- Think of a word or topic or a phrase that you would
like to hear a rap about.
There are some rules, don't think of food or animals.
That's the most common things our brains think of.
Don't say anything too obvious.
Don't say like masks or The Queen, be creative.
The best suggestion in the last 2 years was
a German man who said
"a day in the life of an Aztec high priest".
(audience laughing)
So, yeah. So, aim to be as creative as Klaus from Hamburg.
That would be lovely.
We'll get five suggestions,
one from each section of the room.
and then we will have some fun.
So if you are in this, this kind of wedge here,
what would you like a rap about?
- (audience speaks)
- Wait, I heard, I heard so many. What did you say?
- [Audience member] Bras.
- Bras? Cool. I say no, as in brassieres, yes? Good. Cool.
She could have been French and talking about arms.
I don't know.
Okay. So bras. A word from you guys over here.
- [Audience member] The girls in the lake.
- The girls in the lake.
Is this like, one of those podcasts about
murders or something, what's?
(audience laughing)
I was like, I've never heard of that one.
It sounds good. The girls in the lake.
Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.
Middle, middle. I mean the people, what'd you say?
- [Audience member] Facial hair.
- Facial hair, and you said?
- [Audience Member] Toilet paper.
- Toilet paper, okay, cool. Toilet paper and facial hair.
Yeah. Okay. I'm happy taking those.
And the people over here, what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] A gay Ukrainian potato peeler.
- A gay Ukrainian potato peeler?
I mean it would of been fine with just
Ukrainian potato peeler wouldn't it?
But you were like, no.
Let's yeah. Let's make him gay as well. Cool.
(audience laughter)
That's fine I mean technically
one tenth of Ukrainian potato peelers are.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Well this, this is going to be a freestyle.
So Cipher are you okay to come and do some beats for us?
I thought that would be fun.
Yeah that's what your here for.
Cipher Sounds everybody.
He's about to drop some beats, and Will.
Will, what are you here for?
- I'm gonna make sure you don't forget the words.
- You're gonna make sure I don't forget the words thank you.
- The words that he didn't even make up yet?
- I like it. Okay, cool. So like I said,
freestyle rap made up entirely on the spot,
not written, not prepared, not rehearsed.
These words were all taken from you guys and don't worry.
It won't be anywhere near as atrociously bad
as you're expecting a privately educated middle class
white British boy to be.
- (audience laughter)
- I'm glad you seem convinced.
If we can drop that beat Cipher,
let's have some fun with it.
- Drop that beat. Drop that beat
- Yes we're dropping that beat.
I'm excited for this. Cool.
(Chris rapping) You're unsure now
but turn to cheering lee a let me talk ya off
like a one ply paper.
In the toilet it spoils it,
your finger goes goes through
when it's not thick enough to protect from the poo.
What ya, gonna do, a year ago, people in the stores,
they were rushing to and fro, they're like,
shit! Need to stock pile all of the TP,
store it in a cupboard right there next to laundry.
Make it stack up. You've gotta get supplied.
I always recommend the three ply. Why?
Because its more plush, more soft on your butt.
It hurts if it's fractured,
it feel kind of hot with the hemorrhoid avoiding that
I say ya, looking nice good
when you're wearing a bra.
But if you wanna be a second wave feminist
you can take them off and burn them.
Jermaine Gray could never resist that.
She put it there in the trash can.
I like a lacy bra, I'm a posh man.
I walk into Victoria secret,
I take one. I'm like, yes,
this will really please her.
my wife and me.
I've got the little wedding ring. I get the small size.
She got little titty things
That be okay, but they're both double A.
At least they're matching. Yeah. Perfectly.
Now I'm moving on, this insane for sure.
You're over in Ukraine, you see a little farmer.
You're like, oh, what a sexual man.
I see him down there on his knees, on his hands
taking all the tubes out the ground.
You look at all the lovely starchy veggies that you found.
Remove them from the soil,
toil hard with that little peeler.
Then he takes off his shirt oh he reveals a,
real rip bod. He got the washboard abs.
I look at him, I say I miss my dad.
Then there's some type of Freudian connection
I checkout his backside, a collection.
I say, sup dude, want to go on a date today?
And he says, you're in luck.
I say why? Because I'm gay. Wow!
Never thought that would be here in Ukraine
blue and yellow on the flag that's insane.
And so we're moving on.
Never make the mistake of
thinking you should listen to podcast about a lake
with any girls in
It won't be winning while their drowning,
decomposing, not swimming.
I know what took it down a dark little route there.
You find them trapped by an anchor with their long hair.
Take the bodies out.
And I'm assuming they do forensic research when they exhume.
Look down here,
it's been about two months underwater
this is really sad because this is somebodies daughter.
Well move on quicker, because its making me feel
that I'm drowned inside, I really wish I could reveal,
I could grow some hair
but sadly none goes there.
One, I've got no chin and two,
I don't care to take any of the pills
that improve all the growth of your follicles
around the little chin or the mothe or the mouth.
I had to change it. So it rhymes.
How long did it take you sir,
how much time to get a mustache and goatee
and sideburns joined up?
In lock down I was like, hold up.
I'm gonna grow, grow, grow, and never shave
I gave it up about after 55 days
because nothing just happened,
or maybe I've got some stuff around my mouth,
but it just looked like bum fluff. There we go.
- (audience cheers)
- Wow. Yeah.
Wow, yeah bitches. That's how we do.
To 2
Mother fuckers, see you, see you when I see you.
You aint gonna see me when you see.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
- Yeah, back the fuck up bitch.
- Yeah.
- Give it up for Chris Turner.
- Thank you very much guys.
- Wow.
- Holy shit. Wow.
Chris Turner. Wha..
Chris Turner,
- You want to keep me?
- I'm just saying amazing
- Let me compliment you on your bit at the end.
- (audience laughter)
- His voice is very soothing.
- His voice?
- Is very soothing voice.
- Thank you that how we got away with all of our empire.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You committed atrocities yes, but we sounded like this.
- (audience laughter)