- I know this must be a stressful thing
for you having to hire someone new.
So just let me know what I can do for you
to make this as smooth as possible.
Uh, your job posting was a little bit unclear
so I went ahead, I rewrote it,
made it a little more streamlined.
So, statistically,
this should bring in much more highly-qualified candidates.
- [Interviewer] What's a time you've had
a disagreement at work?
- I find that disagreements, they're generally improper.
And as long as everyone feels good, and is happy
and is getting along, management can do as they see fit.
- [Interviewer] Uh, what are you... ?
- Oh, sorry, I was just sketching your portrait.
You can keep that.
Also, I was wondering,
do you have a kombucha bar for employees?
- [Interviewer] Can you handle
a fast-paced working environment?
- The speed at which you're asking me these questions,
makes me question how fast-paced it truly is.
- [Interviewer] Where do you see yourself in five years?
- CEO of a company that will buy your company
and increase profits a hundred-fold.
- [Interviewer] What's this?
- It's a poem I wrote about how I feel
about this job interview.
It's called Locking my Own Cage from the Inside.
- [Interviewer] Okay.
- It's actually pretty good.
- [Interviewer] I see there's a gap in your employment.
Why was that?
- Uh (chuckling) yeah, gap in my resume,
just like the gap in your teeth, am I right?
I'm just playing around, just kidding.
The gaps in my resume.
I am sorry, I am just mesmerized by your teeth, right now.
- [Interviewer] What would you say are your strengths?
- Is my resume not detailed enough?
Do I need to spell it out for you?
Here, gimme that.
(paper shuffling)
Let me just read it to you,
since apparently, it's not clear enough.
Okay, you're hired.
- [Interviewer] We're interviewing you.
- Oh, sorry, what was this job for again?
- [Interviewer] Payroll accountant.
- (chuckling) What the (beep) was I thinking?
- [Interviewer] Why should we hire you?
- That's kind of a dumb question.
- [Interviewer] If we give you the job,
how much money will you make us?
- Well that depends on what you mean by money.
It isn't obvious to me
that we're talking about the same thing.
- [Interviewer] What are your weaknesses?
- Uh, none.
- [Interviewer] Tell me a little about yourself.
- Just tell me who you want me to be
and I'll be that.
- [Interviewer] Do you have any questions for us?
- Hey, forget the questions, I brought brownies.
Let's just dig in.
(uplifting music)
It's a poem about about how I feel.
Oh, you can't look at the camera.
Okay, you're hired.
(sighing)
What the frick was I thinking?