My mom's so funny. She lives in the South, too.
She's still determined
to keep my up-to-date with everybody that I grew up with.
And she'll remind me about them to the point where I care again.
So, she'll call me up.
She's like, "Hey, what are you doing?"
I'm like, "Well, it's the 3:00 in the afternoon, cougar.
I'm working."
And she's like, "Well, do you remember Ashley Davidson?"
I'm like, "No, I don't know who that is."
"Oh, you know who that is!"
Like I was just lying the second before.
"Ashley Davidson!
"She had long, dark hair.
She was on the cheerleading squad."
I'm like, "No, Mom, it still does not ring a bell."
"Ashley Davidson!
Her mom Alice used to cut your hair."
And then I'm like, "Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think I know who that is."
"Well, she's dead."
I'm like, "Why would you call to tell me that?"
She's like, "'Cause I thought you'd want to know."
I'm like, "But I didn't even know who that is!"
"Oh, you know who that is!"
We go round and round in circles.
This is an actual text
that she sent to me if you want
any idea of how she can brighten your day.
Here... is an example.
Real text. (quiet laugh)
"Did you know Vanessa Tate? She lived on Poplar Street.
"I went to school with her mother Jan.
"We were in junior league together back in the day.
"Her father died a few months ago and her mother last week.
"They were 65 and 61-- I wonder what happened?
Very sad."
Oh, it gets better, it gets better.
"There's snow in the air and it's 23 degrees.
"I feel sorry for the tornado survivors
"who are picking through the rubble of their homes in this.
Have a great show. Love, Mom."
Now you know
why I am like I am.
No, my mom's great. She's 67 and she's single.
And she's been hanging out at the bars a lot
with her friends who are also single.
They like to think of themselves as cougars,
but they're more like panda bears.
I said that to one of my mom's friends
who did not know what a cougar was,
and she was like, "Well, a panda bear's
just as dangerous as a cougar!"
Touché, lady panda.
Touché.
My mom's a bit of a lightweight.
It takes her one whiskey sour
and then she's, like, completely toasted.
(laughs)
What? What? She's like, "Yeah!
"That's my style.
I want to hang out with your mom."
You can always tell when my mom's tipsy
'cause she'll stick one finger out just like this
and start dancing like this.
Just judging people while she's dancing.
Like she's some sassy black woman.
(laughs)
So... when I went home for Christmas,
I went out, uh, to a bar
with my mom 'cause that's what you do with your mom.
And the thing is when these songs come on, uh,
and she starts dancing, she has no idea what song
she is dancing to, so all of a sudden I hear
♪ To the window, to the wall ♪
♪ Till the sweat drop down my balls ♪
♪ All you bitches crawl. ♪
And I looked over and my mom's just dancing.
(singsongy): With her Christmas sweater on.
Or we heard that song
♪ Jump on it ♪
♪ Let's do it, ride it ♪
♪ My pony. ♪
"Oh, I love horses!"
I'm like, "I'm pretty sure that's
not what that song is about."
"I don't care. I love horses."
You guys like the restaurant Hooters?
(audience whoops)
Do you? The gay guys are like,
"Mm."
There was a Hooters in my hometown that closed.
You know every time a Hooters closes,
an angel loses its wings? (laughs)
Pretty sure that's the saying.
I learned Hooters waitresses,
they get really suspicious when somebody comes in there
to buy one of their outfits.
And they get especially suspicious
when that person is me.
So, I went into Hooters and I went up to the waitress.
I was like, "Hey, I'd like to buy one of your shirts."
And she's like, "Um...
what size?"
I was like, "Duh.
Small."
She's like, "Well, they run kind of small."
I'm like, "Psh, even better! Lets do this!"
It's my goal in life to buy the entire Hooters outfit,
and just go into Hooters and start waiting on tables.
(women whoop)
I squeeze into those shorts.
I'm like... (screaming)
I hurt!
My gut's hanging out.
I walk in there, there's, like, these four dudes
watching football and they see me, they're like,
"What the...?
"No!
I didn't order that!"
You know, just walk in there like this.
(huffs)
"I'm real tired.
"I had to walk all the way over here.
"Do you want some chicken wings?
"Hmm?
Do you?"
I would, of course, have a wedgie right there.
Boom!
Camel toe. (laughs)
Someone just went... (groans)
You're never gonna look at chicken wings the same.
That's all I'm saying.