(motorized desk lowering)
Hello, I'm unhappy at the moment.
But not for the reasons you might think,
so just stick with me.
So back in January, I posted two videos, right?
One of them was a meticulously researched,
heavily scripted, and painstakingly edited video essay
about a film that touched on my relationship with art
and how it affects my relationship with my partner, Emily.
Not long after that, I posted a rambly, off-the-cuff,
sloppy rant video about a bad cartoon.
And right off the bat, no,
This is not going to be a video of me complaining
about how one project that took a lot more effort,
got fewer views, and how I'm frustrated
that the algorithm didn't promote it,
or that people like you didn't watch the first video.
It's not gonna be any of that.
It has nothing to do with that.
That's not why I'm unhappy.
We knew from the start that the "Whisper of the Heart" video
was not gonna be a massive hit, but we made it anyway,
because it meant a lot to us,
and we had been working on it since late 2021.
Plus, it still reached over 100K views eventually,
mostly thanks to the Velma review
that did a lot of great numbers for me.
On the contrary, the reason why I'm struggling right now
is precisely because both videos did decently well for me.
And I want to explain why that's such a mental hurdle
for me.
But to fully understand the headspace that I'm in right now,
we need to go back in time to the start of my channel
and see how my videos have evolved
and what the future holds for me and for NerdSync,
if there is a future.
There is, I'm just being dramatic
so you don't leave while I tell you about
this video's sponsor, NordVPN.
We'll talk more about it later.
How are you doing, you wonderful nerds?
Scott here, and can I get a show of hands
for how many of you have been following me
for over 10 years now?
There's gotta be like two or three of you out there still
from my dorm room days.
To put it into comic book terms,
since people want me to talk about comics more.
This was the golden age of NerdSync.
You know, the quality wasn't the best,
but boy, I was just pumping out content.
I would say around 2014 to 2016
is maybe the silver age of NerdSync,
where the quality definitely got better
and the channel grew a ton.
And overall, I somehow managed to post
two to three videos per week, along with a podcast.
How did I do that?
Well, yeah, I think partly it was because
all I did was stand in front of a wall
and formatted each video to be nearly identical.
But as it turns out,
the real secret was a lack of self-awareness.
I had hundreds of thousands of subscribers back then,
still do, but I acted like I only had a dozen subscribers.
So my research was very bare bones
and my scripts just sort of stopped short
of actually saying anything of substance.
I don't know, that's how I look at them now
when I think back to it, but I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.
but at some point that mentality sort of overcorrected
in my head.
You know, I had maybe around 400,000 subscribers,
but I was acting like I had millions
and not like in a, "Oh, look how cool and popular
"and important I am," sort of a way,
but more of a, "I'm having constant panic attacks
"over how many people listen to what I have to say
"to the point where my anxiety is petrifying."
I basically felt like I wasn't allowed to have fun anymore,
which is why you could say that the 2016, 2017 era
of this channel was the Bronze Age.
Are these comic book references doing anything for you?
Stop talking about Scooby-Doo,
we missed the old NerdSync.
Do you though?
Was there much to miss?
I mean, look, there were some gems in here, but not many.
And I had this thing that I would often tell people
where I only liked one of my videos for maybe about a month.
You know, I'd post a video and I'd think
that it's really good.
And then after 30 days, I would look back on that video
with eyes full of perfectionism and therefore disdain.
You know, I would see all of the things
that I wish I could change about the video.
And I think in large part,
that was due to reading the comments
and seeing where people either misinterpreted what I said
or argued a point that I should have addressed, but didn't.
And this only furthered my anxiety
about the platform that I was growing.
I was disheartened by my work
and it barely paid the bills anyway.
But oh, what's this?
A NerdSync soft reboot approaches.
Yeah, so around 2019, I decided to focus on longer,
more in-depth videos with props and multiple sets and music
that wasn't just the same loop played over and over again.
Videos took longer to write, shoot, and edit,
but I was finally starting to be proud
of what I made for longer than a month.
These videos, these are bangers, still today, I think.
And sure, you know, in 2020,
I only made a grand total of six videos,
but there was a lot going on that year.
And focusing on those six videos
allowed me to experiment with different topics
like Scooby-Doo and Bob Ross.
One of those topics did really land with a lot of you,
which, you know, thank God,
because previously all I could do
was shout my hot takes at Emily.
I think people are too mean to Scrappy-Doo.
(laughing)
-
Who is too mean to Scrappy-Doo?
- Everyone, the internet's too mean to Scrappy-Doo.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Not every video did numbers,
but you know enough of them did
that I felt like this was the final direction of my channel.
Long form video essays that explore art
through curiosity and vulnerability.
I even made that my channel's new slogan,
making this read between the panels mugs obsolete.
If it'll go in focus.
These mugs.
I don't even think it went in focus.
That wasn't planned.
That wasn't a bit.
That hurt, man.
That hurt real bad.
Speaking of tea though,
if you want to know what I'm drinking today,
boy, this looks unappetizing, doesn't it?
It was tea sent in by a fan that's like blueberry,
acai, herbal tea, and I mixed it with coconut milk
to create sort of my own like Starbucks pink drink
sort of a thing.
It's really good though, I will say.
even though most of it's melted
and it just sort of looks beige.
Don't send me any more tea right now.
Don't send me anything to my PO box, actually.
I moved that I mentioned in my previous couple of videos.
So I'm in the process of opening up a new PO box
with a new address.
I have no idea what it'll be yet, so I'll keep you posted
so you can help fill out my new office tea station.
I feel fancy.
So I'm in this new era, right, of making long form videos
with greater production value than before.
And then we get to this past January, right?
Emily and I release our "Whisper of the Heart" video.
That was one of the most ambitious videos
I've ever worked on.
And it struggles to break 10K in its first couple of weeks.
And again, I knew that would happen.
It wasn't a huge deal.
But then, just for fun,
I make this completely unscripted Velma review
and it breaks 100,000 views in its first day.
And this scenario sort of hits on something
I've been working through in therapy lately.
So you know how I said that I've been consistently proud
of my long form video essays compared to my earlier videos
that I was only proud of for like a month tops.
Well, so there's a giant caveat to that.
It sort of feels silly to admit,
but it shouldn't, right?
'Cause, well, okay, so one of the biggest factors
in whether or not I'm proud of a video
is how well it performs.
Now, that doesn't have to mean view numbers.
It can mean how many DMs and emails I get
from people telling me how much they liked a video
and how much it impacted them positively,
especially if other creative people that I look up to
reach out and shower me with compliments.
That means the world to me, it really does.
But oftentimes it does mean views.
And I don't know if that's just my brain being broken
by YouTube analytics and social media numbers,
but that's a bird clock.
New place, same bird clock.
But that's the reality of it.
So when I put out that hastily produced Velma review
and it instantly started doing numbers for me,
I did not care that I barely spent any time on it.
I didn't care that I recorded it
over two different sessions
while we were in the middle of moving.
I didn't care that there was no background music
or flashy visuals.
All that I cared about was that you all
were responding well to it.
And that's when I realized that my most recent videos
might be making me deeply unhappy.
You see, even though I look back at my early videos
and see a dork with hair that looks like a poop emoji
who isn't aware of the platform that he had
and cranked out as many videos as possible
while trying to be apolitical,
I also see a person who was happy, you know?
It's like a robot, right?
Before they gain sentience
and start questioning their existence.
This guy is just vibing.
He's never gonna die.
What even is death?
I'm not gonna look that up.
Sounds like a bummer.
I envy this dude in a way.
You know, I was able to make a video one week
and then leave it behind completely
and make a new video next week.
And sure, like I said, I wasn't really proud
of any video for longer than a month,
but does that mean that the videos were bad
and I was looking back at them realizing how bad they are?
Or does that mean that I was making so many
that I was able to improve my writing and researching
and editing at a rapid rate, month over month,
specifically because I was making so much.
Maybe it's both, maybe it's a little of both.
But meanwhile today, you know,
I sometimes go months between new videos
and it creates this sort of negative snowball effect, right?
It's been so long since I posted a video
that I feel like my next one needs to be worth the wait,
which only makes me spend even more time writing it
and editing it to the point where the wait becomes longer
and the pressure to make it worthwhile becomes greater
and so on and so on.
And look, I am so thankful for you all as followers
and fans who care about me and my mental health.
Like literally anytime I post an update on an upcoming video
there's always a handful of people in the replies
telling me to take my time and don't rush it,
don't stress myself out.
And that really does mean a lot to me.
I guess I'm just sort of wondering
if it's better for my mental health
if I do rush my videos.
And that is 100% not an invitation
for any of you to start demanding more uploads from me,
you little scoundrels, all right?
I just think sometimes quantity
might be better than quality.
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I still want to make longer, highly produced videos.
Those are extremely creatively fulfilling to me
in ways that shorter videos aren't.
but I don't, I don't know,
I don't wanna do them for every upload, you know?
In fact, my current podcast that I do
with my buddy Tristan from Step Back
called "It's Probably Not Aliens," links below,
that has helped me see the benefit
of just making something every single week.
If you've not listened to an episode,
my job on the show is to be the host
who knows nothing about the subject.
And I just ask questions and make jokes
while Tristan does the heavy lifting debunking
ancient aliens theories.
Am I always entertaining?
I would like to think so, but truthfully,
it doesn't matter because we're going to do the same thing
again next week and the week after that until we're dead
because it's taken us like a year and a half
to even get through the first season of "Ancient Aliens."
And that show has as many seasons
as the Duggar family has kids, 19 and counting.
And just like the Duggars, some of them are truly terrible,
but really they're all bad.
So here is what we are going to experiment with
on this channel for the next couple of months.
I am going to post a video a week for the rest of this month
just to build up some creative momentum.
Then I'm gonna start working in my typical
long form video essay stuff as we go along.
I don't wanna give up on those.
I love doing them.
You guys like watching them.
I appreciate that.
The idea here though is that by forcing myself
to make bad art, so to speak,
to not overthink and to not get too precious
about the content.
I'm hoping to learn to be happier
with the videos that I do create
and not let the anxiety of perfectionism
get in the way of me making my videos.
And regardless, I'm still always going to put
a lot of effort and love into whatever it is that I create,
whether it's a long form thing,
a short form thing, doesn't matter.
I just, I would like to think that after 10 years
of making YouTube videos on this channel,
I am good enough at it that I don't have to give 200%
to every single thing that I make
to prove that my voice has value.
So I hope that you watch my upcoming videos
and I hope that you enjoy them,
but I mainly hope that even if you don't,
that I will not have as much time to linger on them
before moving on to the next one
or before telling you about today's sponsor,
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Well folks, it's that time of year again.
Weather's heating up,
I'm wearing my unbutton-est down button-down,
and you know I can always be found out here on my boat.
Casting away into that big beautiful blue.
This hat's a little in my face.
I've, uh...
Perfect.
*laughs*
Wouldn't change a thing.
Now, to be clear, I don't own a boat, nor do I know anyone who does, and I haven't
gone fishing in at least the last decade of my life, probably longer, but I do own lots
of floral shirts, and this hat, as we've established.
So I do feel right at home in the fishing community.
As long as the only kind of fishing that we're doing is with an F, not a PH.
You see, fishing with a PH is when you get an email that looks legitimate, you know,
It might look like it's something from Twitter or YouTube or Zoom or
really any website that you use, but it's not real. It's fake.
I mean the email is obviously real,
but it's not from the legitimate place that you think it's from.
It's from hackers and scammers and just people trying to get your online information.
And honestly, as soon as they get the email and password for one login,
chances are they can use that information to figure out the
login information for all of your other accounts that you have.
Like your bank or your floral shirt dropshipping company that
everyone reads as inauthentic for some reason
if you're not out there on the open sea casting away to catch, I don't know, what's the...
goldfish?
Is that the point?
I don't know.
Look, I'm just out here getting some rest and relaxation, just like you can relax when
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(upbeat music)
Once again, that's NordVPN.com/NerdSync.
Go get yourself a two-year plan
and you'll get some additional months for free
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Some would say that's a boatload of savings.
Do you think I spend too much time on these ads?
I just wanna make them fun for, so people watch them.
Okay, bye.
Let me know what you all think about this in the comments.
By the way, I mentioned that I don't like reading comments
anymore these days, that doesn't mean you shouldn't leave
them because Emily does read the comments and she tells me
what all the best ones are.
And by best ones, I don't mean ones that praise me.
It's mostly the funniest ones.
She reads me the funniest ones.
So you can still leave funny comments if you want.
Thank you so much for watching.
I really hope this wasn't the first video of mine
that you've ever seen.
That would be weird.
Once again, my name is Scott reminding you to explore
your favorite art through curiosity and vulnerability.
See ya.