A crazy story
out of Los Angeles, where a Delta Air Lines flight
had to make an emergency landing.
But it was the people on the ground
who were the most afraid.
We start with that breaking news from Los Angeles,
where dozens of children and adults
have received medical treatment
after the crew of a China-bound Delta Air Lines jet,
forced to return to LAX after losing an engine,
dumped fuel as it passed just a few thousand feet
above neighborhoods and schools.
NEWSMAN: The Boeing 777 with 164 people aboard
headed to Shanghai, China, was airborne only minutes
when it was forced to circle back.
Streams of fuel poured over three local schools,
where 44 children and adults
complained of skin irritation,
suffering from minor injuries.
Man, that must have been terrifying.
Los Angeles gets jet fuel
sprayed on them from above.
And worst of all, it's not even organic.
Yeah. This is also probably how God punishes you
for not nominating women directors, L.A.
That's what it is.
Now, fortunately,
no one in the schools was seriously hurt,
but I-I like to imagine that there was one rebel kid
sneaking out behind the school to smoke a cigarette. Yeah.
And his friend was like, "No, Mike, cigarettes are dangerous."
He's like, "Don't be such a bitch."
(imitates explosion)
(laughter)
Now, now, in case you're wondering why the schools,
in the pilot's defense, they had to dump the fuel
because the plane lost an engine
because it's a Boeing, so it makes sense.
But... But, like, did they have to dump it over the schools?
It almost feels personal, right? Like, three schools.
You know? It's almost like one of the pilots
went to those schools, and his copilot was like,
"Let's dump the fuel over this vacant lot."
He was like, "No, no, I got the perfect place.
Take that, Mr. Engelberg!"
All right, let's move on, though, to some legal news.
America has always had weird, old laws
that no one realizes are still in effect,
and one man who's getting divorced
is trying to take advantage of that.
A Kansas man has asked an Iowa court
to let him settle a dispute with his ex-wife
with a trial by combat.
The Des Moines Register reports
David Ostrom asked the Shelby County court
to give him 12 weeks lead time
in order to forge katana swords.
In those documents, Ostrom argues trial by combat
has not been explicitly banned
or restricted in the United States.
Trial by combat?
Wow. When this couple said, "Till death do us part,"
they meant it.
This would be like if Marriage Story
was directed by Quentin Tarantino.
And I honestly feel sorry for the wife,
because getting divorced is already hard enough.
You know, usually it's like, "Oh, my ex is so annoying.
He wants the kids this weekend, and we agreed..."
And now it's like, "Oh, my ex is so annoying.
"He won't stop texting me about how I only have
six more weeks to forge my own weapon."
And by the way, how crazy is it that people are like,
"Well, trial by combat was never explicitly banned,
so I guess it's still a thing?"
Like, how backlogged is America's legal system, right?
'Cause this... this doesn't bode well
for something like reparations, you know?
'Cause think about it. It's like, "Yeah, I'm sorry.
"Reparations are gonna take a while.
We're still trying to outlaw jousting."
I will say this, though. I will say this.
This is a great loophole if you just want to murder someone.
Yeah. Like, if someone at work
is stealing your lunch out of the fridge,
you can just run up to them like,
"Jerry, I challenge you to a duel."
"Huh?" (shouts)
And then everyone in the office has to be like,
"Goddamn, Jerry lost the shit out of that duel."
(laughter)
And finally, last night's Democratic debate
featured some fiery exchanges,
particularly between Bernie Sanders
and Elizabeth Warren.
But it turns out the real drama happened
after the main event was over.
Onetime allies Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren,
the two senators...
They're working through some issues.
They had this moment after the debate
where Senator Warren left Bernie Sanders hanging
as he tried to shake her hand.
That was followed by a brief but noticeably tense exchange.
(laughs): Tom Steyer there...
NEWSWOMAN: Caught in the middle.
NEWSMAN: Deciding, "I'm not gonna get in the middle
-of all this right now." -NEWSWOMAN: Well, too late.
Wow.
This beef between Bernie and Warren is really heating up.
And you know what that means.
Trial by combat!
That's how they do it in Iowa, baby!
And by the way,
how cute is Tom Steyer?
He's, like, oblivious to the whole tense situation.
He's just... He's so cheerful.
He's just like, "Wow, what a fun debate, guys.
"You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
"TGI Fridays?
"No, Bernie? Applebee's?
What do you want?"
Now, everyone has been trying to figure out
what Bernie and Elizabeth Warren were saying to each other.
And they don't want to tell anybody.
They haven't said anything to the press about this mini fight.
No one knows. Nobody knows what they said
except The Daily Show.
Because, you see, we have high-tech technology
that picked up their conversation.
Bernie, did you see the Oscar noms?
Little Women-- what a snub.
-What? -Greta Gerwig, best director.
Oh, if we're talking snubs, Adam Sandler
-in Uncut Gems was snubbed. -Uncut what?
They don't respect the Sandman.
-I saw Cats. -Scram, Moneybags.
Wow, that was intense.