THEME: "Days Into Night" by Sweet Mother Logic
KAT: So, it was mutual?
BRITTANY: No, I ended it.
KAT: Let him down gently?
BRITTANY: I kicked him out of my bed.
KAT: Oh!
BRITTANY: I know, I know!
Oh, god, and everything was going so great,
and then he just opened his mouth, and--
KAT: Yet you're still friends!
BRITTANY: Yeah, sure...
KAT: But...
BRITTANY: But...
KAT: What did he SAY?!
[laughter]
KAT: Brit...!
BRITTANY: No.
KAT: Brit...!
BRITTANY: No.
[screams]
MUGGER: Give me your phones, wallets, fast, and nobody gets hurt!
BRITTANY: No!
MUGGER: Do it!
[grunts of pain]
KAT: Brit, Brit, Brit, let's go! Let's go, let's go!
[coughing]
KAT: Are you okay?
BRITTANY: I HAD him!
BRITTANY: Thanks.
SHANE: No problem.
I was up.
I'm just glad you're okay.
What happened?
BRITTANY: We were mugged.
KAT: She went nuts on him.
She was like a . . . different person back there.
BRITTANY: I don't think he had a weapon, but--
SHANE: You're safe now.
That's what matters.
BRITTANY: I don't know why I was so stupid.
[random hurdy-gurdy tones]
EVAN (IC): Oh, bother!
BRITTANY (IC): Ah! Aarghh!
WILL: I gotcha, I gotcha.
BRITTANY (IC): Don't get me, get the foxling!
WILL: Hey-ey-ey! Eh?
BRITTANY (IC): The OTHER foxling!
SHANE (IC): [grunts]
WILL: Careful! I think this one's magic.
ARTHUR (IC): Give us the map before we take it from you!
EVAN (IC): No.
ARTHUR: No?!
EVAN (IC): Gosh, you're a bad thief!
It's not your map! It's my map!
I made it!
I don't see your name on it!
See, Keeta! Keeta's MY name!
You're ever-so-strong but you're name isn't Keeta.
I'm so sorry.
WILL: Oh, GUH-- Why don't we just kill him, ask Ellowyn to forgive us, and move on?
KAT: I don't wanna hammer Keeta!
WILL: Yeah, you do.
BRITTANY (IC): [sighs] Because, we're supposed to be better than that, Biff.
SHANE: Okay. No one needs to hammer anyone.
There are ways of problem-solving that don't involve beating up Evan.
KAT: I don't want to burn him, either.
SHANE: Not even.
Why don't you talk to him?
See what he wants?
Who knows? Maybe we can trade for the map.
KAT (IC): Oh, Keeta...
WILL: Here we go.
BRITTANY: Guh, be quiet!
BRITTANY (IC): ... Love.
KAT (IC): I don't suppose I can ask you to donate the map to a worthy cause?
EVAN (IC): I'm afraid not!
KAT (IC): Please!
We really do need the map.
I'm sorry for how my friends acted.
You deserve to be treated kindly.
EVAN (IC): You are kind!
Kinder than the others.
But I'm afraid the map stays with me.
I promised only to hand it to one who has proven their worth.
KAT (IC): Who did you promise?
EVAN (IC): I promised Keeta!
And I'M Keeta!
And a promise you make to yourself is very important to keep.
You'll only let yourself down, you know.
KAT (IC): Well, I know that I'm not worthy.
I still have so much to learn.
Maybe you could teach me?
I'm a very quick study.
EVAN (IC): A quick study or a quick tongue?
You're trying to out-fox a fox, fox!
You're trying to seduce me, Lady!
KAT (IC): No, I genuinely want to learn!
I want to be better! Be worthy!
Yes, I want to seduce you, Keeta, but that's not the point!
I do want to be worthy.
But I get so distracted...
I'm trying to stay focused, but you make it very hard on me...
EVAN (semi-IC): You're not playing fair.
KAT (IC): I'm sorry, I can't help it...
It's so hard to be good all the time...
EVAN: [gasps]
KAT (IC): But I can always ask forgiveness.
ARTHUR: Totally could've stolen that map.
Didn't even get to test my stealth.
Stupid thing!
Stupid bard!
WILL: Dude! You're not Noctus any more. Just let him go, man.
ARTHUR: Evan joining us, or what?
WILL: You need a minute, Evan?
Oh, sweet! She fried his brain! [laughter]
ARTHUR: Grow up, Will.
WILL: What?!
ALEX: [thoughtful humming]
That right there is nothing short of amazing.
You've got a real good thing going here, Hunter, real good.
SHANE: I'm glad you think so!
ALEX: Having your friend hit on your team leader like that--
SHANE: Game Master.
And I didn't tell her to do anything.
ALEX: Right.
Right.
What else can we "not" tell your friend to do?
SHANE: Nothing.
The game's interesting on its own merits.
We don't need to start screwing with it.
ALEX: Hunter, work with me.
This is one of our highest-rated columns.
SHANE: Then clearly I'm already doing everything right, Alex.
ALEX: Oh, come on. People love this sort of "shit."
I'm just saying we can do even better.
Maybe point Phil in the direction of y--
SHANE: I'll meet your deadlines.
I'll get your page views. That's it.
No, don't--
BUTTON: "That's the ticket!"
JEFF: Shaney Shane Shane!
SHANE: Jeff! Hi! Bye.
JEFF: Been catching up on your articles!
It's really good stuff. You should be proud.
SHANE: Thank you.
JEFF: Man, these long-lasting gigs are the best, eh?
I'm just surprised none of your group's caught on by now.
SHANE: Whatever do you mean, Jeff?
JEFF: Well, they haven't figured you out yet.
SHANE: I don't see what there is to figure out.
It's not like I'm spying on them.
They're my friends.
JEFF: Yeah, but, a lot of nerds are supposed to be smart.
SHANE: Goodbye, Jeff!
JEFF: Shane!
[knocks on window]
[repeated knocks on window]
JEFF: I know I don't find LARPing fun.
But you're invested now. I get that.
And you say you're not gonna manipulate them for better stories.
That's admirable.
But, c'mon.
How long is this gonna last for?
SHANE: I'm gonna tell them.
JEFF: All right.
SHANE: I am!
JEFF: [laughing] Okay!
Good luck with that.
SHANE: Thank you.
Was there anything else?
JEFF: Wanna go dancing?
Jeff's goin' dancing!
SHANE: I dated him.
For a time.
Yup. [sighs]
ARTHUR: How do you win four games straight?
How is that even possible?!
Why can't I ever beat you?
EVAN: Arthur, what are you talking about?
ARTHUR: Porrik sucks.
EVAN: What?
ARTHUR: He sucks, okay, Evan?
Porrik just really, really sucks.
He can't sneak around.
He can't steal anything.
He has a toothpick--
EVAN: Neither can the other PCs!
They don't suck!
ARTHUR: You know what, man, you just...
You're just... you just don't get it.
EVAN: Enlighten me.
ARTHUR: Noctus was perfect.
All right? He was just...
He was everything I could want, and now he's, he's gone, so...
EVAN: Yeah. Yeah, he's gone.
And you're not gonna be happy until you let him go.
ARTHUR: Oh! Oh, let him go.
Okay.
Can't believe I gave up Noctus for a freakin' bard.
TINA: If you roll up a vampire you can recycle some of your costume bits for sure.
CLAUDIA: Finding a good corset is gonna be murder.
You!
[gasps]
YOU!
TINA: No! He's not worth it. C'mon.
C'mon, he's nothing. Let's take a walk.
CLAUDIA: Triple shot latte, two shakes of cinnamon, biscotti, and--
Don't you dare forget the cinnamon.
HAROLD: Hi.
Um, can I get a, a, triple-shot latte, with two shakes of cinnamon--
WILL: Dude, I got it.
HAROLD: And, uh, two regular coffees, too, please.
WILL: Why do you put up with her?
HAROLD: Well, she's our leader.
I mean, we'd follow her anywhere.
Do anything for her.
WILL: Pretty crappy for her to treat you guys like that.
HAROLD: No, no, no! No, she--
It's just tough love. She's a true friend.
WILL: Hey, Lance. Question.
LANCE: Sure, kid.
WILL: What makes someone a true friend?
LANCE: True friend aren't always on your side.
They don't automatically forgive you.
But they always seem to be there when you need 'em most.
True friends have the ability to look at the shitstorm that's become your life
and realize you're doing the best you can.
I'm not the best person to answer your question.
You can only ask your true friends to look ya in the eye so many times
and realize you got no soul left.
It's not that I'm better off without friends, Will.
It's that they're better off without me.
No disappointment.
No blood on their hands.
WILL: You know, I shouldn't have asked?
Nope! Probably not.