Today we rank the worst mall Santa photos.
Let's talk about that.
♪(intro music)♪
Good Mythical Morning.
Now, I'm not a big fan of mall Santas,
not the real Santa, but mall Santas,
because they're all impostors. And here's how I know,
when I was a kid, I waited for three hours in line at the Crabtree Valley Mall,
and when I finally got up there on his lap, I said, "Santa, I want a Game Boy."
And you know what I ended up getting in my stocking?
One of those underwater mazes, where you try to get the ball
- to go from one side to the other. - Those are cool.
That's not a Game Boy.
It's a game, boy.
- But it's not a Game Boy, Santa. - (laughs)
- Impostor Santa. - Impostor Santas are the worst.
But then, there are the worst of the worst mall Santas in photo form,
and we're going to rank those today. Let's get to it.
- ♪(rock music)♪ - (Link) Ranked.
- (Rhett) Ho, ho, oh no. - (Link) Worst mall Santa photos ever.
- (explosive sound) - Okay, here's how this is gonna work,
in order for us to make an impartial, open-minded decision,
we have asked members of the Mythical Crew
(Link) to present their photo for worst mall Santa photo ever.
And then we are going to rank them from one to five.
One being the worst mall Santa photo ever,
- because it matters. - Yes it does.
Let's get started with Chase.
- What have we got here, Chase? - Good gosh.
This is the worst mall Santa photo ever.
It's not only got a really creepy Santa, but also, like, a Terminator Bunny thing
(Chase) with mustache and stain on its-- That's not a clean bunny suit.
- It has stain. - (Chase) Yeah.
Bunny has stain.
(Chase) It mirrors the beard stain. There's a weird stain on that.
(Chase) And then, I don't know what the other dude is.
(Chase) He's like a tramp kind of clown maybe, but also--
Rudolph, the red-nosed clown.
- And he's a firefighter? - I think he's a nutcracker.
- He is a nutcracker. - I think he is the nutcracker.
(Rhett) And this guy looks like he might actually crack nuts.
(laughs)
- (Chase) I'm scared of every one. - There's a lot going on in this photo.
This is the scariest photo I've ever seen, Christmas or not.
Exactly.
But I will say, that is one top shelf unibrow.
- (Rhett) It is. - I mean, it literally is a top shelf.
No breakage in it, and you can see--
I think the nutcracker is Santa's son.
I think this a family team thing.
(crew laughs)
And this is what he's got to look forward to later in life,
and you can see the look on his face. That he knows that that's what's
- gonna happen one day. - Yeah, he's like, hm mm.
Yeah, he's very worried.
My future is not bright.
But I will say that, this could be the real Santa, because that beard
has seen some actual weather.
You know, this is what happens when you're flying across the Earth,
- all in one night. - Either that or--
Going through dust storms, and climate changes, and rain.
This is what happens.
Either that, or you've dipped your beard in the ocean forever.
Okay, this is not a situation I would want to be-- To find myself in,
but let's see what else we've got. We're going to just, just temporarily
just move this to number one.
And, up next, Lizzie.
- Yeah. - (laughs)
This is the worst mall Santa, because he's just-- The look of defeat
(Lizzie) in his eyes is so pure. It's like you can just see to his soul,
(Lizzie) and he regrets everything, including these children that rolled up
in a shopping cart. Also, when I first looked at it,
I thought it was like a Great Depression photo, like a Dust Bowl situation,
but I'd like to direct your attention to the sign that says, 2010 in the upper left.
- (Rhett) This is pretty recent. - (Lizzie) This is six years ago.
I've a lot of questions, including; why are they
in a shopping cart? Like, did the mother think this was
some sort of safe haven dump situation?
Actually, I think this is-- When I see this, I think,
why have I not seen this before? Why isn't this done more often?
'Cause you got, clearly a kid who's terrified.
- (Lizzie) Yeah. - So why not just roll them up
in a cage that they can't escape.
- (crew laughs) - (Rhett) Right in front of Santa.
I mean, I put my kids in that cage to go shopping
whenever I have to do that.
- And cage is the proper term. - Yeah.
- Yeah, it's a rolling cage. - (Link) Kids, get in the cage,
so you don't reach out for stuff that I don't want you to buy,
- or to be situated in front of a Santa. - Right.
My question is, what did Santa do to the kid on the left?
(Lizzie) Yeah, he's comatose. That kid is unconscious.
Well, let me make an observation. I think Santa might have
a sedative laced glove, that he has broken out,
because it is clearly making contact with that child, and that child
(Rhett) has responded appropriately.
(Link) And that's why his sister is freaking out.
"Santa's magic touch killed my brother."
No, it didn't kill him, he's just out for a little bit.
(Lizzie) I'd just like to say-- - You're getting very sleepy.
You're talking about a magic touch Santa that just knocks kids unconscious,
so, that's the worst. Like, you're not getting worse than that.
(Lizzie) That's terrifying.
And then he just pushes the cart slowly into his cave.
(laughs)
This is not the feeling I want at Christmas time.
Alright, Alex, what have we got here?
Oh goodness.
This isn't going to help you, Link. This is the last known photo
ever taken of these children.
(all laugh)
(Alex) You see their eyes. Those are what I like to call,
(Alex) 'Help me' eyes.
(Alex) Without a doubt have been abducted.
(Alex) Pretty dead eyes on Santa Clause there too.
- I think-- - They're pretty.
That is a mask, I believe.
Sure. If you want to believe that, Link, you can.
Please tell me that's a mask.
No, it's a mask.
(Rhett) You think these look like 'Help me' eyes, but I can barely
look at this photo, and I'm just surprised at how calm the children are.
They're definitely sedated without a doubt.
I mean, that girl's sniffing something there.
(all laugh)
She's sniffing her flower in order to mask the smell of burnt flesh,
which is definitely what Santa's mask is made of.
Yeah, he's got a melt-y thing kind of going on there.
Oh my gosh!
It does raise the question, though, I mean, is it possible that this man's
regular face with a beard is worse than this?
Because, why would you make the decision to wear the mask?
I think it's old, you know, it's an older-- People's mask game back in the day
was way scarier. I've noticed.
1920 masks are terrifying stuff.
You cannot force this.
If you don't have Santa face, then don't be Santa.
- Right. - I mean, I think it's that simple.
This is a very clear example of that.
Okay, I'm creeped out.
You should be.
Alright, next up, we got Micah.
And, you know, I'm taking these down so we--
This is arbitrary, so let's not do a pre-ranking.
We'll wait for the end for that.
Alright, Micah, what have we got?
Okay, so while we're in the realm of Santas who hide their faces,
I call this one, Santam of the Opera.
I think, first off, you touched on this a little bit, but you should never trust
a Santa if you can't see his face.
- I can definitely not see his face. - No face there.
And I definitely do not trust him.
Yeah, and the kid doesn't either, you can tell he's, like,
giving eyes to his mom like, "Please get me off this guy's lap."
Well, he is the first kid who has the perfect response to the situation.
(all laugh)
I mean, how hard is it to put on a beard? I didn't think you had to put instructions
on where the mustache goes on a beard.
I think this is a coping mechanism.
- He does not want to be there. - This Santa is--
This is like year seven of this, and every year he's just slowly
retreated more into-- And now it's just, you can barely see
- (crew laughs) - the world. This guy's a genius.
He's only got one rule, do not stick your hand in Santa's hole.
- (laughs) - That is the only rule you have to follow
- with this guy. - Actually, you know what?
I don't think there's a Santa in there at all.
I think this kid is posing with a pile of Santa costumes.
Well, that's cheaper. You don't have to pay anybody.
There's no flesh. That stuff right there is just
- the lining of the beard. - I had a few theories.
One was that it was John Hamm, or a famous person, probably John Hamm.
- (crew laughs) - Okay.
It could be a known serial killer.
Hm mm.
But, I kind of agree with you, Link, that it's not a person.
I think that maybe it's like a pillowcase full of hamburger meat or something.
- Or maybe it's just like-- - A pile of Santa costumes.
(Micah) Stuffed with more Santa costumes, yeah.
You never know what could be in there.
It's a great idea.
Alright, and Stevie. Goodness gracious.
Alright, guys, you've seen a lot of Santas today,
but have you seen Santas with purple eye shadow?
- (Stevie) Now you have. - (Link) Now I have.
- (Rhett) Oh gosh. Wow! - (Stevie) I also feel like this is
one of the only photos in which the kids are equally as creepy as the Santa,
because you can see they're holding handcuffs, as their gifts,
(Stevie) and they are pretty excited about it.
(Stevie) Except for the kid that did not get handcuffs,
whose eyes read, "I wanted handcuffs!"
- (Rhett and crew laugh) - (Rhett) Yeah, he definitely did.
I mean, I think it's very clear, based on the eye shadow game here,
that Santa gave them those handcuffs.
They didn't ask for them, he's just dolling them out.
Or he's, like, speaking to the parent behind the camera, like,
"Why did you frame me giving them these handcuffs?"
His eyes say, like, "Help" a little bit.
Not as much as the kids in the vintage photo, though.
I will say one thing, just in defense of this Santa, it is very easy
to get carried away with those smokey eye tutorials on YouTube.
(crew laughs)
That has happened to me one too many times.
But, this looks like it came at a time before smokey eye tutorials on YouTube,
so this is just something this Santa came up with.
- Hold on, let me play devil's advocate. - Please do.
I think that, if you took away the Santa costume, but left the eye shadow,
this guy might look normal, or at least cool.
- (Rhett) I don't understand the point. - I'm confused by that observation. (laughs)
Are you saying this is like a guy that might have permanent
- eye shadow tattoos? - Yeah, like he could just--
That could be tattooed on there.
And this is just, when he plays Santa, this is just part of the package.
Picture him without the beard, and you're like,
"Oh, normal guy with very enunciated eyebrows, and eye shadow.
- It doesn't make me feel any better. - Okay, I tried.
I tried to stick up for you, dude.
It didn't work. And then you've got,
(Link) if you look, you can see you've got all these other kids back here
- waiting to come out. - There are-- You assume they're waiting.
I think they've already been taken to Santa's cabin.
- I think they were-- - The doors slowly closing on them.
That's how it works. You're given the handcuffs,
- and then you're escorted into the cabin. - (Lizzie) (laughs) Oh no!
Yeah, this is-- Man. I didn't know it was going
to get this creepy. Let's get this over with.
- Okay. - Rank 'em.
Alright, so let's go in reverse.
Alright, so between Alex's and Lizzie's,
I think we got to start off this way.
(Rhett) Yeah, because, I feel like this--
What?
You don't like Grapes of Wrath Santa up further?
This is like something you see every day, sans the cart.
And this is like, I don't think it was creepy for its time.
It's super creepy now, but in its time it was just kind of like,
"Yeah, another guy with a Santa mask made of human flesh."
And Micah's 'Not actually a Santa under there'
is pretty bad.
I like the way this is going.
So then I think it's, I don't know, I'm just going to food for thought here,
- and put Stevie's-- - Yes!
But then, I don't know, I-- Between Chase's and Stevie's--
See how this feels.
I would never sit in this Santa's lap.
But I wouldn't want to be in a room with these people.
It's horrible.
I feel like if I maintain a five foot distance from this Santa, I'm okay,
- (crew laughs) - (Rhett) But if I get into this same--
- Yeah. - If I'm in a fifteen foot radius
with this group, any one of them could kill me.
Pick it up, and then slide it.
Ladies and gentlemen, here you have it, the top five worst mall Santa photos ever.
Good work, mythical team. (Rhett and crew clap)
And thank you for liking, commenting, and subscribing.
You know what time it is.
Hello, it's Santa Clause here, in (unintelligible) Massachusetts,
and I say it's time to spin the Wheel of Gifticality.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
You can go over to CreepySantaPhotos.com,
or AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com to see some of these photos
that we used, and a whole lot more. Thank you for that.
Click through to Good Mythical More, we're gonna analyze Jen's photo album
over the years, she's take a photo with Santa every single year of her life.
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Go to StJude.org/givethanks to join us in donating.
Thank you for being your mythical best.
[Captioned by Jack GMM Captioning Team]