- Texas!
How you all doin'?
(crowd cheering)
Cool!
I'm from here.
I lived in Houston for seven years.
(crowd cheering)
Eh!
(laughing) Eh!
It's nice, it's weird being from Houston, though,
cause whenever I go anywhere else,
people are always like, "Oh my god, Houston?
"I love Austin."
(laughing) It's not.
It's not what I said, it's not.
People love Austin.
Here's why people love Austin,
because it's a city that is trying to overcompensate
for the rest of the south.
That's all it is.
It's a leaf of kale and a trough full of bar-b-que sauce.
'Cause it's young and liberal
but it's still very southern.
So you get this weird crossover.
It's like Silicon Valley meets King of the Hill.
You know?
You meet people like
"Yeah, I own three shotguns and a rifle, in case
"the government ever tries to take away my Bitcoins."
Like that kind of...
He peels off in a Prius
with a rainbow confederate flag bumper sticker.
(laughing)
Is that guy wearing a Trump yarmulke?
That was...
A ya-MAGA?
(laughing)
Thank you.
Good luck to the subtitle guy with that one, huh?
Do you leave in the R?
I don't know.
(laughing)
It's good to be here.
I'm a comedian that,
I don't look like a comedian.
I look more like the boyfriend in a herpes commercial.
If anything.
(laughing)
A comedian, you want to see a sympathetic character.
You want to see someone who looks like
they've been through things.
I don't look like a person who has struggled.
I don't. (laughing)
If you saw me in gay porn,
your first thought would be
"Eh, I bet his dad got him that job.
"Yeah, looks like a legacy hire."
I get it.
It's always more exciting to hear the underdog succeed.
That's a better narrative, like Notorious B.I.G..
One of his most famous songs started with
"This is to every teacher
who said I would never amount to nothin'."
I would like to think maybe it was an English teacher
trying to show him why to avoid double-negatives
and that just, whoop, just went right over his fat head.
But I can't do that.
It would just sound very petty if I tried to do that.
Like, "This is to my college advisor, Ms. Little, who said
'Well, Duke is a long shot, but you should still apply!'"
(laughing)
I'm in a relationship.
I have a girlfriend.
Coincidentally, she looks like
the girlfriend in a herpes commercial.
(laughing)
What are the odds?
One in four, those are the odds.
(laughing)
This quadrant didn't laugh as much.
I think I know why.
We live together.
We live together in Brooklyn.
People complain about high rent in New York City.
I like it.
I think it's nice.
I think it's great because nothing makes you more
conflict averse as a couple than when both of you know
that neither of you could afford that place alone.
Like that solves most of our battles.
If she came home tonight and was like
"Matthew, I cheated on you,"
I'd be like "Hey, let's talk about it.
"You know, like, what's up?
"I'm here to listen.
"My only question is what is his name,
"and how soon can he move in?
"That's what I want to know."
I'm socially monogamous, but fiscally polyamorous.
(laughing) You know?
She's great.
She can do better.
She has like a good job; a great career.
She does sales for a tech company,
and I do comedy, so there's
tension in between the lifestyles.
You can imagine how frustrating it would be
knowing your partner is out until one A.M.
entertaining drunk assholes while you're at
a comedy show telling jokes to polite strangers.
You know, we butt heads.
And we do fight a little bit.
Not too hard or too often, but it's always the same.
All of our fights revolve around her wanting me
to understand things without having to say what they are.
And I think women do this too much.
And if you disagree with me, I want to remind you
that there is a song by the Spice Girls
where the entire time it's just someone asking a woman
what she wants and she never answers.
It's the whole song.
It's like "Tell me what you want.
"What do you really, really want?"
"I'll tell you what I want.
"What I really, really want."
Okay!
"So just tell me what you really, really want."
"I'll tell you what I really, really want.
"I want to...
"What I really, really, really want
"is zaga-zaga-zah!"
(laughing)
What the fuck does that mean?
Now you know how I feel.
(laughing)
We're doin' great.
We just hit a pretty big milestone in our relationship.
We just got an IUD, which is very exciting.
Thank you.
Any IUD's in the crowd?
(crowd cheering) A couple?
Not as many over here, no?
I'll come around with a metal detector.
We're going to find the hold-outs.
Find 'em all.
I didn't know what they were.
I didn't know what they were or how they worked or anything,
and I assume the women in the room are already familiar,
but I'm a man, so I'm going to explain it
with more confidence and less accuracy.
So what it is...
(laughing)
It's this little T-shaped rod wrapped in copper coils
and it goes up into the uterus.
I don't know how, exactly.
I think it's like one of those
ship-in-a-bottle type mysteries.
Like how'd they get that in there?
How does that fit in there?
We'll never know.
It's been nice because I'm 31, my girlfriend turns 29
on whatever her birthday is, and before she was on
the pill for many years.
That's not a great option.
You have to take it every day, and it alters your hormones.
It makes your body think that it's already pregnant
so even if an egg gets fertilized the uterus is just like
"Seats taken."
Right, it just keeps going.
But IUD, way simpler.
'Cause it just goes up there
and you just leave it there for it to...
Sorry, is that where it is?
No?
I know nothing, cool, awesome, yay.
I'm like a Georgia governor.
(laughing)
I don't know where it is, and I don't want to know.
That's between you and God.
No, goes up there, wherever 'there' is,
and then you can just leave it up there for like ten years
before it turns into a diamond.
And I was asking my girlfriend about it,
I was like, so what kind of chemicals does it release?
She goes, no no no, there's no chemicals.
Mine is just copper wire.
And I was like, well how did your gynecologist slash
electrician explain this steampunk cervix, right?
What is it?
Is it magic?
Is it a horcrux?
How does that work?
What's going on?
Are there side effects?
She goes, no, because it's non-hormonal.
I experience fewer, like all I had with mine
was for the few days after they put it in
there was like a rusty discharge and some mild discomfort,
and that was it.
And I was like that's crazy.
Rusty discharge is my porn name.
That's my porn name from that job my dad got me.
(laughing)
Here, to me, is my favorite part about copper IUDs.
This is something a doctor told me.
There's not a consensus in the medical community
as to why they work, they just know that they do.
Which is exciting to me 'cause it means I get to
throw out my own theories.
Like I'd like to think out there like a little
olympic gymnast holding the iron cross, just like...
I got this!
Just focus on your career!
(laughing)
(beeping jingle)