Sorry.
I'm really sick, I have like,
either a bronchitis or a pneumonia,
so I wanna tell you guys about this essential oil,
it's like 100 bucks, I recommend everyone buys it
'cause it legitimately just cures my cough,
it's really good.
You thought I was being serious.
There's no easy way to say this,
you have cooties. (laughing)
That's one doctor's advice I'd listen to carefully.
When you forget to bring a tendon hammer
to a neuro exam so you use the side
of your stethoscope to test reflexes.
Did I just lisp?
(lisping) Stethoscope, stethoscope.
(slowed down) Stethoscope.
And yes, I do this all the time.
The reflex hammer's missing in almost
all of my rooms so I use the side
or I just do the old casual with my two fingers
but, but, this is the most important trick
that I do and you young doctors watching this,
you should use this also.
I always cover, so that the patient
doesn't see when I'm actually doing the hit.
The reason being is, if they see you do it,
they will resist it and therefore you won't get a reflex,
but when you cover it, they don't see it,
they don't know what you're doing,
works 70%, 100% of the time.
When you see the med student getting ready
to do something stupid but you kinda
wanna see what happens. (laughing)
Stop!
Med school memes, you're becoming my favorite page
on Instagram for memes, this is really good.
(whispering) Stop.
I told them to to stop, they didn't hear me!
When your patient unexpectedly opens up
about something really deep and you're not
really sure what to say. (laughing)
Damn bro!
Welcome to the world of family medicine.
Every time I close the door with my patient
and I see the chief complaint,
I'm ready to call an audible.
Bad news Mr Smith, according to these tests
you have athlete's foot.
Foot starts thanking god and giving 110%. (laughing)
Athlete's foot sucks, I've gotten it before,
basically when you have a fungal infection
on the skin of your feet, ugh.
That's why you don't walk around barefoot
in public spas or saunas or showers.
Always wear sandals.
(whispering) Always, gross, there's fungus everywhere.
It'll, it'll bite you.
And then once it bites you, it's gonna go into your nails,
then your nails are gonna get gross.
And to treat it, ooh, it's a headache.
My patients when I counsel them
to stay on a low sodium diet during the holidays. (laughing)
Oh my God, this is the constant struggle.
The reason why doctors like myself
recommend the dash diet or the low sodium diet
to patients who have congestive heart failure
is because when you eat a lot of salt,
you retain a lot of fluids.
That puts a lot of strain on your heart,
especially the left side of your heart.
It can raise your blood pressure,
which puts even more strain on the left side of your heart,
which means that your legs are gonna get swollen,
fluids are gonna leak into your lungs
and you will have difficulty breathing
and then guess what, you're gonna end up in the hospital.
And then what really drives me up the wall
is watching patients get a pizza,
which is, I can't, my salt receptors
scream at me when I eat a pizza
'cause it has so much salt on it
between the pepperoni and the cheese.
(shaking water bottle)
They put more salt on it!
What is happening?
Our usual colonoscopy equipment is down today,
so we're gonna be using a tapeworm
with a GoPro strapped to it's head.
Oh, that's actually really funny.
There's something called a capsule endoscopy,
which is where you swallow a pill,
it's not a small-sized pill
because it has a little camera in it,
but you actually swallow it
and it takes video and pictures along the way
down your entire digestive route.
You've heard of elf on a shelf,
now get ready for...
A tractor?
Elf on a shelf, a tractor?
A flagella?
Is that a microbe?
I don't know what it is.
Oh, heliobacter on a tractor!
Yo, I got that heliobacter on the tractor,
I'm gonna change it and give you that intrinsic factor.
Oh!
♪ I got that heliobacter sitting on the tractor ♪
♪ I hear everyone hit me with the laughter ♪
♪ Its all right cause I got that intrinsic factor ♪
♪ Living in my stomach ♪
♪ It can hear my mom lick ♪
- What do you think went wrong, what do you think happened?
- Sore knee huh, have you tried icing it?
(laughing) He kneads some loving.
They call it helicase
because I'm always unzipping their genes.
Oh they call me helicase.
Helicase is the enzyme that breaks up
the double-stranded DNA and makes it single-stranded
so that it can be copied.
But in this case, the bunny is like a playa
and he's like "yo, I'm unzipping their jeans".
Like the pants.
Sorry.
Packing for my call shift like (laughing).
Where do you get a bag that big?
That would just be room for my snacks.
If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna
change my name to mitochondria.
I wanted everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.
This mitochondria powerhouse of the cell thing
is gonna haunt me til the day I die.
Roses are red, it's hot like hell, mitochondria?
(people jeering)
When you sleep and you hear a noise downstairs
but you remember you don't gotta pay
80K in student loans if you dead. (laughing)
The only thing inaccurate about this meme,
that 80K should have a little two before it.
280K.
Otherwise, fire me.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump.
That's called kyphosis.
As we get older, we become kyphotic.
Our spine starts starting to
bend forward.
Mainly because of gravity.
Here at UpToDate, we're vigorously competing
with Google to make your doctor
look smarter than they really are.
So for those of you who don't know,
UpToDate is basically the scalpel
of internal medicine and family medicine physicians.
It's like the all-knowing resource
of the most up to date information
on how do certain illnesses present,
what questions to ask in a physical exam,
what tests to order, imaging, blood tests,
what treatments are most likely to be effective,
first line, second line and it's a really great resource.
Sometimes you forget, sometimes you wanna double-check
and that's good, that means that
you're actively refreshing your information bank.
A 67-year-old woman named Dorothy Fletcher
once had a heart attack on a plane.
When the stewardess asked if there was
a doctor on board, 15 people stood up.
They were on their way to a cardiology conference.
The woman survived.
I have some experience about
medical emergencies on flights from...
A couple of weeks ago.
And a little good news about that,
Senator Chuck Schumer and I, senate minority leader,
actually have gotten the airlines
to take notice of this story.
He wrote a letter along with Senator Duckworth
to the FAA to stop letting airlines
get away with not putting Epi-pens on planes.
We're making it happen, good job
Senator Schumer and Duckworth.
When your patient gives you their birthdate
instead of their age. (laughing)
What year is it now, what year were they born?
Like if they say 1953, you're like, all right,
so that's 47 years to 2000 plus it's 19 years now,
so you have 43 plus 19, that's like 62
and then you're like, wait, did their birthday
pass or not, it's too much math!
Checking to see if your read is ready
and the radiologists just look at you like.
Ah, the light, it burns!
So there's always a little room
and I always say little, but it's not
that little, feels little 'cause it's dark in there.
Within each hospital, where, if you're on call
and you need a stat read, meaning that
you need an interpretation of an X-ray,
CAT scan, ultrasound, what have you
and you need it done quickly,
you go to the room and the radiologists
are all sitting there in the dark
and they're like (gasping).
When the ED tells plastics that they can handle the repair.
(laughing) Oh, that's really funny.
Whenever...
A laceration comes into the ER.
ER has a couple options.
One, they could not do anything, which is not ideal.
The next option is they can close
the laceration themselves with sutures,
or if it's in a really sensitive spot,
like if scarring is important,
if skin tension's important,
if there's possible damage to tendons or something,
they can call a subspecialist,
plastic surgeon, hand surgeon, so on and so forth.
What happened to Barbie?
My grandma, she walks around like this,
and I'm like "Westside, Grandma?"
and she's like no, rheumatoid.
Oh, that's so messed up.
Rheumatoid arthritis really does mess up the joints.
But it's symmetrical, both joints.
The look that the nurse and scrub tech give you
when you forget to introduce yourself in the OR.
Oh, I like the little goat.
Is that a goat?
Yes, the first thing you should do
as a med student or anyone observing
in the OR is introduce yourself to everybody
so that they know who you are,
'cause you're an outsider, you don't belong there,
so they need to know who you are
and what your place of business there is.
So they're gonna give you a little side-eye.
My prince charming coming to rescue me
from the psych ward tower (laughing).
That's funny.
Those aren't just for the psych ward,
that's for fall risk patients.
Gives them extra grip and stability on the floor.
If you ever wondered why you get those type of socks.
You don't slip on those,
that's non-slip, slick, slip padding.
When med students try and help out their residents.
(laughing)
But then the resident, why would you
take it through the fence?
Memes is a great way to relax,
but you know what's even better,
you having a laugh at how horrible my drawings are.
Check out my medical pictionary game right here,
and as always, stay happy and healthy.
(smooth music)