“I’m just really digging being single right now.”
Are we finally moving into a new age where the single lady is aspirational?
Being single has always carried a greater shame for women than for men,
but the single lady onscreen today is defined by a newfound freedom
and excitement.
So what are the modern version of this trope’s characteristics?
She’s promiscuous – and proud of it. The single lady isn’t necessarily
anti-monogamy, eventually.
“I’m only 27. What am I? A child bride? You know, I don’t know that
I’ll never want it, I just don’t want it right now.”
But for now, she’s enjoying her dating life,
and she doesn’t have to face the same level of judgment about that
as in previous eras.
Being single is her choice – not some desperate last resort,
but an embrace of possibilities
“Are any of you in relationships?” “Oh, no thank you, I didn’t come
to college to be tethered to someone I dated in high school.”
At the same time, it’s not always a choice
that’s respected, or understood.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” “I don’t get it,
having a boyfriend is the best thing.”
Not everyone truly gets the single lady, because what she wants is different
from what a lot of society tells us we should want.
And still, in most examples, she’s only temporarily single.
While there are more characters who are single for long stretches
of the screentime we spend with them, they often end up settling down.
It’s rarer to find stories of women who stay single as they get older,
and are happy about it.
“I’m moving in with my girlfriend Debra, she’s amazing!”
“Really?”
“Oh my god no, I’m messing with you. I don’t want to settle down.”
While she may still have her challenges, the single lady has come a long way
from being shunned, to being celebrated.
Here’s our take on today’s updated single lady trope,
and how it shows there’s more than one way to lead
a happy and fulfilling life.
“I would say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good.
So I simply did myself.”
First, let’s talk about what today’s positive depictions of singledom
are moving away from: the dreaded spinster archetype.
“Do you know what I touch here?” “Your heart.”
“Broken!”
This archaic term was originally used for women who spun wool
going all the way back to the 1300s, but it became associated with
women who were poor, single, and unlikely to ever marry
“I do not need a blind date, particularly not with some
verbally incontinent spinster who smoke like a chimney,
drinks like a fish, and dresses like her mother.”
Our archetypal spinsters are characters like Great Expectations’
Miss Havisham, or Emma’s Miss Bates,
older women who are resigned to a life of loneliness,
who might have become bitter, detached from reality,
or leaned into their annoying habits, and who we’re (at best) invited to pity.
So this archetype created a cultural fear of spinsterdom
which carried throughout the 20th century
“I shall be sure to say three dull things as soon as
I open my mouth.”
“Ah ma’am but there is the difficulty, when have you ever stopped at three?”
And it gave rise to the unlucky in love single lady.
Her singledom doesn’t feel like a considered, independent choice –
it’s born out of sadness and frustration.
The perennially single Bridget Jones fears spinsterdom most of all,
equating not settling down with a husband with a life
that’s not even worth living.
“I have two choices: to give up and accept permanent state
of spinsterhood and eventual eating by alsatians. Or not.”
But while Bridget and others like Carrie of Sex and the City do eventually
end up with their dream men, along the way these characters (and we)
come to appreciate just how great they are on their own,
and how that men really shouldn’t be the answer to their gaining confidence
and feeling complete.
“Relationships fall apart. The best we can do
is breathe and reboot.”
Ally McBeal is another character from the late 90s and 2000s era
who’s professionally accomplished but feels unlucky in love.
She’s not only tortured by working closely with her
one who got away; she’s explicitly haunted by visions
of a dancing baby and the loud ticking of her biological clock.
Still, her ending isn’t getting a man, but finding out she has a daughter
from having donated her eggs ten years ago.
And the satisfaction she always looked for in relationships,
she ends up finding in her child.
Meanwhile, countering social expectations,
there were earlier examples of single ladies who seemed anything
but miserable.
In the 70s, Mary Richards of the Mary Tyler Moore Show
was perfectly happy in her career-driven life
as an unmarried 30-something, dating men without striving
to snag a husband – and staying single throughout the show
(at least until the 2000 TV movie revealed she’d been married).
“I mean sure, true, I’m not what you’d call a wild woman,
but I’m hardly innocent. I’ve been around.”
Iconic single lady Roz in Frasier, starting in 1993, also seemed
pretty happy with her life.
While Roz occasionally voices common fears about ending up alone,
she ultimately finds contentment in being a single mother.
And what made Roz especially trailblazing is how she openly enjoys
the sexual freedom and excitement of dating life –
having a lot of casual sex and being vocal about the men
she finds attractive
“Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?”
“Oh please I’m already looking for my stockings and trying to
remember where I parked the car”
The other characters tease her about her sex life, but Roz is
never ashamed of it
“How can I help you?”
“What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?”
“I get dressed and go home.”
Half a decade later, another breakthrough single lady character
came in Sex and the City’s Samantha, who strongly prefers singledom
and fears monogamy.
“I saw the ring and I threw up. That’s not normal.”
“That’s my reaction to marriage.”
So over time through these characters, singledom increasingly becomes cast
as thrilling, fun, and full of opportunities –
a defiant show of independence.
“I still think sex is better when it’s with someone you love
and it’s an expression of commitment - ow!”
“That is so boring!
I’m with you Whitney, sex is better with strangers.”
Maybe the most crucial thing about the free and single lady
is how sex-positive she is. She’s not just staying at home;
she’s getting out there, meeting different people,
nd having a good time
“Have you ever gone on a date with someone whose name you don’t know?”
“I’ve woken up with dates whose names I didn’t know.”
Samatha Jones’ singledom gives voice to female desire.
Through sleeping with a variety of people,
she has the opportunity to find out more about herself,
and have experiences that the other girls aren’t as open to
“Yes ladies, I’m a lesbian.”
While other characters like the idea of falling in love and settling down,
Samantha prioritizes pleasure above all else.
“Marriage doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. Just an ending.”
Like Samantha, Roz from Frasier has to deal with the reality that
not everyone around her understands or respects her singledom.
“Roz is a failure at love, Roz can’t find a man.”
“They don’t really say that do they?”
“Oh, you haven’t met my perfect sister Denice.”
But others’ disapproval isn’t enough to make her commit to the wrong guy;
she likes men, likes having sex and isn’t necessarily focused
on settling down unless the right person comes along.
“Roz, why is it every time I attempt to have a serious discussion
we always end up talking about your sex life?”
“Because I have one”
These characters normalized female desire in the culture,
and they helped make space for characters in our era who enjoy sex
without that having to be their defining trait.
For Bela in The Sex Lives of College Girls,
sex is one of the things she’s most excited about
entering into this new environment
“I’m super sex positive, in theory more than in experience,
and I am ready to smash some Ds.”
But her story arc is most focused on how funny she is and how she aspires
to become a comedy writer.
Chewing Gum centers around the exploits of Tracey, who’s determined
to have sexual adventures, but as an inexperienced,
religious virgin, she hardly fits any of our preconceptions of
who the promiscous single lady is.
“Forget you’re a virgin and channel your slut…
Do you want to suck his dick or smile at it?
“Neither”
In Broad City, Abbi and Ilana are both promiscuous, single ladies,
but the beauty of that show is how it focuses on their relationship,
rather than their respective quests for relationships.
They find solace, value, and companionship in each other,
and so maybe don’t see the need to get this from the men in their life?
“Dude I would follow you into hell, brother!”
While these are young singletons, we’re also seeing more stories
about women experiencing the dating scene in other life phases –
whether because they’ve gotten divorced, widowed, or never married
“As for love, well, anything’s possible.”
Grace and Frankie – about two women whose husbands leave them after
falling in love with each other– explores being single later in life,
showing how things like female desire and feeling sexy
don’t have a shelf life,
and how being single can unlock these feelings
“If anyone’s gonna sit on Ryan Gosling’s face it’s gonna be me.”
These stories recognize there are still challenges that come with being single:
moments of loneliness, and criticism from outside –
but most of the time, these characters find comfort
from within, instead of validation from without.
“A big part of me really wanted to have kids, but I guess
an even bigger part of me wanted something different.”
Many of our film and TV stories deliver romantic union as a happy ending.
And there’s often a feeling that successful relationships are rewards
given to characters who’ve done their time as single ladies.
In Insecure, Issa and Lawrence break up in the first season,
but their personal journeys of self discovery eventually
lead them back to each other when the timing is right.
“Tonight made me happy. You make me happy.”
Meanwhile, Issa’s best friend Molly has spent years as a modern
“unlucky in love” type, who really doesn’t want to be single
but can’t find the right guy.
Molly’s arc requires her to stop trying to control her love life
and to get more comfortable with her single self –
but after she does that, she gets to find a great guy
who appreciates how wonderful she is.
“If you’re free tomorrow, maybe we can hang out.”
“Well, you bring the passion, I’ll bring the thug.”
Peggy in Mad Men too is perennially single
for the majority of the show, her romantic partners being more casual
while she flourishes in her career. But by the end,
she and Stan get together, almost like her romantic success is put
on the same level as her personal success
“I love you Peggy.” “Oh my God,”
Many of these characters still bring positive associations to singledom
because most of the screentime we actually spend with them is
when they’re not coupled up. But it’s also important to see examples
of characters who stay single – to remind us that relationships aren’t
the be all and end all, and that fulfillment can
come from within.
Rebecca Bunch in Crazy Ex Girlfriend at first seems determined to live out
a rom-com fantasy, traveling across the country in pursuit
of her dream man. But as we get to know her,
the story becomes less about that and more about her mental health,
and so her staying single by the end feels like a necessary, honest
and important step in her journey toward recovery
“When I’m telling my own story, for the first time in my life
I’m actually happy.”
Spinster explicitly deals with our latent fear around
being single and older — in this case 39, so not even that old —
but the film challenges that fear, with its heroine Gaby deciding
not to pursue a relationship,
and to instead pursue her dream of opening a restaurant.
“Nobody’s single by choice.”
“Well, I am, and that’s actually got a lot of benefits to it.”
Even to this day, though, it still feels like there’s a pressure on creators
to push characters together to please audiences —
like how fans clamored for James and Erin to get together
in Derry Girls,
or Mike and Eleven in Stranger Things
“Mike, Eleven, ship it til the end you guys,
it’s happening.”
Sex and the City moved toward a place where it felt Carrie and Big had to
end up together for that rom-com happy ending.
Still, when it came time to reboot the series as And Just Like That,
the creative team killed Big off – and this felt driven by the fact that
watching Carrie as a single woman in her Manhattan playground
is a lot of the fun and excitement viewers enjoyed about the show all along
And sometimes, it is sad when people
who are good for each other don’t end up together, but that’s ok too.
“Forget about everything. Is this what you really want, Molly?”
When Alexis doesn’t end up with Ted in Schitt’s Creek, it hurts,
but it’s a mature decision taken by the both of them,
and we’re left with the feeling that the door isn’t fully closed
“Can’t say that we didn’t try.” “I love you Ted.”
“I love you too.”
Staying single needn’t be a tragedy, and it needn’t always be a defiant,
anti-monogamous statement.
But sometimes, it can just be the right thing to do.
For generations relationship narratives have been structured around the idea
of finding “the one” “I turned to a friend for comfort,
and instead, I found
everything I’ve ever been looking for my whole life.”
But perhaps that’s something that we as audiences need to unlearn too.
We don’t need stories to glorify singledom, but we can learn from stories
that show the importance of paying attention to what you need –
and how that’s the real path to happiness and fulfillment,
not simply avoiding the “misery” of being alone.
“Romantic love is not an ending. It’s just a part of your story.”