WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS THE DAY AFTER SUPER TUESDAY-- ALSO KNOWN AS "OLD MAN
WEDNESDAY."
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF--
>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
>> I BEAT TRUMP!
>> I LOST THEM ALL.
>> THEY DON'T CALL IT SUPER TUESDAY FOR NOTHING!
>> BING, BING, BONG, BONG.
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE: 2020."
>> Stephen: IT WAS A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE ARE EXCITED.
IT WAS A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT FOR FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND
ONLY DENTAL WORK THAT CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE, JOE BIDEN.
14 STATES HELD PRIMARIES LAST NIGHT, AND BIDEN WON TEN OF
THEM, INCLUDING STATES HE WAS NEVER EXPECTED TO WIN, LIKE
TEXAS.
APPARENTLY, DOWN THERE, HE APPEALED TO HISPANIC VOTERS,
BECAUSE LIKE MANY OF THEM, HIS FIRST LANGUAGE IS NOT ENGLISH.
( LAUGHTER )
THE TOP PRIORITY FOR DEMOCRATS IS WHICH CANDIDATE CAN BEAT
DONALD TRUMP.
AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE LOOKED OVER THE FIELD, AND LAST NIGHT,
THEY PUT THEIR FUTURE IN JOE BIDEN'S HANDS.
LET'S SEE THE VERY FIRST THING HE SAID AT HIS RALLY:
>> BY THE WAY, THIS IS MY LITTLE SISTER, VALERIE, AND I'M
JILL'S HUSBAND-- OH, NO, THERE YOU ARE!
AH, YOU SWITCHED ON ME!
>> Stephen: OKAY!
OKAY!
( LAUGHTER )
IT COULD STILL CAUSE TROUBLE IF HE BECOMES PRESIDENT.
( AS BIDEN )
NUMBER--302917-- OOPS, THAT'S THE NEW NUCLEAR CODES.
THEY SWITCHED 'EM ON ME!"
BIDEN WAS FIRED UP FROM HIS BIG WIN, MAYBE A LITTLE TOO
FIRED UP.
HE CAN BE HARD TO FOLLOW ON A LOW-ENERGY DAY, AND LAST NIGHT,
HE SOUNDED LIKE THEY GROUND UP SOME MONKEY ADRENAL GLANDS AND
JUST INJECTED THEM STRAIGHT INTO HIS BRAIN STEM.
>> A BOLD VISION... STANDING UP TO AND BEATING THE N.R.A.-- THE
GUN MANUFACTURERS...ACCESS TO HOSPITALS IN RURALS AREAS, THE
AS WELL AS URBAN AREAS.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I
PROMISE: GAH, YAH!
YAGGIDAH-BAH!
COME ON, FOLKS!" BIDEN-- I JUST GOT TO GET SOME
FLIP-DOWN SHADES.
JUST GET ME SOME FLIP-DOWN SHADES.
BIDEN STUCK IT TO NEIGH SAYERS OUT THERE WHO HAD COUNTED HIM
OUT.
>> JUST A FEW DAYS AGO, THE PRESS AND THE PUNDITS HAD
DECLARED THE CAMPAIGN DEAD.
I'M HERE TO REPORT WE ARE VERY MUCH ALIVE.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS.
THEY SAID WE WERE DEAD, BUT THEN THEY DUG ME UP, STRAPPED TO A
LIGHTNING, AND FRANKENSTEINED ME BACK, JACK!
C'MON, FIRE BAD!
C'MON, FIRE BAD!"
JOE'S BIG NIGHT REALLY WAS REMARKABLE, BECAUSE "HE WON IN
STATES WHERE HE DIDN'T CAMPAIGN.
HE WON IN STATES WHERE HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE OFFICES."
IN FACT, IN MINNESOTA, BIDEN'S ENTIRE GROUND OPERATION WAS JUST
THIS FLYER: "JOE BIDEN AVAILABLE TO DOG SIT OR BE PRESIDENT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THEY REALLY DON'T WANT BERNIE.
>> Stephen: BIDEN DID SO WELL, HE EVEN CAPTURED ELIZABETH
WARREN'S HOME STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE HE DID NOT
APPEAR IN PERSON.
IF I'M ELIZABETH WARREN RIGHT NOW, THAT'S THE LAST TIME I
CAMPAIGN COHERENTLY.
NEXT TIME, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE "CRAZY AUNT LIZZIE'S NO-MALARKEY
STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS FOLKSY-RIFIC WOODEN NICKEL IN
EVERY GARAGE CAMPAIGN-GANZA!"
BUT-- THAT'S A LOT.
A LOT TO SAY.
DO I STILL NEED THESE?
I DO STILL EYE DON'T KNOW.
BUT IT WOULDN'T BE A BIDEN RALLY WITHOUT A LITTLE CONFUSION.
AND LAST NIGHT IT CAME FROM SOME ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTERS.
>> WE COME FROM THE-- >> LET DAIRY DIE!
( BOOING ) LET DAIRY DIE!
LET DAIRY DIE!
( BOOING ) >> Stephen: HMM...DAIRY RIGHTS
ACTIVISTS?
I WONDER WHO THAT WAS?
JIM, ZOOM IN.
IT'S JOAQUIN PHOENIX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I KNEW IT!
STILL A GRIPPING PERFORMANCE.
I GOTTA GIVE IT TO THE GUY.
AND LOOK AT HOW JILL BIDEN AGREEMENTED THAT WOMAN WHEN SHE
GOT ON STAGE.
I DON'T KNOW IF JOE CAN WIN THE PRESIDENCY, BUT JILL IS
DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN SUMMER SLAM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BOOM!
OH, YEAH.
ATOMIC ELBORO-DROP.
IT WAS A DISAPPOINTING NIGHT FOR THE PREVIOUS FRONTRUNNER,
VERMONT SENATOR AND D.J. WHO KNOWS YOU CAN SCREAM LOUDER THAN
THAT, BERNIE SANDERS.
SANDERS WON FOUR STATES, INCLUDING CALIFORNIA, BUT "MANY
YOUNG VOTERS SAT OUT SUPER TUESDAY, CONTRIBUTING TO BERNIE
SANDERS' LOSSES."
( AS BERNIE )
GET OFF YOUR TIKTOK SNAP CHATS, AND VOTE!
OR I WILL COME DOWN TO ONE OF THE THREE JOBS YOU ARE WORKING
AND SLAP THE VAPE PEN RIGHT OUT OF YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTHS.
STEP UP THE FLAVOR.
THIS IS IT."
YOU SAY THIS, AND THEN DO YOU THAT.
THIS IS IT!
LAST NIGHT, AT HIS RALLY, BERNIE TOOK THE FIGHT RIGHT TO BIDEN BY
COMPARING THEIR RECORDS.
>> ONE OF US HAS SPENT HIS ENTIRE LIFE FIGHTING AGAINST
CUTS IN SOCIAL SECURITY.
ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS BEEN ON THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE CALLING
FOR CUTS TO SOCIAL SECURITY.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "ONE OF US WANTED TO LEAVE THE
"LION KING" AS IT WAS.
THE OTHER SAID, "LET'S REMAKE IT WITH COMPUTER LIONS."
COMPLETELY TOOK AWAY THE WHIMSY.
HAKUNA MA-DISASTA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"TELLING YOU, IT'S THIS, BUT IT'S ALSO THAT.
AND YOU DO-- AND THIS, THIS, THIS."
OF ARGUABLY, THE BIGGEST LOSER LAST
NIGHT WAS FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND MISCHIEVOUS GNOME WHO
JUST STUMPED YOU WITH HIS RIDDLES THREE, MIKE BLOOMBERG.
BLOOMBERG DID PULL OFF A VICTORY IN ONE PLACE: AMERICAN SAMOA.
( LAUGHTER )
AMERICAN SAMOA, SO GOES...
EASTER ISLAND?
I DON'T KNOW-- I THINK THE HEADS ARE SUPER DELEGATES.
THINGS WEREN'T LOOKING GREAT FOR MIKE GOING INTO SUPER TUESDAY.
YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, THIS VIDEO WENT VIRAL OF BLOOMBERG AT A
CAMPAIGN STOP.
LICKING HIS FINGERS, REACHING INTO A PIZZA BOX, TEARING OFF A
PIECE, PUTTING THE REST BACK, AND LICKING EVERY FINGER
INDIVIDUALLY, AND THEN TOUCHING A COFFEE SPOUT.
NOW, THAT MAY SEEM GROSS, BUT HE WAS JUST GIVING HIS FINGERS A
LITTLE STOP AND FRISK.
"HOLD UP THERE, LITTLE BUDDY!
TOLD ON!
LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A LITTLE SALT ON YA.
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, TASTY GREASE BOY?
UP AGAINST THE TONGUE WALL WITH YOU.
OH, YOU LOOK SUSPICIOUS.
I SUSPECT A LITTLE MARINARA'S IN YOUR POCKET."
THERETO YOU GO.
NOW-- NOW I HAVE TO PURELL AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
NOW, AFTER HIS ROUGH NIGHT, THIS MORNING, BLOOMBERG ANNOUNCED
THAT HE IS SUSPENDING HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.
AND THIS AFTERNOON, BLOOMBERG TOOK TO HIS FUN-SIZED PODIUM TO
BREAK THE NEWS TO HIS STAFF.
>> I ENTERED THE RACE FOR PRESIDENT TO DEFEAT DONALD
TRUMP, AND TODAY I AM LEAVING THE RACE FOR THE SAME REASON:
TO DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE STAYING IN WOULD MAKE IT MORE
DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE THAT GOAL.
>> Stephen: IT TAKES A BIG MAN TO STAND UP AND ADMIT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING I WILL EVER DO, I SHOULD REALLY STOP DOING.
BLOOMBERG IMMEDIATELY ENDORSED JOE BIDEN.
NO ONE KNOWS HOW BIG OF AN IMPACT THAT'S GOING TO HAVE,
BUT WE HAVE GOTTEN A HOLD OF JOE BIDEN'S LATEST AD, AND THERE
SEEMS TO BE SOME BLOOMBERG INFLUENCE.
AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
CHRIS HAYES IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MORE MONOLOGUE RIGHT HERE.
STICK AROUND!