If you're watching this video, chances
are you have an overly talkative person in your group.
We're going to give you some tips for dealing with this.
I'm Alex Lyon and Communication Coach is here to help you
increase your skills to help you lead
your teams with more excellence. As I
mentioned, if you're tuning in you have a
overly talkative person in your group. So
let's unpack why this is in the first
place and look at some tips for dealing
with it. The first thing to realize is
that in most cases the overly talkative
people don't realize that they're
causing a little bit of a imbalance or a
problem. In fact, it probably started
early on in the group where you tried to
get a discussion going as the leader.
Nobody else talked and so they felt like
they wanted to jump in to break the ice,
kind of the way we want people to be the
first one at the buffet. Once someone
goes at the buffet, everybody can go to
the buffet. So they feel like by jumping
in, they're helping break the ice and warm
things up. Then it starts to sometimes
set into a pattern where nobody talks so
they always want to talk. Nobody talks so
they always want to talk. Cause they feel
obligated and responsible. Extroverted
people don't like a lot of silence. And
so if there's not other people talking
they're going to fill that silence and
they're gonna feel weird about even a
couple of seconds of silence. So a
lot of times it's not really because
they're trying to dominate, it's because
they're trying to help.
Now on the other side of the coin
sometimes people are a little
dysfunctional. They're talking too much
because they want attention, they want
the group to be all about them, they have
insecurities,
maybe they have control issues. So
sometimes it's not the case they're
trying to help. However, there are some
things to do that you can do in either
case to help move things in a positive
direction. So the first thing you can do
is at the beginning if you're
already into this, then we'll talk about
that in a moment, but at the beginning a
new group a new project you have to
frame and set the tone for the
expectations of that group. I have seen
great success with this in the groups
that I've run over the years. And it sounds
like this. In this group, we're going to
have a lot of opportunity for discussion.
I want to make sure that EVERYBODY gets
a chance to contribute. So, if you're
really talkative member,
once you've participated, keep quiet and
give the other people a chance to jump
in. They may be more time to think
then you. And it sounds really direct but
if you say this in the first night at
first meeting then no one feels targeted.
Because you're not embarrassing or
calling them out. You're talking about the
general tone that you want to set for
the group. And then once you lay it down
there the first night, you can always
refer back to it. Now let's say you're
going to first or second or third
meeting and there is an overly talkative
person,
here's a couple of verbal prompts that
would help you break this pattern.
Let's say John is talking a little bit
too much,
here's a little verbal prompt you can
use. Thank you, John. I appreciate your
contribution. Now,
I'd like to now hear from some of the
people we haven't heard from yet. And
that's a signal to both John and from
those other people that it's - we're
going to change the tone a little bit.
Other people are now going to get their chance to talk.
Here's another verbal prompt.
If you haven't talked in awhile, now is your
chance to jump in. Another, just a simple
way to signal once again it's their turn
not yours. And you can develop your own
verbal prompts in your own style,
whatever feels most comfortable. But it's
usually once you've set the tone in
the beginning of the group, that's a
totally normal way to have the
conversation. I've done this hundreds and
hundreds of times and no one has ever
even looked remotely offended. In fact,
often times that people who were the
most talkative don't feel embarrassed at
all. They want to again fill that gap
when those other people don't step up. So
you might need more advanced
strategies. So here's another strategy. Ask
people to write something down. So you
say let's take 30 seconds. I want to each
jot down a talking point and then
we'll discuss. And that way, even the
introverted people have something in
front of them and it signals, of course,
to overly talkative member that they're
going to have one turn like every body
else. You can also ask everybody if it's
a bigger group to pair up quickly and
discuss their own individual comments
with each other and then with the group.
And that will usually warm up the quieter
people so they'll feel like they have a
little bit more
momentum moving into the overall group
discussion. If it's a group of like 10 or
12 or more, then pairing up sometimes
will jump-start the discussion among
the quieter people. Now let's say none of
these things work. And you have a person
who is driven by some compulsion that
constantly talk. Maybe in the first week
you set the tone or you know it's just
not working.
You have to talk to them one-on-one. You
have to. They're not going to get the
hint. If they haven't gotten the
hint yet, they're not going to unless you
talk to them one-on-one. So you have to
step up say, Hey, before we begin tonight,
can I talk to you. And you have to have
what could be an uncomfortable situation.
Here's how to make it better, though. Talk
to them and enlist their help. So talk to
them in ways that holds them up as a
group leader, because they are really our
already acting as a group leader.
Say, Look you always bring a lot to the group--
and be truthful but--you always bring a
lot of the group. You always have a great
opinion.
Unfortunately, some of the other group
members are not talking enough yet and
to help them pull their weight a little more,
I'm gonna need you to dial up back, look
around, make direct eye contact with those
people and encourage them non-verbally
to participate. So you can start to begin
a polite face-attentive discussion with
them about managing their participation
In most cases, they will
get the hint and they will start doing that.
You may, if push comes to shove, have
to have this conversation a couple of
weeks in a row. I strongly recommend as a
last resort only to say something in
front of the group. If you say something
in front of the group,
it's going to embarrass them and there's
an old rule of thumb where you praise
publicly you criticize privately. And if
you tell them to be quiet more directly
in a group setting
they're going to feel criticized and
everybody else is going to feel that
that negative tone too. So try to not do
that. If you have to interrupt them, let's
say they're going on and on for a
10-minute talking turn, if you have to
interrupt them do so as politely as
possible. So, you know, I hate to interrupt.
We need to move on . . . And I hear
what you're saying . . .
But, if it's okay with you and what I
want to do is I want to move on. And, you
know, obviously doesn't have to be okay
with them but you want to be as polite as
you can to interrupt them. You know, hold
up your finger, I just want to interrupt.
Sorry to interrupt. I know your
point you're making is really good.
Whatever you can do to be face
attentive to do so and then transition.
And believe me, sometimes they're on such
a rant that they don't know how to stop
talking and they may need your help.
So you might be doing them a favor
without realizing. They don't know how to
bring your thoughts to a close. So some
of this is a little higher level but if
in the beginning you set a tone that you
expect about equal participation to make
a more dynamic discussion among
everybody you're going to get great
results. So question of the day for you:
How do you manage overly talkative
people? What are your best strategies? I would
love to hear your tips below in the
comments section and then we'll start a
little conversation. I'm pretty good at
responding to almost every single
comment. So test me on that and see if I
respond. So thanks. God bless. And I hope
you get to use the tips in this video
in your very next meeting.