-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, after more than half a century as Prince of Wales,
73-year-old Prince Charles has officially become
King Charles III.
Yeah, he's now the oldest person ever to assume
the British throne, but weirdly,
he's still too young to be a U.S. president.
[ Laughter ]
Interesting. Interesting fact. -A little bit.
-King Charles was previously known as the Prince of Wales,
and now his son, William, will take the title.
I don't want to be that guy, but I get the feeling
that there's a little nepotism involved.
[ Laughter ]
Some news from here in the United States.
A new poll found that in a potential 2024 matchup,
President Biden has a six-point lead on former president Trump.
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The poll says, 8% Biden, 2% Trump,
90% other. [ Laughter ]
-Wow. -Anyone.
That's right. Trump is six points behind Biden.
That's right. Trump was so upset,
he had to dry his eyes with Israel's nuclear secrets.
[ Laughter ]
People were talking about this last night.
It was the first NFL game of the season,
and the Buffalo Bills beat the L.A. Rams, 31-10.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-The big story was Bills star Von Miller's haircut.
Did you see this? Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ]
It's a bold statement.
And the statement is, "elevator up."
[ Laughter ]
I guess he went into the barber
and asked for the PlayStation button.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, the options on the barbershop wall must have been
the business card from "Squid Game."
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this? Before last night's game,
the new trailer for "Black Adam" starring Dwayne Johnson
debuted in the stadium. It was cool.
But I was a little surprised at
who they got to voice the trailer.
Did you see it? Check this out.
-Hi. I'm Vin Diesel, and this is Dwayne Johnson.
Maybe you remember he used to be part of our family,
but then he left that family, and you never leave family.
Now, he's hanging out with all these super people.
I get you could say they're like a different family.
This helmet guy is like the daddy.
Smoke lady is the mommy.
Wing guy, he's a friend, but he's such a close friend
that they call him Uncle, so he's family.
I guess he found a new family.
Go see it in theaters, where you'll also see a trailer
for "Fast X," another movie about family.
Trailers are like the babies of movies, which makes them family.
-Very interesting. Great trailer. It looks good.
-I'll go see it. -It looks good.
-Yeah.
-Hey, guys, I read that on the new hit show,
"House of the Dragon," a few of the main characters are being
recast as the series jumps forward about 10 years in time.
For instance, the actress who played the princess is changing
from Milly Alcock to Emma D'Arcy.
Yeah. This is true. And apparently that's not
the only place where people are recast to look older.
For instance, on "Stranger Things," Will is
being recast as Las Vegas Raiders owner Mark Davis.
[ Laughter ]
It's older Will. -Wow, it's older Will.
-Yeah. Next, in the Marvel movie, Thor
is being recast as Willie Nelson.
[ Laughter ] The new Thor.
Next, "Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power," Elrond, the half elf,
is being recast as Pete Buttigieg.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, on "She-Hulk: Attorney at Law," She-Hulk is being
recast as Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, going forward, Harry Styles is being recast
as Elton John.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You like that?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, we love Harry too.
Next up on CNN, Anderson Cooper is being recast as Wolf Blitzer.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, on "Euphoria," Fez is being recast
as Pope Francis. And it's just great.
You won't even know the difference.
It's going to be exciting to watch.
It'll be fun to see.
Get this, guys. I saw that DC Comics has
revealed that the Joker's real name is Jack Oswald White.
Yeah, pretty interesting.
So I thought it would be fun right now if some of us here,
me, Higgins, the Roots, reveal our real names
for the first time.
I'll go first.
My real name is...
Devin St. Monroe.
[ Laughter ]
Quest, how about you?
-My real name is...
Bart Tomato.
That's cool. Never knew that. Tariq, how about you?
-My real name is...
Spunk. Chuck Spunk.
-That's cool. Higgins, how about you?
-My real name is...
Thomas Scrotum Jr.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay.
James, how about you?
-My real name? [ Suspenseful music plays
You don't want to know my real name.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. How much time do you got?
[ Laughter ]
I wasn't like my other friends growing up.
While they were playing tag, I was in the woods looking at bugs
and trying to figure out how trees grow.
Sounds crazy?
[ Laughter ]
Well, welcome to my life.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow, that's his name?
-I -- That's -- That's pretty cool, James.
So, what is your real name?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cymbal crashes ]
-Thomas Scrotum Sr.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Unbelievable. This is unbelievable.
-Daddy! -Well, we got our real names.
Moving on, moving on, moving on, moving on.
[ Laughter ] Please.
-Too many balls in the air.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
I don't want to leave anyone hanging. Let's go with the rest.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- Uber Eats just announced that they're
going to start testing out driverless delivery.
Driverless delivery cars are incredible.
They're even programmed to say,
[Robotic voice] "Wow, two orders from Popeyes in one day."
[ Laughter ]
"What's going on, Carl?"
[ Normal voice ] And finally, passengers on a Carnival cruise
woke up to a rough scene after plumbing issues
caused some flooding. Look at this.
Wow. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not good when you have to use
the lifeboats inside the ship.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, the captain tried to spin it.
He was like, "Did we say six water slides?
We meant seven." Yeah.