getting back on track,
the issue is really whether marriage equality
should be up to state or federal governments.
You know, you have states, like Kentucky,
that want to keep their marriage bans.
-Ay, ay, ay. Kentucky, yeah.
Real 21st-century state.
I could call out that their most famous citizen
is a fried chicken salesman
who looks like he should be sippin' iced tea
at a slave auction, but I'm not gonna go there.
And by there, I mean
Kentucky!
[ Gasps ]
That's a Gins-burn!
-[ Laughing ] Justice Gins-burg.
Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg. -What?
-You know, I have to say, you sound pretty confident
you're gonna win this case.
-Oh, hell, yeah, I'm gonna win.
I already won today.
I was the jockey riding American Pharoah.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. So, you're a jockey, too?
-Yeah, yeah.
Down at the Derby, they call me Seabiscuit,
'cause all the fellas wanna
see my biscuit.
[ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter ]
-You're not gonna dance?
-I only dance when I'm joking, Colin.
[ Laughter ]
But alright. If you really want it, I'll dance.
-Oh, there she goes. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
That's a 9-0 decision.
So, Justice, should we be expecting a final decision --
[ laughs ] a final decision from you guys
in June? -Oh, yeah, yeah.
It couldn't happen soon enough.
I gotta push same-sex marriage through
before God remembers I'm still alive.
[ Laughter ]
The Grim Reaper, he came for me once,
but I punched his lights out.
I stole his robe. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-And what's next in this case?
Is it the written briefs?
-Ugh, written briefs.
You know what's written on my briefs?
Baby Gap!
[ Gasps ]
Nobody's safe from the fire, not even me!
I just got Gins-burned!
-Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Last week, in a break with traditional legal decorum,
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg harshly criticized Donald Trump,
calling him a faker and saying that she couldn't imagine
what it would be like if he became president.
Here, now, to comment, we have a very special guest,
Ruth Bader Ginsburg!
-Whoo-oo-oo!
-[ Laughs ] -RBG!
Live in the Q! RNC represent.
Y'all on notice!
Let me at ;em, Colin. Let me at 'em.
-Wow! -Let me at 'em.
You are coming out strong, Justice.
-Yeah. Well, I don't know any other way, Colin.
Trump picked a fight with the wrong
15-pound, 200-year-old marionette, baby!
[ Laughter ]
You know, I've been doing CrossFit.
-You've been doing CrossFit?
-Oh, yeah.
That's when I cross my arms and legs
and try to fit inside a soup can.
[ Laughter ]
Happens every time. -Yeah.
Now, in response to your comments,
Trump tweeted out that, your "mind is shot."
-Oh, please.
That's like the pot callin' the kettle black.
And I should know. I live inside a kettle.
-You mean like Tinkerbell?
-Yeah, yeah. It's actually her place.
She's Airbnb-ing it while she looks
for a Planned Parenthood in Indiana.
It's gonna be a while.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God.
You got like Ant Man strength.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
That Paul Rudd is...
I mean, look, look, if my mind is shot,
then Donald Trump's mind is shot,
stabbed, strangled,
put in a vat of wet cement,
and dumped in the Gowanus Canal.
His mind is sleepin' with the fishes,
but it's wakin' up
to a Gins-burn!
-[ Laughs ]
Yeah.
Yeah, get it.
[ Laughs ] -I did.
-But Justice Gins-- [ Laughter ]
Justice Ginsburg. -Yeah.
-You did come forward after that
and you admitted that maybe you had gone too far.
-Yeah, of course I went too far.
I have no sense of perspective.
-Yeah. -I'm like a flea.
I can jump 40 times my own height.
Also, you're never gonna get rid of me.
I rode here on a dog, Colin.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
You rode here on a dog?
-Yeah. His name's Mike Pence.
[ Laughter ] And he just got Gins-burned!
-Wow.
[ Spectator laughs ]
That was a nice sneak attack.
You're really hittin' everyone.
-Yeah. No one escapes. I have to.
I don't know how much time I got left, Colin.
I gotta get my pokes in while I got a chance.
-Now, you guys are still --
[ Laughter ] You guys are still --
Hey, above the desk, Justice.
-Alright, alright. -Look, I don't know if you saw.
I know you guys are still one justice down,
but there's been some speculation that,
after Chris Christie's speech, that some people are saying
Trump might appoint him to the Supreme Court.
-Kwis Kwistie on the Supreme Court?
Please. I'd rather have an empty chair
than a broken chair.
[ Gasps ] And that's a Gins-burn!
[ Laughter ] No dance. I'm tired.
-Oh, you're tired. Okay.
You know --
[ Laughter ]
I get it. Conserve energy.
-Mm-hmm. -Now, what about Merrick Garland?
-Mmm! Merrick Garland.
-Yeah. -Yum, yum, yum!
[ Laughter ] Merrick Garland's like
a Supreme Court with only eight judges.
Hung!
[ Laughter ] And that's a sexy slow burn.
[ Laughter ]
-Justice. -What?
-Hey, hey, Justice. -Justice.
-Justice Ginsburg. Hey, burn me! Burn me!
-I don't got time for you, Don Lemon.
I gotta catch a dog to Philly.
[ Laughter ] It's a literal greyhound!
-You're taking a dog to Philly?
-Yeah! That's how I go!