WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND YOU CAN FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.
EVERYBODY IS SO EXCITED ABOUT DAY FIVE OF THE LIVE IMPEACHMENT
HEARINGS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
THE WITNESSES HAVE BEEN COMPELLING, THEY'VE CORROBORATED
WHAT THE WHISTLEBLOWER SAID, BUT THE PEOPLE ON THE TV SAY THIS
WHOLE THING HAS ONE PROBLEM -- >> THE ISSUE KEEPS ON BEING KIND
OF COMPLICATED FOR PEOPLE TO FOLLOW.
>> HAS THIS GOTTEN TOO CONFUSING FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?
>> THERE ARE TOO MANY NAMES, AND TOO MANY OF YOU TELL ME YOU'RE
TOO CONFUSED.
>> I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES IT'S NOT EASY TO FOLLOW ALL OF THESE
NAMES IN THIS PARTICULAR SAGA.
>> STEPHEN: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY CLAIMING THAT IT'S NOT EASY FOR
AMERICANS TO FOLLOW SAGAS WITH A LOT OF CHARACTERS?
HAVE YOU HEARD OF "GAME OF THRONES?"
FOR PETE'S SAKE!
IT WAS PRETTY POPULAR!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THESE HEARINGS ARE A LOT
LIKE "GAME OF THRONES:" THE G.O.P. IS FULL OF WHITE WALKERS.
LINDSEY GRAHAM HAS CLEARLY HAD HIS BALLS CUT OFF, AND AT LEAST
ONE CHARACTER HAS INDICATED HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH A FAMILY
MEMBER.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
WHAT?
>> Stephen: I'M NOT NAMING NAMES.
>> Jon: WHAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT JOKE WAS
BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHY FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY,
WE'RE RECHRISTENING OUR COVERAGE OF THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS:
"GAME OF PHONES!
A SONG OF LIES AND LIARS."
(BIRD CAW) >> STEPHEN: NOW, DESPITE WHAT
THE BRAIN TRUST THERE CLAIM, THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE STORY.
TRUMP RELEASED THE TRANSCRIPT OF HIS "PERFECT PHONE CALL" BACK IN
SEPTEMBER, IN WHICH THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE SAID HE
WANTS MORE MILITARY AID, THEN TRUMP IMMEDIATELY REPLIED, "I
WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH," AND THEN ASKED ZELENSKY
TO INVESTIGATE CLINTON'S SERVER AND JOE BIDEN.
NOT ROCKET SURGERY.
BUT TO HELP EVERYONE REMEMBER, WE'VE WRITTEN THIS CATCHY
JINGLE.
♪ THERE'S JUST ONE THING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
♪ TRUMP SAID -- "DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH" ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: EVERYBODY!
♪ THERE'S JUST ONE THING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
♪ TRUMP SAID -- "DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH" ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: NICE JINGLE.
>> Stephen:.
♪ BY MEAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, TODAY'S
TESTIMONY WAS ALSO EASY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND HARD FOR TRUMP
TO SWALLOW.
FIRST UP, DIPLOMATIC AIDE AND 1960S SEARS ROEBUCK MANNEQUIN,
DAVID HOLMES.
HOLMES WAS STATIONED IN UKRAINE, AND LEADING UP TO THE SWEARING
IN OF THE NEW UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT, HE SAID THERE WAS A
SLIGHT PROBLEM -- >> AT ONE POINT, DURING A
PRELIMINARY MEETING OF THE INAUGURAL DELEGATION, SOMEONE
WONDERED WHY MR. GIULIANI WAS SO ACTIVE IN THE MEETING, WITH
RESPECT TO UKRAINE.
MY REACTION WAS THAT AMBASSADOR SONDLAND STATED, EVERY TIME RUDY
GETS INVOLVED, "HE GOES AND F'S EVERYTHING UP."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> Jon: UH-HUH.
( PIANO RIFF ) >> STEPHEN: WHICH, THIS BEING
CBS, I'M GOING TO SAY, MEANS RUDY "FUNS" EVERYTHING UP.
HE IS ONE DUMB MOTHER-FUNNER.
( LAUGHTER ) HOLMES IS BEST KNOWN FOR
OVERHEARING TRUMP'S PHONE CALL WITH GORDON SONDLAND IN A
UKRAINIAN RESTAURANT-- BUT TRUMP SAYS THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
"I HAVE BEEN WATCHING PEOPLE MAKING PHONE CALLS MY ENTIRE
LIFE.
MY HEARING IS, AND HAS BEEN, GREAT.
NEVER HAVE I BEEN WATCHING A PERSON MAKING A CALL, WHICH WAS
NOT ON SPEAKERPHONE, AND BEEN ABLE TO HEAR OR UNDERSTAND A
CONVERSATION."
REALLY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REALLY?
MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING PHONE CALLS.
TRY LISTENING TO THEM.
(AS TRUMP) "NO MATTER HOW WIDE I OPENED MY
EYES, I COULDN'T HEAR A THING.
I MIGHT NEED GLASSES."
( LAUGHTER ) THE OTHER WITNESS TODAY WAS
FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR AND ROLE THAT'S GOING TO FINALLY WIN
LAURIE METCALF AN OSCAR, FIONA HILL.
DR. HILL GREW UP IN ENGLAND AND CAME INTO THE HEARING WITH A
REPUTATION FOR NOT SUFFERING FOOLS LIGHTLY.
ONCE, WHEN SHE WAS 11, A BOY IN HER CLASS SET ONE OF HER
PIGTAILS ON FIRE WHILE SHE WAS TAKING A TEST.
SHE PUT THE FIRE OUT WITH HER HANDS, AND FINISHED THE TEST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S FIERCE!
>> Stephen: THAT IS TOUGH!
YOU DON'T MESS WITH THAT.
SHE IS A TERROR IN PIGTAILS.
FORGET PIPPI LONGSTOCKING, SHE'S PIPPI ASS-KICKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE FIRST BUTTS SHE BOOTED THIS
MORNING WERE REPUBLICANS WHO INSIST ON FLOATING BIZARRE
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT THE 2016 ELECTION.
>> BASED ON QUESTIONS AND STATEMENTS I HAVE HEARD, SOME OF
YOU ON THIS COMMITTEE APPEAR TO BELIEVE THAT RUSSIA AND ITS
SECURITY SERVICES DID NOT CONDUCT A CAMPAIGN AGAINST OUR
COUNTRY, AND THAT PERHAPS, SOMEHOW, FOR SOME REASON,
UKRAINE DID.
THIS IS A FICTIONAL NARRATIVE THAT HAS BEEN PERPETRATED AND
PROPAGATED BY THE RUSSIAN SECURITY SERVICES THEMSELVES.
THESE FICTIONS ARE HARMFUL, EVEN IF THEY ARE DEPLOYED FOR PURELY
DOMESTIC POLITICAL PURPOSES.
>> STEPHEN: (AS DUMB REPUBLICAN) "ARE YOU SURE?
BECAUSE THIS ARTICLE IN 'RUSSIA TODAY' SAYS THAT YOU'RE AN
ILLUMINATI LIZARD PERSON AND I'M VERY SMART."
HANDSOME MAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HILL HAD A STARK WARNING FOR
AMERICANS.
>> THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT'S GOAL IS TO WEAKEN OUR COUNTRY.
>> STEPHEN: SORRY, RUSSIA.
YOU ALREADY GOT BEAT TO THE PUNCH BY LEGAL WEED AND NETFLIX.
( LAUGHTER ) HILL CONFIRMED PREVIOUS REPORTS
THAT NOBODY LIKES RUDY GIULIANI.
>> AMBASSADOR BOLTON HAD LOOKED PAINED, BASICALLY INDICATED WITH
BODY LANGUAGE THAT THERE WAS NOTHING MUCH WE COULD DO ABOUT
IT, AND HE THEN, IN THE COURSE OF THAT DISCUSSION SAID THAT
RUDY GIULIANI WAS A HAND GRENADE THAT WAS GOING TO BLOW EVERYONE
UP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
HAND GRENADE.
RUDY SEEMS MORE LIKE A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL-- USED BY RUSSIANS AND
FULL OF ALCOHOL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THESE ARE QUALITY PEOPLE.
>> Jon: YES, GREAT.
>> Stephen: HILL EXPLAINED THAT SHE ATTENDED A MEETING WITH
AMBASSADOR BOLTON, RICK PERRY, AND AMBASSADOR SONDLAND
ON JULY 10, WHERE SONDLAND BROUGHT UP THE CONDITIONS FOR
ZELENSKY TO GET A MEETING WITH TRUMP.
AFTER THE MEETING, BOLTON WAS SO FREAKED OUT THAT HE TOLD HILL TO
GO IMMEDIATELY TO N.S.C. LAWYER JOHN EISENBERG.
>> "YOU TELL EISENBERG," AMBASSADOR BOLTON TOLD ME, "THAT
I AM NOT PART OF THIS WHATEVER DRUG DEAL THAT MULVANEY AND
SONDLAND ARE COOKING UP."
>> STEPHEN: YES, SONDLAND AND MULVANEY WERE COOKING UP A DRUG
DEAL.
IT'S ALL IN THE NEW DRAMA, "BREAKING BALD."
( LAUGHTER ) A PRESTIGE DRAMA.
( APPLAUSE ) THEN DR. HILL TOLD THE COMMITTEE
EXACTLY HOW SHE FELT ABOUT GORDON SONDLAND PROMOTING THE
PRESIDENT'S POLITICAL AGENDA IN UKRAINE.
>> IT STRUCK ME WHEN, YESTERDAY, WHEN YOU PUT UP ON THE SCREEN
AMBASSADOR SONDLAND'S EMAILS AND WHO WAS ON EMAILS, AND HE SAID
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT NEED TO KNOW, THAT HE WAS ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT.
BECAUSE HE WAS BEING INVOLVED IN A DOMESTIC POLITICAL ERRAND, AND
WE WERE BEING INVOLVED IN NATIONAL SECURITY FOREIGN
POLICY.
I SAID TO HIM, "AMBASSADOR SONDLAND, GORDON, I FEAR THIS IS
ALL GOING TO BLOW UP."
AND HERE WE ARE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS HILL) "AND NOW THAT IT HAS.
I'VE PREPARED A BRIEF STATEMENT.
'IN YOUR FACE, IN YOUR FACE, I WAS RIGHT, SO SUCK IT, YOU
-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- SO SUCK IT, YOU WITLESS WANKER'."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SORRY, HAD A
LITTLE FROG IN MY THROAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LIKE HER A LOT.
YESTERDAY, DURING THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, TRUMP
TRAVELED TO AUSTIN, TEXAS, WHERE HE TOURED AN APPLE MANUFACTURING
PLANT.
OH, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN CONFUSING FOR HIM.
(AS TRUMP) "AH, GUYS, THERE'S A NAME FOR AN
APPLE PLANT.
IT'S CALLED A TREE."
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE TOURING THE FACTORY, A
REPORTER ASKED TRUMP HOW HE FELT ABOUT GORDON SONDLAND'S
TESTIMONY: >> WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF
AMBASSADOR SONDLAND'S TESTIMONY THIS MORNING?
>> WELL, I THINK IT WAS FANTASTIC.
I THINK THEY HAVE TO END IT NOW.
HE SAID THERE WAS NO QUID PRO QUO.
>> Stephen: NO.
NO, HE DIDN'T.
SONDLAND SAID THIS -- >> WAS THERE A "QUID PRO QUO?"
THE ANSWER IS YES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HE SAID YES.
IT WAS CLEARLY YES.
YES.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND TRUMP'S CONFUSION.
THERE ARE AT LEAST 19 WOMEN WHO SAY HE CAN'T HEAR THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YES AND NO.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) AFTER HIS VISIT, TRUMP PROUDLY
TWEETED, "TODAY I OPENED A MAJOR APPLE MANUFACTURING PLANT IN
TEXAS."
WOW, THAT WOULD BE QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT, IF THAT PLANT
HADN'T BEEN OPERATING SINCE 2013.
>> Jon: OH, MAN.
>> Stephen: NO SURPRISE, THOUGH.
NO SURPRISE.
>> Jon: THAT'S 44.
THAT'S 44.
>> Stephen: IT'S RIGHT UP THERE --
IT'S RIGHT THERE IN TRUMP'S REELECTION SLOGAN, "PROMISES
MADE, PROMISES KEPT-- BY OBAMA, SIX YEARS AGO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, NEW ZEALAND WEEK CONTINUES.
WHEN PETER JACKSON AND I PREMIER MY NEW "LORD OF THE RINGS"
TRILOGY.
DON'T MISS THIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )