We are completely addicted.
Have you spelled recently?
Have you tried spelling without your phone?
Are the words harder?
I was on an airplane doing a crossword.
I had to spell "silhouette."
[blows raspberries]
I don't know, "S"? Is it "S"?
Is it? Is it "S"?
"Commitment"? Fourteen M's in a row.
I have--is it? Is it, is it not?
"Diarrhea"?
I'd rather have it.
We are addicted, it's making us dumb,
and it doesn't even work.
Does anything fucking work ever?
Every hotel I stay in, my magnetic key
loses power after three minutes.
And you gotta go down to the front desk,
and you gotta wait in line,
and when you finally get up there,
she treats you like a piece of shit, doesn't she?
"Well, did it touch something magnetic?"
"Huh? Huh?
Did you--did you have it touch something magnetic?"
"Yeah, Earth, bitch. It's all magnetic!"
Everything is magnetic.
Everything--that's magnetic, that's magnetic,
this is--everything's magnetic.
Why would you make a key that can't touch magnets?
You know what keys could touch magnets?
Old keys, the ones that went in the door
and turned the deadbolt.
"Uh, well, did it touch your cell phone?
"Huh? Huh?
Did you have it--did you have it touch your cell phone?"
Yes. Yes, I did, yes, yes, yes.
Everything touches my cell phone.
I drive with this thing lodged underneath my dick now, okay?
That's how much of an extension
the phone has become of our body.
Let me get this straight.
I have a functioning magnetic hotel key, okay,
but if it gets close to the phone,
that breaks the key?
But it's okay just to hold this up to our brain?
That's okay?
It's okay to push this into our brain!
We're going to die because of this.
You know that?
We're going to die because of this!
Tonight!
You laugh at these jokes, but nothing will change.
They say comedy's powerful,
but not powerful enough to get you off the cloud.
What are we doing on the cloud?
Everybody, it's a failure.
The cloud is a failure. Everybody's hacked.
"Hey, put all your pictures up there.
"What could go wrong?
"Hey, while we're up there,
"let's put all our financials up on the cloud
and all our passwords."
Everybody's hacked. Everybody.
Yahoo, hacked, 2 billion people.
Apple, hacked. Home Depot, hacked.
Hillary Clinton, hacked.
Ashley Madison. Ah! Hacked.
The fucking Pentagon's cloud got hacked.
You think your Flickr account's safe?
This is the cloud.
It's somewhere-- we don't know where it is--
that we store valuables that smarter people have access to.
Does that sound good? Do you guys like that?
You guys wanna use the cloud?
I would rather store things in a real cloud.
You know what's worked for centuries?
The ground.
Get a shovel, dig a hole,
put your dick pics in the hole.
Put dirt over your dick pics.
You would at least know
if somebody was hacking your ground, right?
"Honey, there's a man outside digging a hole in our lawn."
"Ah, fuck, we're being hacked again."