- Let's start in the NFL.
Cam Newton, making the rounds, doing some media,
not playing football these days.
He was on the Late Late Show with James corden this week.
- Never seen an episode.
(laughs)
- Was that necessary?
I mean, you're not a fan, or...
- I'm not not a fan.
Listen, Carpool Karaoke's not gonna pull me in.
And, is the accent funny?
I don't think so.
Clearly faking it.
I don't know much about him, to be honest.
I don't watch it, I don't follow it.
I wouldn't say I'm against him, but would I ever go on
that show?
Wouldn't waste my time.
- Wow.
Well Cam Newton disagrees, and he surprised the audience
by telling them that he's given up sex for March.
- Not just sex.
And this is the way he said it, too, which was very strange.
He said, "I hope this is an adult crowd.
"Looks like it is.
"No climax."
So there's no climax.
That's the thing, that was the way he said it.
So then I interpreted that, it's not just sex,
but, you know, no gratifying yourself.
- Listen, I don't often talk about my religious beliefs
on the air, but sex makes you weak,
alright? (laughs)
If you touch yourself below the waste, weakness, okay?
I don't have a name for my religion, but I know that if I go
a week or two, I can lift up a car.
(laughs)
I don't often do it, you know what I mean?
I don't feel the need.
But, I think not having sex or not releasing your demons,
as my mom would call them, if you don't release your demons,
then you get more focused.
You know what I mean?
You got more energy, you can do more.
In prison, the guys who get like, super jacked and all
about weights, they don't touch themselves.
Because they want to lift more weight.
- I'm suddenly having like, an image of her yelling at like,
"Anthony, you're not releasing your demons up there,
"are you?"
- Is that an impression of my mother?
Because, I mean, I don't know what voice you think that is,
but it's not a woman's voice.
It's certainly not my mom's, and you've met her,
and you know she listens.
Yeah, she would yell that all the time.
I couldn't take a shower without her just banging
on the door, like there was a fire.
And I knew that something was up.
I knew that my body was not my body, that it belongs to God,
and I shall not desecrate him by letting my hands wander.
- You Catholics are weird.
- No, this has nothing to do with Catholicism, this is more
like a government thing.
I wanna be like Mike Pence.
- Cam Newton like, believes in this stuff though.
There's a lot of athletes, you were saying that in prison
that they believe they--
This is all weird, sort of not backed by science,
conspiracy nonsense. - It is backed by science,
I'll tell you this, I once read an article in a magazine
about how doctors in the ER who have to do like,
24-hour shifts, how they stay awake.
They'd have like, different little tips,
one of 'em was like, you pound a cup of coffee,
and then take a nap for like five minutes,
and when you wake up, the caffeine's kicked in,
and you're like, ready to go.
The last guy was like, "I don't know if this works
"for women, but it works for men."
He goes, "you touch yourself until you are just about
"to climax, and then you stop and that keeps you awake.
"That like, gives you like a burst of energy, and you can
"go about your day."
He goes, "but, if you go too far, if you don't have
"the expert touch that I have, and you go too far, then,"
he's like, "you're done."
He's like, "go home, because you are not going to save
"any lives that day."
So, I'd give it up to Cam Newton.
I would say this makes the Panthers the favorites
to win it all this year.
30 days without--
I know for Gregg that's like, pretty normal.
And I know
for a fact (imitates trombone descending)
that your wife has never once climaxed.
She is the strongest person, she's like an ant,
she can lift a hundred times her own weight.
And we have Gregg to thank for that.
- I found it very interesting that, it was like
a off-season challenge that he made for himself,
that each month, Cam Newton was gonna give up
different things.
So January, it was gambling, interesting, as an NFL player.
February was meat, and then March was not only sex,
but Wi-Fi.
I mean, I feel like giving up Wi-Fi for a month
is a lot tougher than
anything - If you're not
gonna masturbate, what do you need Wi-Fi for?
Know what I mean?
What, are you gonna check your email?
No, who cares?
See, this is why I think that the NFL's unfair,
in that it really is a player's league, you know,
people show up to watch the players.
But let's see Robert Kraft do this.
Let's see Robert Kraft go 30 days.
This guy can't even get to the airport without pulling over
and climaxing, demons everywhere, Robert Kraft.
That was a good one, that was more fun than I thought
we'd have on that.
- Papa John's is hoping that Shaquille O'Neal can help fix
the PR backlash that they've had ever since
the actual Papa John had to leave the company
because he said the N-word.
Shaq, among his many endorsements, has now decided to join
Papa John Board of Directors, and he's gonna own
nine Papa John's in Atlanta.
- It's the funniest thing that they would be like,
"okay, we got this scandal, where our owner used the N-word
"on a conference call.
"We had to let him go.
"How can we ensure this never happens again?
"Who's the biggest black guy we know?
"Let's get him in here, and ensure that everything
"is tip-top from here on out."
I don't know how bad Papa John's' business suffered
when Papa dropped an N-bomb on a conference call,
but I gotta think there's some people who'd like,
switched over.
I gotta think there's some people in this country
who've never eaten pizza in their lives who were like,
"we gotta support this guy."
And you know what?
I hope they're not listenin', 'cause I hate you.
But I do like Shaq.
Shaq is obviously, he endorses a lot of things,
but he's very particular.
You know what I mean, he's not gonna endorse
just any insurance company, it's gonna be The General.
- Right, but does this make you think that like,
what is The General hiding?
Like, what are these other companies that he endorse
hiding? - Oh, he's
a confederate general.
I mean, he's hiding quite a bit.
Gold Bond medicated powder, they had their run-ins
with slavery, Arm and Hammer was basically built,
Gold Bond, I'm sorry, was basically built on slavery.
That's what the "bond" in Gold Bond, comes from that.
- I see how, it was just like, used for torture back then.
- If you see Amistad you'll know what I'm talking about.
But getting Shaq in there, I think solves
all their problems.
And he's on the board, he's not just endorsing.
He's not an opponent of Peyton, he's not an opponent
of Peyton Manning, he is on the board making decisions
about Papa John's pizza.
And you can bet they're non-racist decisions.
Not like before.
Now the most racist pizza chain is Domino's,
and then Pizza Hut.
But I think that--
and Little Caesars, of course, is beyond the pale.
Little Caesars does not believe the Holocaust happened.
And that is-- - [Gregg] Pizza, pizza.
- Exactly, that's all he talks about.
If you look at their ovens, they're modeled after
much of the Holocaust.
But that is, that's how we're gonna keep you updated
on the world of pizza.
- Can you just imagine what those Board of Director meetings
would be like?
They're like, "oh, what do you think, Shaq?
"Is the expansion into the Southwest racist?"
Like, what's he doing at these meetings?
- Yes, that's very racist.
That's my impression of Shaqille O'Neal.
- That's pretty good.
- Yeah, that's very racist, Chuck.
(upbeat guitar music)