- "Maybe you are psychic."
[laughter]
And I go, "I knew you were gonna say that."
And she goes, "Really?"
And I go, "No, I'm joking."
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You're brilliant."
[dark electronic music]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
♪ ♪
Some say it only lasts 15 minutes.
Some people are gonna tell you it's a mythical creature
that lives at the bottom of a rainbow.
And some'll tell you not to overdo it.
[cheers and applause]
[roars in slow motion]
But if you ask me,
I say...
enjoy it while it lasts.
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- You know this next person
from his TV Land show "Nobodies."
Michael McDonald, everyone!
[cheers and applause]
- They say that you should never meet your heroes,
because you will only be disappointed.
Um...I got an "amen" from the church back there.
[laughter]
I say go ahead and meet your heroes,
and perhaps they will disappoint you.
And if they do,
turn it into material
in a stand-up comedy show,
which is what I'm going to do tonight.
[cheers and applause]
So it was at the very beginning of my career.
I was flat broke.
I was performing all around town at, you know,
stand-up clubs, improv shows.
Like, I mean, I would have performed here.
But I was just desperate to get anything going.
I was doing a little improv show at the Groundlings...
- Yes. - And...
- Yep, amen, church, and...
I was doing an improv show at the Groundlings.
It went very well, and when I stepped offstage,
the stage manager was literally, like, vibrating,
she was so excited.
She was like, "Oh, my God, oh, my God,
Michael, come here, come here."
I was like, "What is it?" and she goes,
"Faye Dunaway was in the audience.
"Faye Dunaway saw your performance.
And Faye Dunaway wanted me to give you this."
And her hands were just shaking,
and I took a movie script from her hands.
And on it, it said, "MICHAEL, YOU ARE BRILLIANT."
All caps.
"CALL ME IMMEDIATELY. FAYE DUNAWAY."
I was like, oh, my God!
And you guys all know Faye Dunaway, right?
She's in Oscar winner, legend.
I was so excited that, like, I couldn't wait to call her.
And I flew to the Valley to my phone,
'cause we didn't have cell phones,
and I called her up.
And the way she answered the phone was very formal.
She said, "Hello, this is Faye Dunaway."
[laughter]
And it was just like she was in her movies.
You know, like, everything was serious and dire.
And I was intimidated but excited, and I said,
"Ms. Dunaway, I'm Michael McDonald.
You said to call me."
"Oh, Michael, oh, my goodness!
"I saw you tonight at your improv show.
"You are brilliant. You are brilliant.
"Ha-ha-ha!
"I don't know how you do that improv,
how you make it all up on the fly."
And I was like, "Well, actually,
"I mean, thank you very much, but it's--
it's actually easier than it looks."
And she goes, "Oh, Michael, no.
"Nothing is easy in Hollywood, especially as you get older.
Someday you'll find out."
[laughter]
I was like, "Well, what can I do for you, Faye?"
She goes, "I have an audition for a big Hollywood film.
"It's a comedy at Universal starring Bette.
"No last names needed.
All right, Midler."
[laughter]
The character they want me to audition for
"is a boozy Christine Baranski part.
Boozy. Wild!"
And I go, "Well, that sounds very funny."
She goes, "That's the problem, Michael,
"the comedy is scaring the hell out of me!
Comedy is terrorizing me my whole career!"
I was like, "Well, what can I do?"
She goes, "I need you to be my comedy coach."
I said, "Um, done.
I charge $25 an hour. I can meet you tomorrow."
"Hold on a minute.
"Let's not get the cart before the horse.
"I want you to call me tomorrow.
I wake up at 6:00. What time do you get up?"
I'm like, "Well, it's midnight, Faye,
"and I have to read the script,
and then, you know, so could we make it 8:00?"
"I'll allow it!"
Click. [imitates dial tone]
And she just hangs up the phone.
And now I'm thinking, like, I mean,
I'm so excited, but also, like, "What happened?
What do I--what did I just agree to?"
There's--there's an 8:00 time, but I don't know--
is it a phone call?
Do I meet her?
What--I don't have time.
I've got to just read the script.
So I--excited.
I do all my homework.
I do my diligence.
And at 8:00, I now think, like,
"If she calls me, do I--
"do I just hop in the car like Batman?
Like, what happens?"
So I put my car keys by my landline,
and I've got the script with all my notes,
and I'm dressed up just to look professional,
and the phone rings at 8:00 on the dot.
So I just, you know, do a little bit, and I go,
"Hello, Faye, how are you?"
And she goes, "How did you know it was me?"
[laughter]
And I go, "Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm psychic."
And she goes..."Really?"
[laughter]
And I go, "No, I'm sorry, I was just joking."
And she goes, "Oh, Michael, you're brilliant!
"You're brilliant!
What a high-wire act you have!"
So...
[laughter]
So I say, "Well, you know, Faye, what--
"you know, what should we do?
"I can come to you.
"You can--we can do a thing at the Groundlings,
"whatever you would like.
How would you like to do this?"
She goes, "I'm ensconced right now, Michael,
"just ensconced.
Can we just do one scene over the phone?"
And then I realize, like, oh, of course.
I know what she's doing.
You know, she doesn't know if I'm any good.
She doesn't know what my take would be, and I--like,
her credits: she's from "Chinatown"
and "Bonnie and Clyde" and "Network."
She has an Oscar.
And at that point, my biggest credit was "Leprechaun 2."
[laughter]
So she wants a little bit of a taste,
so I'm, like, I get it.
So she says, "I tell you what.
You read my part, and I'll read all the others."
And I'm like, "What?" Like, she...
you--you want me to play your part at you?
Like, give you line readings and...what--
what the fuck is happening?
But it's, you know, Faye Dunaway,
and, you know, sure,
so, like, I start doing her part to her,
and she doesn't even let me get a couple lines out
before, "Oh, Michael, ha-ha-ha-ha!
"Oh, Michael, you're brilliant!
"Just let me write that down.
'Deadpan.'"
[laughter]
"Let's do another scene."
And, like, I'm so happy to be pleasing Oscar winner,
legend, Faye Dunaway, that, like, we just go
through each scene.
We do another one, and she's laughing the whole time
at everything.
"You go up at the end of that sentence.
Let me jot that down."
Like, it's just this maniacal thing,
but because she's--I'm, like, drunk on her compliments.
So at a certain point,
I look at the clock, and it says 10:00.
We've been on the phone for two hours.
She has an audition at Universal at noon,
so I'm like, "Faye, hold on a second,
"like, I need to get over to you
"so that we can really work this out
and so you can get to Universal."
And she's like, "Michael, I don't know.
Let me check my schedule."
[imitates dial tone]
She just hangs up.
So I'm like, "What the f..."
Now I realize, like, the conversation's over
when you hear the dial tone.
So I, like, I'm kind of staring by the phone,
like, is it over? What happened?
And about a half an hour later, I get another phone call.
"Hello, this is Faye Dunaway."
I'm like, "Yes, I know, Faye."
"I was thinking about wardrobe."
I'm like, "What?"
And she's like, "I was thinking,
"I have a black Armani skirt.
"It's 9 inches above the knee,
"which is not appropriate for the character.
"So I'm going to go to Armani I Beverly Hills,
"and I'm going to have them alter it for me.
They know me. They'll do it."
And I'm like, "Faye, you're"--
like, I'm realizing a couple things.
One, Faye's got a touch of the bat shits.
[laughter]
And two, like, I don't care.
I'm undeterred. I want to help.
I'm still a fan.
I love crazy.
I want her to get this part.
So I realize she needs a little tough love.
So I go, "Faye, you don't have time to drive to fucking
"Beverly Hills for a fitting with Armani
"and then drive all the way to Universal in the Valley.
You're never gonna make it. You can't do it."
"What are your suggestions?"
"Well, Faye, why don't you just wear that black mini skirt,
"and if it's too tight and too short for you,
throw on some black leotards, and you'll be fine."
She goes, "Perfect."
Click. [imitates dial tone]
And I'm like...
so I just--now I know just to wait by the phone,
and a couple minutes later, phone rings.
I just go, "Yes, Faye, what is it?"
"Maybe you are psychic."
[laughter]
And I go, "I knew you were gonna say that."
And she goes, "Really?"
And I go, "No, I'm joking."
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You're brilliant."
[laughter]
"I was thinking about my hair.
"I just want to put it up in a bun,
because time is ticking."
And I said, "Well, Faye, that's fine.
"Go ahead. Put your hair in a bun.
Feel comfortable."
"But since you're playing an alcoholic,
"why don't you pull a couple of strands of hair just loose
"so that it gives you-- it reminds you
"of the mayhem that's going on
inside your character's heart and soul?"
"Perfect." [imitates dial tone]
Hangs up.
So now at this point, it's, like, 11:30.
And I'd been working on this thing since midnight,
and I'm realizing I'm never gonna--
I'm not gonna meet with her. and I'm not gonna get paid,
like, I'm basically working for free,
and I needed the money so bad that again, remember,
this was calling me.
[laughter]
And I start to get mad at her,
but then I think, you know, I don't know,
maybe the payment is not in the form of money.
Maybe it's in the form of this story.
And maybe someday, 20 years from now,
I can tell this story in a strip club....
[laughter]
[applause]
For slightly less than the $25 an hour
I would have got than...
[laughter]
Anyway, the phone rings again. It's right before noon.
And I can tell by the-- "This is Faye Dunaway."
I'm like, "Faye, no need. I got it."
And I can tell by the sound, she is in her car.
She's on speakerphone.
All of her windows are down.
And I can hear traffic.
And she's like, "I am right outside of Universal Studios.
"I want you to go over the lines with me one more time.
Do the lines, Michael."
So I'm like, "All right," and what you have to remember now,
it's noon on a Friday lunch hour rush.
And Faye Dunaway is driving a car,
talking on speakerphone, and holding a script,
and reading four different parts
with me on speaker.
So, "Do the lines!" And I do a couple of lines.
"Oh, my, ha-ha-ha, that's..."
Suddenly I hear a tire screech, a horn go off...
[imitates horn honking]
And then you hear her go, "I am on the right side of the road.
"You're on the wrong side of the road, sir.
Michael, do the lines."
And I'm, like--like, the tension's starting to
really pick up, and so I'm doing the lines.
And it's time for her to now do her line,
and she goes, "I'm Faye Dunaway."
And I was like, "Is this it? Did she have her break?"
Like, is it a psychotic break
where she's just starting at the beginning of her existence?
Like, so I wanted to help her, and I was like,
"Yes, yes, Faye, you are Faye Dunaway, yes."
And then I realize she's not talking to me.
She's talking to the guy at the guard gate.
He's like, "Yes, Ms. Dunaway, we were expecting you.
"All you have to do is make a left-hand turn,
"follow the blue line along the river,
and it will take you to a Cape Cod-style bungalow."
She says, "Thank you."
We start to turn, she goes, "Michael, do the lines!"
I start doing the lines, she's, "Oh, my goodness.
"Michael, you should get this part instead of me.
"You're absolutely wonderful.
God damn it!"
And I go, "What--what's wrong?"
And she goes, "I am behind a Universal Studios tour tram."
[laughter]
And she's honking on her horn, and she's,
"I'm going around.
"I'm going--I'm going to go around.
Michael, do the lines."
[laughter]
And I can just imagine, like, the luckiest tour group
in the world with their cameras,
and they see Faye Dunaway, like,
blasting past them with the-- flipping the bird
"doing the lines."
[laughter]
We get--we get through that, and I'm finishing up,
and I forgot to mention that she gave me originally
one script that was different.
There were different versions.
Hers and mine were different, and mine had a scene
that ended earlier than hers.
So I finish my last line, and she goes,
"And?"
I go, "Well, that's the end of the scene."
"There's more."
I go, "No, Faye, remember,
"you have a longer scene than I do,
"but mine was shorter, and it's the later draft,
so you don't need to know any of that."
"Well, that was for subtext!
"It helps for subtext!
"I cannot believe you did not write down
"all of these things and make notes!
"I thought you were a professional, Michael!
I cannot believe I trusted you and you've let me down!"
She just starts making noises of rage.
It's tears. It's rage.
It's--there's animal sounds.
Like, I'm--I'm terrified.
Like, I--I'm totally safe.
I'm in my apartment in the Valley.
I could just hang up, but I was, like--
it was like a horror movie; I was just frozen, like,
"What do I...what do I... what do I do?
I'm so...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I barely could get anything out.
And then she goes, "Quiet.
I found the bungalow."
And I'm like--was expecting the little...
[imitates dial tone]
But I didn't. She's keeping me.
And I'm not sure why.
And so--especially after I disappointed her so.
So she opens the car door,
and you hear the pling-pling, pling-pling,
like your "car door open" and your keys are still there
kind of thing.
And I hear a man's voice...
[mumbling indistinctly]
And then I hear her go, "I know it's not my parking space,
but I won't be long."
And the guy just goes, "Oh, okay," like...
[laughter]
And so then I can hear Faye.
She's just breathing. I'm still there.
I don't know what to do.
She sits back down in her car.
And she's just breathing, and she goes,
"Michael, are you there?"
I said, "Yes, I'm here, Faye.
What--what can I do for you?"
And she goes, "I'm just so frustrated.
"I've been let down so many times,
"and I'm so frustrated, and now I cannot do the comedy.
I cannot do the comedy, and I don't know what to do."
And I, it was at that point, I, like, I got her.
Like, auditions are horrifying.
They're embarrassing.
They're nerve-racking.
You're putting yourself on the line.
And, I mean, that's--for me, is, like,
as a shitty little actor in an improv troupe.
This is Faye Dunaway, Oscar winner,
having to audition for a part.
Of course she's frustrated.
So I just--I decided I'd get into her head
and help her out, and I said,
"Faye, I know you're frustrated.
"You have every right to be frustrated.
"And what is an alcoholic
"but a frustrated person?
"I want you to use all of your frustration,
"and I want you to go in there
and turn that into your character."
And she goes, "Brilliant."
And I thought I was gonna... [imitates dial tone]
But I still didn't get it. She was still there.
And I could hear her undoing makeup and, you know, like,
clicking and unclicking lipstick
and all kinds of things, and I just imagined her
looking at herself in that little rearview mirror,
and she goes, "Michael, before I go in,
do you have any last words of advice?"
And I go, "Yeah, I do, actually.
"I want you to remember, when you walk into that room,
that you are fucking Faye Dunaway."
- Yeah. - And...
[cheers and applause]
And her response was, "Thank you."
[imitates dial tone]
Thank you all very much.
[dark electronic music]
- Michael McDonald!
Whoo.