[MUSIC]
I had just finished the first year of work at an investment firm,
and received my first performance review, it was bad.
Note, I am humbly telling you it was bad [INAUDIBLE] my reviewer actually admitted,
you get to inflate my scores a little bit so
it didn't look so horrible, that level of bad.
>> [LAUGH] >> My immediate reaction,
I am too stupid to make it in investing.
My next reaction, I have to punish myself for my failure.
I left the office and began sprinting through a still chilly Boston night,
I hate running.
I don't ever run for exercise.
>> [LAUGH] >> But every time I felt I need to punish
myself, I would sprint and then my lungs began to burn.
I had failed and the voice in my head said, you should suffer for it.
If a friend came to me, upset with a bad performance review or a terrible fight.
I wouldn't tell her to go run some laps as a punishment.
I would hug her and help her figure out a way out of this difficult time.
So why would I treat myself differently than I would to a close friend?
Think of the voice you use to criticize yourself.
That interview was so horrible, why couldn't I come up with better answers?
Or I said the dumbest thing on the date, I'm single forever.
>> [LAUGH] >> We've
internalized this negative self-talk as normal.
We aren't even aware of it and we don't question it.
This voice gives us feedback on our performance.
We believe it makes us be better, try harder, reach higher.
It's our internal coach but
it's feedback from a coach who doesn't really know how to coach.
Research shows that athletes are more motivated by positive coaches
than hostile ones.
Yet, when it comes to coaching ourselves, we tend to be more hostile than positive.
I thought I was becoming tougher by punishing myself for
my failures but the opposite was true.
If wanted to be a great coach to myself and improve my performance,
I needed to train that voice in my head to shush negative self talk and
embrace self compassion instead.
Self compassion is switch from self judgment, to self kindness.
It's filling the court to assess you are so weak, and
hiring the one who says, I understand it's tough.
When your team is getting blown out at half time,
you don't win the game by screaming, you suck.
>> [LAUGH] >> Coach K,
the legendary Duke basketball coach,
with the most wins in Division one men's basketball history,
says that his most reliable pep talk to his players is, I believe in you.
The positive impact of self compassion is written in biology.
When we are hard on ourselves, our body doesn't realize that it's our
self-talk and not someone else yelling at us and releases stress hormones.
When you sue on that problem or beat yourself up over that failure,
your body continues to release cortisol diverting energy from the task at hand.
That's why if you're a basketball player and you miss the first free throw,
you don't improve your chances of making the next one by beating yourself up.
You do it by taking a deep breath and concentrating.
As one of the greatest poets of our generation Taylor Swift,
tells us you need to dress to shake it off.
>> [LAUGH] >> Last week,
I caught myself thinking I am not strong enough to give this talk.
I have too much going on.
It's going to be so bad.
I am a disappointment but that's a lie.
I am strong enough but it's not about strength.
I was drunk on cortisol and I need to get my head back in the game.
So how did I do it?
Four year ago, I wouldn't have I would have kept beating myself up
all the way to a very mediocre draft, in a terrible self-fulfilling prophecy.
Today, when I realize I'm beating myself up,
I bring up my inner Coach K, who says, I believe in you and
I go through five steps of self-compassion.
First, name it.
Name what it is they are actually feeling.
I wasn't just stressed I was hurting.
Because with everything else going on in my life I didn't feel
I had capacity to do justice to a topic that matters so much to me.
I need to first understand exactly what's wrong.
Step two, feel it,
allow yourself to fully embrace that feeling.
Whether it's upset or anger or disappointment.
I was hurting and I wanted to cry.
So I did, I didn't go for a sprint.
I took a walk and I cried.
A few years ago, I would have felt crazy doing that.
It was actually a natural human reaction.
If my three year old niece Lena throwing a tantrum, then suddenly stopping and
going back to play.
>> [LAUGH] >> The secret here is once you allow
yourself to deeply feel that feeling, that negative emotion passes faster.
Step three is my favorite, comfort yourself.
Ask yourself what would you say and do if it was a friend and not yourself.
What do I need right now to feel better.
I came back hum from my walk.
I played the Drake as loud as my speakers would allow.
I danced and I eat chocolate.
>> [LAUGH] >> This step is not about problem solving,
it's about giving yourself what you need there and then.
Step four, hit a mental reset.
Tell yourself that it sucks, but it's okay and it will pass.
Now that you've felt your feelings,
you can have mental space again to be rational.
I've hanged out with a friend who gave me drake and chocolate, he is cool.
Now it's time for a friend who helped me solve the problem.
What do I need to get done and how can I make it more manageable.
The fifth and last step is simply go.
If you're head back in the game, it's time to take action.
What are your next steps?
I said down, I made it to the list, and I wrote,
remembering why I wanted to give the speech in the first place and
you might ask, why didn't I just suck it up?
I should have sat down and written the damn thing.
I could have, but my inner coach is smarter than that.
And she knows that if she forces me to do something,
the result won't be half as good as when I'm ready to do it, want to do it.
Self compassion allowed me to free myself and be ready sooner.
Whether it's a bad interview or a bad breakup, or
simply a bad day, you want to pick yourself up faster, so
you're ready for whatever life throws at you next.
Coach Kay lives by next play philosophy, whatever you've just done
is not nearly as important as what you're going to do right now.
As he says, anyone who's had success or wants it,
can't have a rearview mirror in their car.
They can't look back they've got to look ahead.
Don't look back be a good coach to yourself.
Show yourself some self compassion, name it,
feel it, comfort yourself, reset, go.
Five steps, you've got this.
I believe in you.
>> [APPLAUSE]
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