WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO GOOD TO TO BE BACK.
I'VE MISSED THESE PEOPLE.
THIS WEEKEND, DEMOCRATS DID SOMETHING THAT ONCE SEEMED
UNIMAGINABLE: THEY COUNTED THE VOTES IN A CAUCUS.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S-- >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
DONALD TRUMP'S WORST NIGHTMARE.
>> WE'RE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.
>> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.
CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE.
YOU KNOW WHO NUMBER ONE IS?
TRUMP!
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE."
2020!
>> WITNESS ME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TONIGHT, BACK ON
THE FURY ROAD.
>> Jon: THAT HEAD BUTT.
>> Stephen: TONIGHT ON THE VROOM-VROOM SHOUT FACE, NEVADA
CAUCUS, AND IT'S RUNAWAY WINNER VERMONT SENATOR AND
ANCIENT JOHN MULANEY, BERNIE SANDERS.
SANDERS WAS COMING OFF SLIM POPULAR VOTE VICTORIES IN IOWA
AND NEW HAMPSHIRE, BUT BERNIE WON NEVADA WITH 46% OF THE VOTE,
INCLUDING A DIVERSE COALITION OF IMMIGRANTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS,
LATINA MOTHERS, YOUNGER BLACK VOTERS, WHITE LIBERALS AND EVEN
SOME MODERATES.
AND BECAUSE IT WAS NEVADA, HE ALSO PICKED UP VOTES FROM
BLACKJACK DEALERS, CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, AND THAT GUY SITTING
ALONE AT THE PRIME RIB BUFFET MUTTERING "HOW AM I GONNA
TELL MARJORIE?" ( LAUGHTER )
BERNIE CELEBRATED HIS NEVADA WIN BY CONTRASTING HIS MOVEMENT WITH
TRUMP'S.
>> THEY THINK THEY ARE GOING TO WIN THIS ELECTION BY DIVIDING
OUR PEOPLE UP BASED ON THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN OR WHERE
THEY WERE BORN OR THEIR RELIGION OR THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.
WE ARE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE WE ARE DOING EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BERNIE) "WHAT I'M SAYING IS:
MULTI-RACIAL, MULTIGENERATIONAL ORGY AT MY PLACE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I PROMISE, YOU WILL FEEL THE
BERN."
( CHEERING ) ( LAUGHTER )
"AND THE BERN WILL FEEL YOU!" ( LAUGHTER )
THE NEVADA RESULTS WERE ALSO A BOOST FOR THE FLAGGING CAMPAIGN
OF JOE BIDEN, WHO CAME IN SECOND WITH 20% OF THE VOTE, AND
TOLD SUPPORTERS THAT JOE-MENTUM IS BACK!
>> YOU PUT ME IN A POSITION-- YOU KNOW, THE PRESS IS READY TO
DECLARE PEOPLE DEAD QUICKLY, BUT WE'RE ALIVE AND WE'RE COMING
BACK AND WE'RE GOING TO WIN.
>> STEPHEN: BRAGGING THAT YOU'RE ALIVE MAY NOT BE THE MOST
STIRRING CAMPAIGN RALLYING CRY.
"FOLKS, WE'RE BREATHING ON OUR OWN.
THE TUBES ARE OUT, THE PANTS ARE ON, AND THIS MORNING, I ATE A
WHOLE THING OF APPLESAUCE!
NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME --
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME TOWARDS SOUTH CAROLINA!"
HERE WE GO!
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, WRONG WAY, LET'S GO,
GUYS.
COME ON!
THANK YOU.
A LOT OF MODERATE DEMOCRATS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING A
DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST AT THE TOP OF THE TICKET.
LAST NIGHT, "60 MINUTES" AIRED AN INTERVIEW WITH BERNIE AND HE
DIDN'T DO MUCH TO PUT HIS CRITICS AT EASE.
>> WE'RE VERY OPPOSED TO THE AUTHORITARIAN NATURE OF CUBA,
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S UNFAIR TO SIMPLY SAY EVERYTHING IS BAD.
YOU KNOW?
WHEN FIDEL CASTRO CAME INTO OFFICE, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?
HE HAD A MASSIVE LITERACY PROGRAM.
IS THAT A BAD THING?
EVEN THOUGH FIDEL CASTRO DID IT?
>> STEPHEN: WHAT, NO-- BERNIE ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL
EVERYONE AT MSNBC?
YOU SOUND LIKE FIDEL CASTRO'S MOM.
"NOW I KNOW FIDEL DID A LOT OF MURDER, BUT LOOK AT THIS
MACARONI PICTURE HE MADE IN THE THIRD GRADE.
THESE LITTLE ROTINI DOWN HERE ARE THE GRAVES OF HIS ENEMIES."
( LAUGHTER ) WRIF RIFF
BUT BERNIE DID TRY AN ODD PIVOT WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE CENTRAL
PLATFORM OF HIS CAMPAIGN.
>> A LOT OF VOTERS ARE VOTING FOR CANDIDATES WHO AREN'T
CALLING FOR MEDICARE FOR ALL, WHO AREN'T CALLING FOR A
REVOLUTION.
IS EVERYBODY REALLY WANTING A REVOLUTION LIKE THAT?
>> YEAH, LET'S GO EASY ON THE WORD REV-- POLITICAL
REVOLUTION, YOU KNOW?
WE'RE-- WE'RE TRYING TO FOLLOW-- >> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S USING
THE WORD.
>> WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW-- I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO OVERSTATE.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?!
RAFF LAUGH NOW YOU DON'T WANT US TO
OVERSTATE THE WORD REVOLUTION?
THAT'S YOUR WHOLE BRAND.
THIS IS LIKE NIKE SUDDENLY CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO "JUST
DON'T OVERDO IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
Y>> Jon: YEAH, JUST DO IT!
JUST SLIGHTLY.
JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪ ♪ OH, JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪
>> Stephen: AT ONE POINT BERNIE GOT A
LITTLE SASSY.
>> ONE OF THE CRITICS OF YOU IN THE SENATE, JOE BIDEN, HAS SAID
THAT YOU NEVER GOT ANYTHING DONE.
AMY KLOBUCHAR HAS BEEN-- ARE YOU GETTING MAD?
>> I'M NOT MAD.
JUST SILENTLY HISSING, THAT'S ALL.
(LAUGHTER) >> STEPHEN: I KNOW BERNIE HAD A
HEART ATTACK, BUT IS HE ALSO DEFLATING?
(AS BERNIE) "THE TOP 1% OF THE--
SSSSSSS-- SOMEBODY GET MY PUMP!" "PUMP ME UP!
SOMEBODY!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: PUMP IT UP!
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OH, YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.
>> Stephen: WHILE THE DEMOCRATS BATTLE IT
OUT BACK HOME, TRUMP IS ABROAD IN INDIA.
HERE HE IS GIVING PRIME MINISTER NARENDRA MODI THE TRADITIONAL
AMERICAN GREETING OF SLIDING YOUR HAND INSIDE SOMEONE'S
CLOTHES.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"WE'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER A SHORT WHILE, BUT I THINK WE'RE
READY FOR UNDER THE VEST STUFF."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S FIRST STOP WAS AT THE
HOME OF MAHATMA GANDHI, WHERE HE GOT THE CHANCE TO SPIN A REPLICA
OF THE WHEEL THAT GANDHI USED TO MAKE HIS OWN CLOTHES.
THAT'S LOVELY.
NOW HE KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WORK IN ONE OF IVANKA'S
FACTORIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Jon: PUTTING IT OUT THERE, HUH?
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THE DAY'S BIG EVENT WAS A GIANT
POLITICAL RALLY FOR THE PRESIDENT CALLED "NAMASTE
TRUMP."
WHICH I REALLY HOPE MEANS HE HAD TO PUBLICLY DO YOGA.
(AS TRUMP) "FIRST, I GO DOWNWARD, LIKE A
DOG!
NOW, A SUN SALUTATION: HI, ERIC!"
A ( LAUGHTER )
"NAMASTE TRUMP" WAS MODI'S WAY OF THANKING TRUMP FOR A RALLY IN
SEPTEMBER, WHEN TRUMP JOINED THE PRIME MINISTER IN TEXAS FOR AN
EVENT CALLED "HOWDY MODI!" ( LAUGHTER )
WHICH WENT A LOT BETTER THAN TRUMP'S EVENT WITH THE CHINESE
PRESIDENT, "THAT'S WHAT XI SAID."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP OPENED HIS SPEECH LIKE
THIS: >> TODAY INDIA WELCOMES US AT
THE WORLD'S LARGEST CRICKET STADIUM RIGHT HERE IN AHMEDABAD.
( CHEERING ) IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE THE
BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM.
>> STEPHEN: YES, HE JUST SAID, "IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE
THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM."
( LAUGHTER ) HE USED TO JUST PUT HIS NAME ON
BUILDINGS.
NOW HE WANTS TO BE THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A STROKER.
IT'S A CHIN STROKER.
OF COURSE, BECAUSE HE WAS IN INDIA, TRUMP HAD TO PROVE THAT
ENGLISH ISN'T THE ONLY LANGUAGE HE STRUGGLES WITH:
>> NAMASTE.
THE PRIDE OF GUJARAT.
SOME OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST CRICKET PLAYERS FROM SUE CHIN
TENDLEKUR.
AS THE GREAT RELIGIOUS TEACHER SWAMI VIVEKANANDA ONCE SAID--
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YES, SWAMI
VI-VAY-KUNUNDUNDE ONCE SAID, "THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW
YOU PRONOUNCE MY NAME."
LATER IN THE DAY, TRUMP VISITED THE TAJ MAHAL, WHICH WAS THE
MODEL FOR ONE OF TRUMP'S INFAMOUS FAILED ATLANTIC CITY
CASINOS.
(AS TRUMP) "IN HONOR OF THE TAJ MAHAL, I'D
LIKE TO OFFER THIS TRADITIONAL HINDU PRAYER."
♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪ ♪ LUCK IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN A
LADY TO BEGIN WITH ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IS ONE CHALLENGE FOR TRUMP IN INDIA BECAUSE MODI IS A
DEVOTED VEGETARIAN AND PLANS TO SERVE VEGETARIAN FOOD TO THE
PRESIDENT.
OH, MY GOD.
WE'RE GOING TO WAR WITH INDIA.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW I LOVE TALKING SPORTS,
IT'S KIND OF MY THING, -- I TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
WE EDIT IT OUT BUT MOSTLY I TALK ABOUT SPORTS --
AND TODAY WE'VE GOT AN INSPIRING STORY FROM THE WORLD OF HOCKEY.
IN SATURDAY NIGHT'S N.H.L. GAME BTWEEN THE CAROLINA HURRICANES
AND THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS, THE TWO HURRICANES GOALIES GOT
INJURED.
SO THEY CALLED ON THE ZAMBONI DRIVER TO BE THEIR EMERGENCY
GOALIE, AND HE WON HIS N.H.L.
DEBUT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WON!
UNBELIEVABLE!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!
( APPLAUSE ) HE WON
WITH HELP FROM HIS SIGNATURE MOVE: PARKING THE ZAMBONI IN
FRONT OF THE GOAL.
( LAUGHTER ) BIG D.
THE HOCKEY HERO IS NAMED DAVID AYRES, AND HE'S NOT JUST A
ZAMBONI DRIVER, HE'S ALSO AN ARENA MAINTENANCE WORKER.
HERE'S A VIDEO FROM THE LOCKER ROOM AFTER THE WIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
THAT'S SO LOVELY.
THAT'S SO NICE.
THEY DO KNOW HE HAS TO CLEAN ALL THAT UP, RIGHT?
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, AND-- OWW.
OW.
OH!
I PULLED MY HAMSTRING.
I DON'T THINK I CAN FINISH.
>> Jon: OH, NO.
>> DON'T WORRY, STEPHEN, I GOT YOU!
>> Stephen: IT'S DAVID AYRES!
ZAMBONI HOCKEY HERO DAVID AYRES, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
DAVID!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DAVID, I'VE PULLED MY HAMSTRING,
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
>> I'LL FINISH UP.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WARREN CHECKS BLOOMBERG INTO THE BOARDS!
STICK AROUND!
>> STEPHEN: WOOOOO!