-Yeah, all right. Party, yeah.
I'm actually not a very good drinker.
Like, like when my friends are always like,
"Drink it, chug it, slam it,"
I'm always like, "I can't, it's a daiquiri, it will hurt."
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to swallow the umbrella.
I am not a manly man.
I know I look like a quarterback,
but inside I'm all cheerleader.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
I'm actually a huge people pleaser.
Whoa, shocker, right?
Yeah, like, even when I'm in an Uber,
I'm like, "Hey, do you want me to drive?
[ Laughter ]
Take a load off, pal." You know?
I figured out what Uber drivers do not like at all --
hugs goodbye.
But it's like, if you didn't want one,
why did you take me to the airport?
[ Laughter ]
I'm from Wisconsin.
You don't know how I was raised.
I definitely have that vibe about me.
Like, if I sat down next to you on an airplane,
you would be like, "Ugh, this guy is going to want to talk."
[ Laughter ]
And I do.
I want to talk so bad.
I choose the middle seat on purpose
just so I have more options.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah, I'm like, "Hey, what are we talking about?
Oh, we're talking about putting on headphones.
A lot of people have been talking about that."
I don't know if you guys can tell by my deep, tortured eyes,
but I've been through some stuff.
[ Laughter ]
Like, I went through a breakup last year,
and I don't know if you've ever been through one of those,
but oh, gosh, wow.
It is so fun.
Because you get to play a game called
"Am I going to cry in public today?"
[ Laughter ]
I was crying so hard one day in public
that a crying baby looked at me and stopped crying.
[ Laughter ]
Like, "Dude, how full is your diaper?"
[ Laughter ]
But crying is such a weird thing
because when you're crying alone,
you're like, "Nothing is worse than this."
But when you're crying in public,
you're like, "This is worse."
[ Laughter ]
I was in an airport going through this breakup.
I felt a cry coming on,
so I convinced myself that if I just ate a sandwich
I would have enough energy and calories from the sandwich
to suppress the tears.
That's not a thing.
I'm pulling the sandwich up to my face, I'm like,
"If you just eat this, you won't cry."
And at that moment, a businessman in a hurry
smacks into me and my sandwich goes "thwp!"
and one sad olive was rolling away.
And I was like, "Everyone's leaving me."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And then I just started bawling over my sandwich.
But it didn't sound like regular crying.
Have you guys ever been to the point
of the pathetic hyperventilation
where your crying sounds like pulling a straw
in and out of a fast-food-cup lid?
[ Laughter ]
That's where I was at.
I was like, "I -- just -- want -- my -- sandwich!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I -- want -- to eat -- right -- now."
And the most amazing thing happened --
instead of judging me,
the businessman just panicked and he started giving me money.
He's like, "Oh, no, there's a one, there's a 5, that's a 20.
Why isn't this working? It works on my children."
[ Laughter ]
He gave me $38 on a $7 sandwich.
And when he walked away, I had an epiphany.
I was like, "Oh, my gosh, I just mugged a man...
with my feelings.
That's not a weakness. That's a super power."
[ Laughter ]
But this story has a happy ending
because I just started dating a new girl
and I'm totally falling in love, you know.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, oh, thank you. Yeah.
Yeah, we met on an airplane.
I was like, "Yeah, middle seat's working out.
Oh, your headphones are broken."
We got off the plane, and she texted me.
She's way cooler than me.
She texted me, "HMU," which I now know means, "hit me up."
Right? I didn't know that.
I thought she was just spelling out the sound it makes
when you send a text message.
[ Light laughter ]
I literally thought she wrote, "hmu!"
So I replied, "eahph!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
She wrote, "No, HMU!"
I wrote, "Yes, eahph."
Finally she called me. She goes, "What do you mean?"
I was like, "What do you mean?"
She goes, "Mine means hit me up. What does yours mean?"
And I go, "Oh, my means E and then eamph!"
[ Laughter ]
And I swear to you, the first time I kissed her,
I leaned in and I go, "eamph."
[ Laughter ]
And she goes, "hmu!"
And I was like, "I'm going to marry her, you know?"
She's way kinkier than me because everybody is.
She goes, "What are you into? You know, like in the bedroom?"
And I was like, "Consent."
[ Laughter and applause ]
All right, I'm Pete Lee. Thanks, you've been a great crowd.
Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪♪
-Pete Lee! Wow!
That's how you do it right there.
Pete Lee.
For more, check out petelee.com.