At the end of 2020,
I dislocated my ankle.
Yeah, 'cause the good Lord was like, "My child, fuck you."
I dislocated my ankle
because I fell all the way down my stairs
because I was too excited to leave my house.
And I had to go to Glendale Memorial Hospital.
If you are ever in the Greater Los Angeles area,
I say, don't go, okay?
No, I did not have a nice time.
No.
Honestly, it was very bad.
A nurse tried to steal my underwear.
We'll get into it. But first...
...my ambulance ride was $700 fucking dollars
with insurance!
And nobody even offered me water.
I was like, "This is the worst Uber I've ever been in."
My God. Also, the hospital
propped my leg up with a pillow
from my own living room.
People kept walking by being like, "Target?"
I was like, "No, Anthropology. I'm thriving."
-Whoo!
It also took seven men to get me out of my house.
And I was like, "I could be embarrassed
or I could get a gang bang!"
But I did not have a nice time
there was no gang bang to be had.
And at the hospital I said,
"Excuse me, can I have pain medication?
'Cause I am not thriving."
And the nurse said, "Oh, okay."
And he gives me the IV and he gives me
a little pump of something.
And I was like, "Yum, yum, yum. Yes, she's alive."
And I was like, "Actually, no, I still passed away.
What the fuck was that?"
And he said it was a placebo.
It was a saline injection.
And I said, "Sir, my ankle looks like a fucking U-turn.
You better give me some fucking shit."
And I don't know if you guys know this,
but Black and Brown people are prescribed opioids
at a lower rate than White people.
So White people have a higher addiction rate to heroin.
And I said to myself, "Huh?
Maybe sometimes racism's good?"
'Cause Black and Brown people have
kind of circumvented the opioid crisis.
Anyway, back to that nurse who tried to steal my underwear.
So I was lying in the hospital bed and I said,
"Excuse me, I have to pee."
And he said, "Oh no, you can't walk."
I said, "There's a ton of motherfuckers
in this hospital who can't walk,
how do they pee?"
And he said, "Let's get Jenny."
I was like, "Who the fuck is Jenny?"
Who is she? The Pee Whisperer?
What's happening?
So Jenny comes in, and this is truly
what she sounded like, she said,
"Oh no!
You gotta go pee-pee!"
I said, "Yes, Jenny,
I have to pee-pee."
And then she explains this machine to me.
She goes, "Okay, here is the canister
and then here is the hose.
And it sucks it up and you put this little part
right on your hoo-ha."
And I was like, "Hoo-ha?
Hoo-ha?
Use the medical term: 'pussy'.
What are we doing? Grow up."
So...
I put it on my "hoo-ha".
And Jenny says,
"Okay, go!"
So I start to pee
and it just puddles up right under me.
I looked at Jenny and I said,
"I don't think it works."
And then Jenny said,
"Oh no!
We got to clean you up!"
And then Jenny cleaned me up like I was a big fucking baby.
She was like,
♪ We gotta get the right cheek clean ♪
♪ And the left cheek clean ♪
♪ We gotta get in your crack I love your butt ♪
♪ Boop, boop! ♪
She didn't sing.
She hummed, which I think is creepier.
And when she was done, she said,
♪ We got to take your panties They're all wet ♪
I said, "Jenny, they're not wet. I pulled them down pretty far."
And she said, "I'm taking them!"
And I was like, "No, please don't!"
She said, "I am!" And I was like, "No!"
We played tug of war with my fucking underwear
until I was like, "Jenny, they're not fucking wet!"
And then Jenny said,
"Ha-ha!"
So then...
So then I'm still lying
in this fucking hospital bed.
I am there for so long.
I am there for a full eight hours.
I clocked in and out and...
I looked at the nurse again and I said,
"Excuse me,
I have to pee again."
And he said, "Let's get Jenny."
And I said, "Let's get Jenny."
So Jenny comes back and she says,
"Again?"
And I was like,
"Yeah, you fucking Teletubby, again."
So we go through the same thing, I put the thing on my hoo-ha.
The only difference is
the other nurse didn't leave the room.
And Jenny said,
"Okay, go!"
And before I could go the other nurse said,
"Wait, Jenny, you didn't turn on the machine."
Do you think Jenny
has the most specific kink of all time?
She went all the way to nursing school,
got a job in a hospital
and was like, "Fingies crossed.
I'll get to clean up a messy fat Black
and fill my pockets with panties."