On this episode of China Uncensored:
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
step right up to witness
the showdown of the century!
Place your bets now!
Hi, welcome to China Uncensored,
I’m your host Chris Chappell.
It was the showdown we were all waiting for.
The world’s two biggest economies
contending for the title of world superpower.
Last week, the leader of the unfree world,
and head of the Chinese Communist Party,
Xi Jinping, met with the leader of the free world,
and head of the Mar-a-Lago Palm Beach Improvement Society,
Donald Trump.
The whole world tuned in to watch the two-day fight
at Trump’s Mar-a-lago estate here
in Palm Beach, Florida.
Donald Trump expected it to be “very difficult”.
A high stakes gamble for both sides.
No pattycake playing here.
It was head-to-head.
Mano-a-mano.
Dare I say...a real face-off.
But the most important question for this epic showdown is:
who won?
So today on China Uncensored,
we’ll give you a blow-by-blow
rundown of the match.
And the two contenders are out!
Trump arrives at West Palm Beach Airport
with a crowd cheering his name.
Definitely, a point for Trump.
Xi arrives at the same airport.
Sorry, Xi, not as flashy.
But wait, he’s a gentleman,
taking his wife’s hand as they walk down the jetway.
Point for Xi Jinping.
Ok, so they're tied.
But I'm sure that will change.
Let's move on to the most hotly anticipated
part of the summit,
the all-important handshake.
Trump is famous for his patented
“yank-and-pull” style of handshake.
And the occasional no-handshake.
How will Xi Jinping handle it?
Shoot!
Let’s see if there’s another angle.
Trump goes in for the yank-and-pull…
but like a Taichi master,
Xi effortlessly steps in to absorb the handshake,
meeting it with a firm handshake of his own.
He had extensive training from China’s
National Department of Handshake Defense Techniques.
So that’s a point for Xi Jinping.
Next, the family meeting.
Ivanka Trump brings out her five-year-old daughter Arabella
to woo Xi Jinping and his wife
with a traditional Chinese song.
Trump gets a point
for having an adorable granddaughter.
Oh, and Arabella didn't sing just any song.
Apparently that song was a favorite of former Chinese leader
and Xi’s staunch political enemy,
Jiang Zemin.
Trump gets another point for having
a political mastermind for a granddaughter.
What did the Chinese side offer as a comeback?
Showing off the power of Chinese collectivism,
busloads of Chinese nationalists came to
welcome Xi Jinping outside his hotel.
Or maybe they just got lost
on their way to a Star Trek convention.
But wait,
what is that terrible music they’re blasting?
It sounds like the theme song for
Battle on Shangganling Mountain,
a propaganda film idolizing China’s fight against
American troops during the Korean War.
The song slanders US troops as “wolves,”
and goes on to say,
“if the ravenous wolves come,
those greeting them have hunting guns.”
Bad form.
But, that’s still a point for Xi
for largest volume of supporters.
But, then I also have to give Trump a point
for his supporters,
who make up for their lack in numbers
with a whole lot of enthusiasm.
Showing off the power of American individualism,
this guy.
This driver is winning so much,
he’s probably sick of winning.
And it’s a pretty close match so far
between Trump and Xi.
So what did they talk about the first day?
And so far I have gotten nothing,
absolutely nothing.
But we have developed a friendship.
Friendship?
Friendship with China
doesn’t have much political value for Trump.
He’s already got friends.
Loads of friends.
The best friends.
But for Xi Jinping,
friendship with America
is a huge propaganda coup.
So a point for Xi,
and it’s looking...like a tie.
Shoot.
That can’t be right.
This was the epic showdown
between the world’s two biggest economies.
Superpower meets superpower.
There’s got to be a winner!
Hold on.
Trump still has a trump card to play!
Syria!
While enjoying a fancy dinner
of Dover Sole and New York Steak
and definitely not the McDonald’s
he’d threatened two years ago,
Trump launches a missile strike against Syria,
punishing Assad for his chemical attack on civilians.
Boom!
Trump shows Xi that he is a man of action.
And it backs up the threats he made earlier last week
that “if China is not going to solve North Korea,
we will.”
Plus it knocks the wind out of the claims
Trump is a stooge of Russia.
Three points for Trump!
Ok, now this is getting interesting.
Moving on to Friday,
when Trump and Xi sat down to have that "candid" "frank" conversation
they were both looking forward to so much.
First, what didn't they talk about.
Apparently, no mention of Taiwan
or the One-China Policy.
Point for Xi.
What about the South China Sea?
Well, according to Secretary of State Tillerson,
Trump brought it up…
but didn't really say anything
that Xi Jinping can't just ignore.
So actually, that’s a point for Xi.
What about human rights—
something that Trump was urged to bring up
during the meeting?
Tillerson said that Trump
"also noted the importance of protecting human rights
and other values deeply held by Americans."
Well, that's good.
But when a reporter asked Tillerson
whether the Trump Administration would pressure China
on specific human rights violations,
here's what he said:
As to the discussions around human rights in China,
I think America’s values are quite clear
and they really occupied a core of all of our discussions.
I don't think you have to have a separate conversation...
They’re really embedded in every discussion.
So human rights are part of being American
so we don't have to talk separately about human rights
because we're American?
I'm going to interpret that as no,
we did not talk to China
about their human rights violations.
I'm disappointed in you, T-Rex.
Another point for Xi.
And the two are tied again.
Now comes the contentious North Korea issue.
Ninety percent of the rogue regime’s trade
is done with China.
But getting the Chinese Communist Party
to turn on its little brother
has been difficult.
But at Mar-a-Lago,
Xi Jinping agreed that
“action had to be taken” against North Korea.
Probably launching that missile strike on Syria
helped Trump get his point across, too.
Now it looks like China is taking some action.
They just sent back North Korea coal ships
as part of UN sanctions.
And they're also talking again to South Korea
about hitting North Korea with more sanctions.
That is a solid point for Trump.
But it’s also a win for Xi Jinping,
because giving the appearance
of being tough on North Korea
prevents the US from acting on its own,
which would have put China in a very awkward spot.
Plus Xi Jinping already wanted to contain North Korea,
so this is a good excuse for him.
I’d say it’s more of a win than a concession.
So Xi deserves a point for that, too.
Now, how about trade?
Surely, someone will break this tie.
China has enjoyed a huge trade surplus with the US
for more than two decades.
Last year, it stood at 347 billion dollars.
And all those exports have been propping up
China’s economy.
So Trump comes into the ring
with harsh rhetoric about these trade imbalances.
At the meeting,
according to Financial Times,
Xi Jinping “offered the Trump administration
better market access for financial sector investments.”
Xi Jinping also agreed to,
“Lift China’s 13-year-long ban on U.S. beef
and buy more American grain and agricultural products.”
And to further sweeten the pot,
Xi and Trump agreed to a 100-day plan for trade talks
to discuss how to handle China’s trade surplus.
So that’s a point for President Trump,
because he got the Chinese
to make big trade concessions.
But it’s also a win for Xi Jinping.
In a masterful move
that can only further demonstrate
Xi Jinping’s knowledge of Taichi,
he absorbs the blow
and redirects it to his advantage.
See, by making these concessions,
Xi Jinping avoids the trade war
Trump has been threatening.
And the kicker is, he does it for practically nothing.
All these “concessions” to Trump
are actually things the Chinese government was
already working on
with the Obama administration.
So another point for Xi, and...
We’re tied again.
Really?
No.
This cannot end in a tie.
There has to be something else we can look at.
What about their outfits?
Or their wives' outfits?
Who won best dress?
Who won best tie?!
Or the walk that they took after lunch?
Who won the walk?!
What's that, Shelley?
What do you mean, the scoreboard only goes
up to nine?!
We need to know who won the summit!!
Fine.
There's only one way to settle this:
rematch.
Trump accepted Xi's invitation
to visit China later this year.
There, he will enter the dragon’s court,
and once and for all decide
who is the world’s sole superpower!
So stay tuned,
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Thanks for your support.
Once again I’m your host, Chris Chappell.
See you next time.