Foreign hackers have become one of the most significant threats
to national security.
And a couple of big stories from this weekend made clear
just how vulnerable everybody is.
The U.S. government has been hit
with a significant cyberattack,
which looks like the latest in Russia's ongoing
hacking campaign against the United States.
The Commerce Department has confirmed to CNN
that one of its bureaus saw a data breach.
Now the Washington Post reported
that the Russian hacking group APT29,
which is also known as "Cozy Bear,"
is behind the reported attacks,
as well as a recent stunning attack
on the cyber security firm FireEye,
in which the attackers stole hacking tools.
Okay. Hold up.
So not only did hackers hack the U.S. government,
but they also hacked a cyber security firm
and stole a tool that prevents hacking,
which they're now gonna use to hack?
That is humiliating.
Imagine being that company.
Rest assured, ladies and gentlemen,
your data is safe with this company,
thanks to our elite anti-hack... hacking...
It was suppose... It was here and, uh... (laughs)
Now, it's still not 100% clear who stole what,
but the thing we all need to accept is that,
at some point, we're all gonna get hacked people.
You just got to accept it now.
Because if a company
that develops anti-hacking technology can get hacked,
then your 2015 Dell laptop doesn't stand a chance.
You might as well just prepare for it now.
Like, from now on, when you take nudes,
put the doggy filter on, all right?
Then no one can be totally sure if it's you
or just a dog with a human penis. You know what I'm saying?
Also, give all your contacts celebrity names
in your phone, so that way, people will think
that you are getting booty texts from, like, Oprah
or Chris Pine, instead of Sweaty Dave from your baseball team.
And don't forget, the upside of any major hacking
is that you can use it as an excuse to be irresponsible.
Yeah. Just make a big purchase right away.
Right after you get hacked, make a big purchase
so then, when it comes, you can be, like,
"What the hell?!
"These hackers must have charged a Jet Ski to my credit card.
"We'll have to return this,
"unless I'm pretty good on a Jet Ski.
"Might as well see it underwater
and test it out before we make that decision."
(imitates engine revving)
"I can't believe I was hacked." (imitates engine revving)
But let's move on to the big story of the day--
the one thing we've been waiting for since March.
No, not Rihanna's album. The vaccine.
We have breaking news-- an historic moment for the nation.
It happened right here in our area.
A Queens nurse became the first person in the country
to receive Pfizer's COVID vaccine.
NEWSMAN 2: This is a massive undertaking.
Every step of the distribution process crucial.
NEWSMAN 3: In the past 24 hours, the vaccine doses, which need
to be kept at Arctic temperatures,
moved from Pfizer's manufacturing facility
to UPS and FedEx hubs
where they were loaded into planes and guarded trucks
to be delivered to 636
predetermined locations nationwide.
NEWSWOMAN: FedEx says that it receives a transmission
every two seconds on the location
of these vaccine packages.
UPS says it's using Bluetooth technology, as well,
to make sure that it has precise eyes in real time
on where these packages are located.
This is amazing news, people!
America approved the vaccine on Friday night,
and people started getting it this morning?!
You hear that, COVID?
Your days are numbered, bitch!
You realize that this time next week,
we're all gonna be back in the club,
like, "Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.
In my arm, please!"
But remember, as exciting as this is,
developing the vaccine was only the first part.
It is still gonna be a huge lift to get it out of the lab
and into the hospitals because this vaccine needs to be stored
at temperatures that are below negative 100 degrees Fahrenheit,
which is freezing.
At that temperature, the only people who who can handle it
are trained specialists with protective gear,
and that one white dude
who always wears shorts in the winter.
Also, did you hear what they said?
UPS and FedEx are tracking the location
of these packages every two seconds.
I'm not gonna lie.
When I first heard that, my reaction was like,
"Oh, now you mother(bleep) can track packages like that?
"But when the fudge I ordered gets lost in transit, it's all,
"'Oh, sorry. Nothing we can do about it.'
I see how it is!"
Although, you know who I really feel shitty for
in this situation, is the FedEx and UPS drivers.
They're hauling this vaccine all over the country,
but they don't get one for themselves?
Like, if I was one of those drivers,
I'd be rolling up with a Band-Aid on my arm like,
"Uh, here's your delivery of 999 vaccine doses.
Happy inoculating, y'all."