-New York, New York, New York.
All right, calm down. Calm down.
I got to catch the 2 train in a minute.
I'm 26.
Yeah, I'm an adult now.
I don't like it. I don't like it.
[ Laughter ]
I was tricked.
My mom told me, "When you get grown,
you can do whatever you want to do."
That's not true. [ Laughter ]
When you're grown, you can do whatever you can afford to do.
That's different. [ Laughter ]
Paying bills.
I miss free fun. I miss free fun.
I miss playing tag because I was never it.
[ Laughter ]
All my friends knew if I was it, that was it.
That's the end of the game.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm not chasing you around no neighborhood.
The living room, maybe. Not the neighborhood.
I'm not chasing you around the neighborhood.
I hated freeze tag.
It's got to be the dumbest game ever.
They only play it on the hottest day.
Tag, you can't move. Like, wait, wait.
You couldn't have froze me in the shade over there?
[ Laughter ]
I'm-a thaw out over here. I don't know if you know.
[ Laughter ]
I hung out with everybody. I don't care about your race.
I don't care, you know.
White, black, I don't care.
My favorite friend was white, named Tanner.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Tanner had the best post-play snacks.
[ Laughter ]
One time we was playing at his house,
he pulled out some Lunchables.
And it messed me up because I didn't even know
you could eat Lunchables at home.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I thought you had to be in school to eat Lunchables.
[ Applause ]
I was so excited.
I ate two semesters worth of Lunchables at his house.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. It was a new experience. That's what life's about.
New experiences.
That's where, I think, racism comes from --
lack of experiences or doing stuff with other people.
Do your favorite thing with other races.
I was blessed to do that as a kid growing up.
Like, my favorite thing to do growing up was sleepovers.
Remember sleepovers?
Yeah, go over somebody else's house,
mess their stuff up, then go home.
[ Laughter ]
I remember the first time I slept over Tanner's house.
It was amazing. I learned so much about --
I didn't know you can make
so much noise at white people's house
and their parents don't get mad.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's 3:00 in the morning.
All you hear is Tanner's dad go, "Tanner, what in tarnations?"
I was like, "Hold on. What's tarnations?"
[ Laughter ]
Tanner was like, "I'm sorry, Father.
We're just playing a game of tag."
His dad got mad. He was like, "Without me?"
[ Applause ]
He said, "Okay, I got something for you busters 'cause I'm it.
One, two."
And I just froze.
Yeah, I never heard no black parent count up.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Unh-unh.
But they will count down on you fast.
[ Laughter ]
And my mama was so gangster, she would count and name a chore
that better magically be done in between each number.
She'd just start out threatening everybody like,
"Y'all got five seconds to be in that bed.
And I'm talking about in the bed,
not on your way to the bed, not by the bed.
I'm talking about I want knees in sheets.
Five.
And your clothes better be ironed for school
in the morning too. [ Laughter ]
Four.
And your teeth better be brushed.
Three.
And there better be some gas in my car
'cause if there ain't no gas in my car --"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Like, I'm in kindergarten. That ain't got nothing to do with me.
[ Applause ]
Learn, people, man.
You got to learn about being with them.
Like I know, as a young black kid,
I grew up thinking white kids didn't get whoopings.
And that's not true. [ Laughter ]
It's not white kids don't get physical whoopings,
but it be mental. [ Laughter ]
White parents say stuff to their kids
that they need counseling before they hit 33.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But you wouldn't know that if you're not there.
I'm at Tanner's house.
I don't know what he did at school,
but his daddy would snap. He was like, "You know what?
This is some real malarkey, pal."
I said, "Oh."
He said, "Jesus H. Christ."
I say, "Hold on, Jesus got a middle name? I didn't --"
[ Laughter ]
That's when I knew it was over.
He was like, "You know what, Tanner?
I'm so -- I'm so mad at you.
Your grandfather's probably
turning over in his grave right now."
I said, "Damn." [ Laughter ]
What can you actually do
for somebody to turn over in their grave?
[ Laughter ]
Like, can you imagine that?
Oh, he just failed Spanish again.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Como se dice? Como se dice?
It made me think, because my grandaddy got a messed-up hip.
So somebody got to go down there and help him turn over.
[ Laughter ]
I'm Leonard Ouzts.
Thank y'all so much. I appreciate you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. Thank you.
Leonard Ouzts! Leonard Ouzts!
See him Thursday nights starring in "Abby's" on NBC.
Very funny show.