WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HAPPY COMEY DAY, EVERYBODY.
MERE MOMENTS FROM NOW, ONE COMMERCIAL BREEK FROM NOW, I'M
GOING TO BE SITTING DOWN OVER THERE WITH FORMER F.B.I.
DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY AND I'M GOING TO ASK HIM ALL THE
IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.
IS THERE A PEE PEE TAPE?
DOES HE BELIEVE HIS FIRING IS OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE?
CAN YOU GET THAT THING OFF THE TOP SHELF FOR ME?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW IT'S THE PEE PEE TAPE.
CAN YOU GET IT OFF THERE?
NOW HIS BOOK IS ABOUT MAINTAINING HIGH ETHICAL
STANDARDS IN PUBLIC OFFICE, WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
"STORMY WATCH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> TRUMP ASKED TO LOOK AT ALL THE EVIDENCE SEIZED FROM COHEN'S
OFFICE BEFORE THE GOVERNMENT HAD A CHANCE TO, AND THE JUDGE
SAID-- AND I QUOTE-- NO.
BUT SHE IS CONSIDERING TURNING THE EVIDENCE OVER TO WHAT IS
CALLED A "SPECIAL MASTER.
ALSO WHAT TRUMP CALLED STORMY DANIELS WHILE SHE WAS SPANKING
HIM WITH THAT MAGAZINE.
ALLEGEDLY, WE DON'T KNOW.
AND TRUMP'S GOT TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT THE FEDS ARE GOING TO
FIND.
IN FACT, "THE GUYS THAT KNOW TRUMP BEST ARE THE MOST WORRIED.
PEOPLE ARE VERY, VERY WORRIED.
BECAUSE IT'S MICHAEL 'EFFING' COHEN.
WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S DONE?" BESIDES KEEPING THE PUBLIC FROM
FINDING OUT WHO TRUMP'S BEEN EFFING?
( LAUGHTER ) AND, FOR THE RECORD, THAT STANDS
FOR "FRIENDING."
AS IN, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIENDING MIND?"
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, COHEN IS INTO ALL SORTS OF
SHADY DEALINGS.
SHADY DEALINGS, BY THE WAY, THE NEXT PORN STAR.
SOURCES SAY-- I HEARD, ALLEGEDLY.
( LAUGHTER ) SOURCES SAY, "PEOPLE AT THE
TRUMP ORGANIZATION DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW EVERYTHING COHEN
DOES.
IT'S ALL SIDE DEALS AND OFF-THE-BOOKS STUFF.
TRUMP DOESN'T EVEN FULLY KNOW."
"WAIT.
WHO DID I HAVE SEX WITH?
REALLY?
BUT I'M MARRIED."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THINGS MIGHT HAVE GONE
BETTER IF COHEN WAS MORE FOCUSED ON HIS CASE.
IT TURNS OUT, COHEN WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH THE COURTROOM
SKETCH ARTISTS.
HE ASKED TO SEE THE DRAWINGS THEY MADE OF HIM, SAYING "I'M
BETTER LOOKING."
( LAUGHTER ) ARE YOU SURE THAT SHOULD BE YOUR
PRIORITY RIGHT NOW?
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE HANGED, AND YOU SAY, "HOLD ON.
DOES THIS ROPE MAKE MY NECK LOOK FAT?"
BUT, TELL YOU WHAT, LET US BE THE JUDGE.
BUT LET ME BE THE JUDGE.
JIM, CAN YOU PUT UP THAT COURTROOM SKETCH?
THAT'S HIM IN THE MIDDLE.
NOT GREAT.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO REALLY SHOULD HAVE COMPLAINED?
THOSE WATER BOTTLES.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS ALSO AN APPEARANCE
FROM PORN STAR AND MAJOR HISTORICAL FIGURE, STORMY
DANIELS.
OF COURSE, ONE OF THE MOST DISTURBING ELEMENTS OF HER STORY
IS BEING THREATENED IN FRONT OF HER DAUGHTER BY A MAN SHE
BELIEVES WAS LINKED TO TRUMP AND COHEN.
SO SHE SAT DOWN WITH A FORENSIC SKETCH ARTIST, AND TODAY SHE
RELEASED THE COMPOSITE DRAWING.
THERE HE IS, THE MAN WHO THREATENED HER, THE LOVE CHILD
OF WILLEM DAFOE, TOM BRADY, AND BON JOVI.
( LAUGHTER ) AND-- I THINK I HEARD-- IS THIS
TRUE?
WE HAVE A VIDEO OF HIS LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS.
♪ ♪ ♪ AND-- SORRY, SORRY.
I WAS BACK-- I WAS BACK IN THE 80s.
I WAS BACK IN IT.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT!
>> Stephen: THAT WAS MY SCENE.
AND IF BEING A GOON DOESN'T WORK OUT, HE COULD BECOME A MODEL FOR
ABERCROMBIE & FITCH.
IN FACT, I THINK I SAW HIM IN ONE OF THEIR CATALOGS.
JIM, PAN UP.
AH-HA!