Laura: I don't want to knock anyone's religion
Ryan: It's not a religion, it's a fucking cult
Well they went straight for fucking horror
Ashling: I can count the pixels
Sarina: What is this shit?
Dermot: That's the Earth
John: That's where I live
Dermot: Orientation
Sarina: What is yours?
Ryan: There's one in Ireland there though...
Laura: It's on fire - London is on fire
Ashling: I wish I could see this man's face
John: No, that's what he looks like all the time
He's perpetually blurry
Onscreen: The Church of Scientology is a religion...
...within the meaning of the First Amendment
Dermot: Yeah, but they said it right there at the beginning
It's for tax exemption purposes
That's the only reason
John: It's hard not to get attached with all the triumphant music and stuff
Onscreen: You can also get Ron's books through any major bookstore
Laura: It is like a telly shopping ad, isn't it?
If you buy this CD, you'll get a free fountain pen...
...a can of coke, and 12 other CDs!
Onscreen: Here you can often find new friends to share your interests in life
Laura: I like Scientology! Me too...friends!
Onscreen: I see you have a very nice office here for Ron
Sarina: He's dead
Ashling: Oh yes we do
Dermot: Oh my god this is like the worst acted porn!
Onscreen: All churches of Scientology have an office for Ron
Ryan: Aw that's weird, that's like when someone in your family dies...
...you know, like a baby or something, and they keep the cot
Sarina: She wants his dick so bad...
Ryan: It's incredibly boring
Like I think most people sign up just to make it stops
Onscreen: Oh of course...
Dermot: Oh, come on!
I've seen less creepy pedophiles
Onscreen: Now these graphs are done...
Ryan: Laura, they've got graphs...
John: Saying that this is um...Scientology this year
There'll be a bit of a dip...then there will be more Scientology
Onscreen:...personality improvement...
Sarina: How do you improve on your personality, like–
Dermot: I can't
That's right
John: You can't have problems when you're brainwashed
Ryan: They have a meeting about the graph, and he went "Very impressive"
But they kind of took it like - "We're just going to put it on the fridge"
Dermot: It's a hell of a 'stash, I'll give him that
Onscreen: Only a raving lunatic would try to harm Dianetics and Scientology
Ashling: If you stand against us you're a raving lunatic
Laura: I love it, yeah.
Ryan: Oh, it's so terrible.
Ashling: They're trying very hard to prove that
it's worth while.
Dermot: Would people be sucked in by this?
Of course they would, people are
stupid.
Sarina: Yeah
Dermot: And I include meself in that.
Onscreen: Who can enroll upon a professional courses?
Anyone who can read and write.
Ryan: That's ruled me out.
Ashling: Only the literate.
Ryan: They're all stuffed.
Dermot: They've got a cross.
What's the cross for?
Xenu wasn't crucified, was he?
John: Is that her profession or is she just an actress?
Dermot: Anne Archer doesn't even get a name.
She's just "Actress"
Ryan: Deep Sea Diver, stay down there.
Ashling: Scientology protects me from the creatures
of the deep.
Ryan: Be laughing if it just comes up
Facts. Contributor
Davey
Davey Reilly just...
Dermot: Oh it's Isaac Hayes
God rest his soul.
Sorry! Xenu rest his soul.
I don't know, what do ya do.
Ryan: But I'm waiting
for Tom Cruise.
He better come up.
Ashing: How long...They're just gonna interview
every profession.
Dermot and Sarina: Kirstie Alley
Dermot: Finally!
Onscreen: Without Scientology, I would be dead.
Ryan: I'd be dead.
Sarina: You'd be dead because you were heavy
you lost the weight and now you're great.
Onscreen: Scientology makes work fun.
Dermot: What?!
Ryan: It's gonna cut to one guy
just like ...help...help
John: It'd make a great drinking game would
be to drink every time they say Scientology
Onscreen: This is some very very powerful stuff!
Dermot: Baptist Minister could have been talking about Meth!
We don't know.
Laura: "Now what's the deal with Scientology huh?"
Ryan: I forgot about John Travolta
Onscreen: You are an immortal being
Sarina: No
Dermot: Shh-ut up, he's talking
Laura: This has taken on a very weird turn all of a sudden.
Onscreen: You are at the threshold of your next trillion years
Ryan: Ah, I don't wanna be alive for trillion years
I barely wanna be alive for the end of the day.
Dermot: He started this "closing bit" like 10
minutes ago.
Sarina: Yeah
Dermot: Get to the point.
Onscreen:...you don't have to believe us,
or even trust us.
Dermot: They don't have to believe us
or even, what?!
Ashling: How much more can it climax?
Dermot: This is like Lord of the Rings.
End the f***ing thing!
Ashling: Like when my lecturer won't shut up.
and its like two minutes past the hour.
Dermot: How are we not finished?
Is this part of it? Are they trying to drive us f***ing insane? Is that what this is?
Onscreen: You can also dive off a bridge or blow your brains out.
*laughter*
John: Shut up. God's sake.
Dermot: And Scene...
*man keeps talking*
Dermot: Oh My God!
Sarina: Alright.
Dermot: They actually had to cut it off.
Ryan Scientology...it's a cult.
John: Think it's all smoke and mirrors
and you're a fool if you buy into this...
But!
I can see the appeal.
Dermot: do you want to be a Scientologist now?
Sarina: I want to be a butterfly.
Dermot: Scientology can help you do that.
Irish people become Scientologists for
the first time. How 'bout that? Can we do that?
Is that what this video is, is-has this just been a
f***ing, this isn't even going up on the internet is it? You F***ers!
John: We are not a Cult.