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- [Voiceover] The Parenting Junkie.
- Hey guys, welcome back to The Parenting Junkie
the place to go where you love parenting,
and for parenting from love.
Today I wanted to talk to you guys about
the concept of attachment parenting.
Now, I imagine that most of you have
heard of attachment parenting.
And this is not to be confused with attachment theory.
Attachment parenting is a style of parenting that is
said to promote attachment between a child
and their parent, and their caregiver.
And it was kind of pioneered by Dr. Sears.
And Dr. Sears gives us seven Bs
of attachment parenting to follow,
if we want to be part of this parenting style.
So let's take a quick look at those seven Bs.
So, the first B is birth bonding.
And this is about allowing and facilitating
and supporting ultimate bonding
between the parent, the mother,
and the baby, at birth.
And there are lots of different kind of techniques
you might call it, to support this early attachment.
And that are supported by attachment parents.
So for example, natural birth is considered
something that will support that attachment.
Some people delay the cord clamping.
Certainly pulling the baby directly on
skin-to-skin contact as quickly as possible
is considered to promote attachment.
Having a baby breastfeed
as straight away.
So there are various kind of techniques
or approaches to birth, if you like,
that are said to promote immediate birth bonding.
Basically the idea is to always to just have the mother
and baby be as close as possible to each other.
At that kind of special unique time
and beginning of life.
For bonding purposes.
The idea is that a closed attachment after birth
allows the mothers biological natural intuitive
systems to run, and to create that attachment
and that close bonding with their baby,
immediately after birth, and beyond.
The second B is breastfeeding.
And the idea here is that breastfeeding
is really obviously a way to create
intimacy and physical closeness between mother
and baby, but also an attachment because
you are constantly reading your baby's cues
and responding to them.
And that kind of responsiveness
promotes attachment.
Further, breastfeeding actually promotes
direct chemistry for attachment because
oxytocin is released when you breastfeed your baby.
And there are biological systems that create
kind of a conversation between your body
and your baby's body, so that you're in sync
and that you're close
and therefore, attached.
The third B of the attachment parenting approach
is babywearing.
The idea that you carry your baby in a carrier
in arms, most of the time.
And the idea here is that babies learn a lot
from the safety of your arms.
That your body is kind of their natural habitat.
And when they're there, they can be in the state
of quiet alertness, rather than fussiness and unrest.
Because they feel safe and secure kind of
where they're supposed to be.
The fourth B is bedding close to the baby.
So whether you're close sleeping, or bed sharing.
The idea is that a baby should be
close to their attachment parents
so that they feel safe and that they learn
that sleep is a pleasant state to be in.
Not rigged with anxiety and fears about
abandonment, or being alone.
Although the attachment parenting approach
always says that whatever arrangement gets
everyone in the family the most peaceful sleep
is the best arrangement.
The fifth B is belief in your baby's cry.
So this is about understanding that babies cry
because they are expressing something.
Generally a need.
And that we will listen, and try and decipher
and understand the cry, as that communication
and be responsive to it.
So this is not just saying,
"Well, he can just cry it out."
That is something you'll never hear
from an attachment parent.
Rather, understanding that a cry, evolutionarily,
is always a communication and it needs
to be answered and responded to.
And this kind of takes, raises the parents
communication with the child
and it takes it up a notch
because they're really listening to,
especially tiny babies cries, as a communication
and therefore, as a manipulation.
Number six is to beware of baby trainers.
Now I personally have seeked advice of baby trainers
in various areas in the past, primarily sleep,
and I think that there are plenty of baby trainers
who work with attachment parenting styles.
But just the idea is to be
discerning when it comes to advice,
when it comes to all parenting advice.
Anyone who tells you to watch the clock,
or watch a schedule,
or that you're child's trying to manipulate you,
or that you need to outmaneuver them,
or overpower them,
is not gonna be in sync with your intuition
and it might be coming between you and your baby
and interfering with your attachment.
So, that's why attachment parenting kind of cautions
against a lot of the expert advice out there.
And number seven is balance.
And this kind of is there to counteract any
extremism when it comes to attachment parenting.
So it's there to say, you need balance in your life.
You need balance in your marriage.
In your own self-care.
So if you're taking any of these things to an extreme
way you're losing balance, right?
If you're bed sharing and it doesn't work for you,
and it's disruptive for you.
If breastfeeding is painful
and is not working well.
Or if baby wearing isn't the right thing for you
and your lifestyle, etcetera,
then come back to number seven and seek balance.
Because these are all supposed to be tools to promote
to healthy attachment, and responsiveness
but they are not supposed to exhaust you,
or deplete you, or upset you in any way.
So if any of this is becoming unpleasant,
or just not the right thing for you and your baby
and your temperament and lifestyle,
then seek balance.
So those are the seven Bs of attachment parenting.
I have to say that I don't love labels
and I certainly don't conform to any specific
parenting style, but I do pretty much follow
all of these seven Bs
when it comes to my parenting
because it just makes sense to me.
Intuitively it works for me.
It feels natural in the best possible way.
So I was really grateful
to have discovered Dr. Sears and his work
and the attachment parenting approach
early in my firstborn's life,
so that I could implement it
and it's worked really well, for me
in creating that kind of feeling of secure attachment.
Things to watch out for really, that number seven,
that balance.
If your back is hurting from your carrier,
or if your breastfeeding is stressing you out,
or it doesn't make sense for your work,
then I think that sometimes becomes
a danger of attachment parenting
that people kind of fall into extremes
or one upmanship.
Or feeling judgmental of other parents,
and that's something that you need to be
very aware of, when it comes to attachment parenting.
Also, being in attachment parenting
can be somewhat isolated, because it's still not the
mainstream at all, especially in industrialized countries.
Probably the rest of the world it is.
Because we're kind of out of touch with our intuition.
We get a lot of messages in the western world
about babies being spoiled.
Or babies taking over your life.
Or setting strong limits.
Or making sure that you have control.
Or training a child.
These are all concepts that are about power.
They are about power, and they are about making sure
that you have the upper hand over your child.
Whereas attachment parenting takes a very
different route, and a very different approach to children
and definitely sees that you cannot spoil a baby
with too much love or connection
or with too much touch.
But that doesn't mean that you can't get
into unhealthy loops, where a baby is so dependent
on you for sleep, that you're not getting enough sleep
or that it's becoming debilitating.
So, again, I think that it can be a little bit challenging
in our society, but when you come back to
the idea of balance,
and when you zone out.
When you kind of quieten those voices that say that
babies can be spoiled, or you need to take control,
then it makes a lot of sense
and it feels really good.
So, I want to hear from you
if you've taken the attachment parenting approach
how it works for you, and how it doesn't.
And what your advice is for a new parent
just starting along that path
and discovering attachment parenting.
The best place to have this conversation is over
at TheParentingJunkie.com, so please
head on over there now and leave a comment.
I'd love to hear from you.
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Keep on loving parenting and parenting from love
because your kids need you
almost as much as you need them.
Goodbye.