CULT LEADER: Praise Cthulhu and this video’s sponsor Campfire Blaze!
The world sucks right now.
Let’s escape into fantasy land!
At least we can meet some new and exciting fantasy characters.
Or we would if fantasy authors ever decided to write any.
And why would they?
What’s the point of building a character around a good solid core motive, when instead
we can create characters the much better way by slapping a broad archetype into the story,
and make absolutely zero modifications to them.
So let’s dig into some of the many kinds of fantasy characters we can write starting
with…
The Farm Boy A writer can never go wrong with the classics
and one of the oldest classics is the farm-boy of mysterious lineage.
He longs for a life beyond being a farm hand and gets way more than he bargained for when
his farm gets burned down along with his peasant village no matter how strategically insignificant
it is.
Now the farm-boy turned adventurer is not a completely outrageous concept.
Life as a farmhand can build physical stamina and they often make good stock for soldiers.
But if you happen to be a wizard in need of hiding a lost heir then don’t worry, I can’t
think of any better place than a farm to learn the ins and outs of high stakes political
intrigue and complex economic management skills needed to lead a kingdom.
The Noble Hero A stark contrast with the farm boy, this character
starts with a noble title and usually a prepackaged bundle of royal responsibilities complete
with an unwanted arranged marriage.
The noble hero though doesn’t have to play catch-up like the farm hand does since they
already have the skills and resources needed to handle themselves.
This means I can skip the training montage.
Know what else I can skip?
All of the essential legwork on the culture and other world-building details of the noble
hero’s house!
That will all be replaced with endless whining about how hard it is to have all that pesky
responsibility while the peasants just outside the castle walls starve and wish they had
access to healthcare beyond leeches.
The Plucky Yong Adult Teen Ah.
The plucky YA teen who is being sent to um…
Notwarts the magic school where only the most gifted and magically talented teens go.
This character is so talented that they really don’t need to go to school at all, but they
have show off to someone.
Besides, what better place to pick up a gaggle of suitors who constantly compete for the
protagonist's attention.
God forbid the writer actually make them freaking learn something at their stupid magical academy.
The Average Modern Dude The average modern dude is a protagonist with
no discernible character traits other than being an empty vessel for the audience to
project onto.
This character is also from the modern world and would have normally been doomed to take
part in a mediocre slice of life story with comedy elements, but thanks to the power of
magical BS, that’s short for Basic Summoning or in anime speak TruckKun, is transported
to the magic world where the most magical thing they experience is that every attractive
woman is fighting over them.
Well that and also how he manages to somehow not die of dysentery in the first five minutes.
How does their modern perspective clash with the ancient and alien culture and world they
find themselves in?
I don’t know, but here’s a bunch of power fantasy.
Isekai I hear you scream in the comments, blissfully unaware of just how freaking old
this worn out trope really is.
But don’t you worry.
Isekai is on my list as well.
The Wizard Now I’ve already covered mentors which Wizards
often fall to, but I thought I would also touch on the wizards themselves.
You know, the standard issue one that everyone just rips off from Tolkien who ripped off
Oden that comes from the writings of a monk who likely ripped off the Vikings... who probably
also ripped off the Celts.
So just to reiterate, a wizard has a staff, pointy hat, long white beard, and robes.
The wizard’s magic should also never be as cool as anything as the protagonist can
do.
The wizard should also be wise, but since writing wisdom is hard a writer can settle
for cryptic nonsense instead.
Never ever just do… anything… just do anything interesting with wizards.
A character who wields powerful forces that redefine reality itself?
No way that could shape a character’s personality in an interesting and unique way, better stick
to the Tolkien standard issue knockoff Gandalf.
If you really want to get creative then just add bird poop to his head.
The Plucky Thief Need to round out the ensemble in a fantasy
party?
Just add a plucky thief.
Thieves are great and always on the good guys side.
As they live a shortsighted, unsustainable, amoral, and very illegal lifestyles it’s
only natural that they side with team good guys and their insistence on doing things
the hard, but fair way.
Why would a thief be tempted to join the side that takes moral shortcuts and values wealth
and power over honor and fairness?
Well because our thief has a code of honor no matter how crippling it is to their bottom
line.
Plucky thieves also make great comic relief characters that you can inflict on your audience.
The Mascot Creature Hey!
Listen... to this suggestion about adding in a small creature of some kind as a mascot,
snarf.
This great addition can serve as marketing, merchandising, and even as a dispenser of
exposition and mission objectives.
Will the audience fantasize about murdering this small annoying creature that never shuts
up and talks in an irritating high pitched voice?
Of course not!
Just make it cute and all sins will be forgiven.
Give the mascot creature its very own character arc?
Don’t be silly.
Plush toys don’t get character arcs.
The Protagonist’s Parents Yeah I’m sure they’ll get lots of character
development.
Dead by chapter 1 if they’re lucky.
If not then they probably got Disneyed in the backstory.
The Good King.
So fantasy has this thing where it just loves monarchies and it’s every fantasy writer’s
duty to perpetuate that love unthinkingly.
Monarchy is great.
That’s why there’s so many of them still around.
And many fantasy monarchies are led by the Good King.
The Good King is good and cares about his subjects, even the poor, dirty toothless ones.
How does he navigate the maze of cutthroat court politics, nefarious overseas plots to
undermine his rule, usurpers in his very family, pressure from powerful religious institutions,
and still somehow manage to draft policies that don’t have any major losers?
Well he uses whatever magic that instantly resolves all of the plot’s conflict whenever
he is rightfully restored to the throne.
Don’t worry.
I’m sure he will still be a good king even after he is an aged, sickly shell of a man
who appoints his horse to the position of chief economic adviser.
If the good king is on the throne and things are still bad, well that’s probably the
fault of…
The Scheming Adviser Remember that in fiction land, autocrats are
always good, but experts are always bad.
Why did the Good King appoint Schemey Von Knifenback as his most trusted adviser?
I mean clearly the adviser is problem, not the moron who appointed him and continues
to trust him in spite of his astoundingly bad policy advice and aura of dark, malevolent
energy.
Is it because of the adviser’s charisma?
His balding head, greasy hair, and constant outbursts of mad cackling say no?
Is he using magic to alter the king’s mind?
Only if it’s really obvious that he’s doing so and has no backup plan if someone
calls him out on it.
Fortunately for him, someone as important as the king never has any bodyguards to notice
such a thing.
Getting rid of the scheming adviser is the best way to fix all of the kingdom’s problems
no matter how endemic those problems are.
The Guards The city guard is here!
Not here to help though.
Mostly they exist to get beat up by the good guys by rushing in and attacking them one
at time.
And that’s if they’re lucky.
The less lucky guards get eaten by the dragon or killed and zombiefied by the lich in order
to establish how dangerous the bad guy is.
And clearly the bad guy is very dangerous because he killed a bunch of guards who I
established as weak and incompetent in the earlier chapters.
Very scary.
The guards’ only real job is jobbing, but they suck at that too apparently.
Could I make the guards an actual competent faction in their own right and force both
the heroes and villains to content with them, turning a throwaway batch of characters into
a wildcard faction?
Of course.
But I’m not going to waste time with that when I have power fantasy to indulge in.
The Villains Right Hand Every bad guy needs an apex henchman, a brawn
to complement the brains.
What the main villain really needs is a powerful and dangerous right hand man, woman, or monster
to go and get the dirty work done quickly and efficiently.
This is not that character.
The villains right hand burns down the peasant village to stop the prophecy only for the
chosen one to escape.
The right hand pursues the chosen one, dogging their every step, but somehow the heroes slip
through their fingers every time.
Their entire villainous career is nothing but one failure after another.
Unfortunately for the right hand, the main villain always punishes failure.
Fortunately, the main villain is never smart enough to actually replace their right hand
minion with someone who actually knows what they’re doing.
Why make a cunning, smart, and dangerous opponent when I can instead fill the antagonist ranks
with morons.
Hm.
I wonder if this will be a theme with the rest of the bad guy entries?
The Minions The main villain has their right hand, but
they also need an army of minions as well.
These minions are a crack team of vicious and highly dangerous enemies that are… ha
ha.
Just kidding.
They’re dumber than styrofoam and about as tough.
What they lack in creating narrative tension, the make up for in disposability.
The villain buys these goons in bulk and never considers using minions that might actually
inspire terror in their enemies rather that witty quips and sarcastic banter as the good
guys mow the minions down as casually as they take out the trash.
Could the villain use the sheer weight of numbers of his evil minions to wear down the
good guys with attrition and force them to actually get creative?
Well no, because much like the poor city guard, only one minion is allowed to attack the heroes
at once.
Besides, if we want to really threaten the heroes then the main villain will deploy…
The Elite Minions The elite minions are like normal minions…
What?
You thought there would be a difference?
Well the elite minions have a more fearsome reputation hence why they are considered elite.
Unfortunately for the forces of evil, this is simply a difference in branding rather
than performance.
They’re still about as sturdy as paper mache in a hurricane.
Could they at least act as a speed bump for the heroes?
No.
That role is reserved for...
The Guardian Beast Every dark lord needs a terrible monster to
guard their dungeon.
Yes.
Surely the horrible beast will put a stop to the heroes.
After the right hand failed because he was too stupid, the minions failed because they
were too stupid, and even the elite minions failed because they were too stupid, I’m
sure a monster that is even dumber than all the others combined will due to the trick.
The best part about the guardian beast is when it comes out of nowhere with zero foreshadowing
and then is never mentioned again afterwards.
Not only does it serve as a speed bump for the heroes, but it also serves as a pointless
speed bump to slow the story down as well.
Now a fantasy writer has enough off the shelf, standard issue character archetypes to fill
out the cast of their very own fantasy story.
I mean yeah, the reader will try to escape from a reality full of incompetent people
only to find themselves in a fantasy land full of idiotic characters, but hey at least
the snooty nobles don’t all have blue check-marks above their heads.
CULTISTS: Cuthulu Fatagin!
CULT LEADER: At long last we have the power to unmake the world!
It will end in ash, fire, blood, death, and endless insanity.
Simply lovely.
CULTIST: Yay!
Sometimes when I’m feeling down I imagine being eaten by Cuthulu and having my soul
digested in an eternity of deathless torment.
That always cheers me up, but now it might be happening for real at long last!
I’m so happy!
CULTIST 2: We get such a better deal than those other pansy religions!
CULT LEADER: Yes.
The end is nigh!
2020 is our year!
All thanks to Cthulhu!
DARK LORD: No.
Thanks to me!
The Dark Lord!
My search for the power of the sponsor is over!
It is time for me to use its power to put an end to all things and bring about ultimate
destruction wrought by my own hands!
Right after I take this video’s sponsor, Campfire Blaze, by force!
CULT LEADER: Um.
Excuse me, pointy helmeted sir, but you can’t end the world.
We called dibs.
DARK LORD: Calling this Dibs person will not help you against me!
Submit to my will and let the end begin!
CULT LEADER: Well that’s very rude of you, sir.
We worked hard to lay the foundations of the fall of human kind.
For only through dedication, faith, goodwill, and empathy can we bring about the end of
all things as the world as we know it slips into the inky abyss of screaming madness.
DARK LORD: Please.
Everyone knows the only thing you need to end the world is some odd collection of magical
jewelry.
Collect them all and its instant fiery doom.
Easy as making orphans.
CULT LEADER: Well that’s very mean!
Those orphans deserve a chance to be eaten by Cthulhu too.
Here.
We wrote this track to explain it.
DARK LORD: I don’t have time for your pamphlets.
CULT LEADER: But there’s always time for pamphlets...
DARK LORD: I have an expanded universe to destroy!
I shall use Campfire Blaze’s burning power as a writing organizational tool, power that
can create entire universes with detailed timelines, character arcs, maps, location
details, word processor, and research module, and twist that power for my own evil ends!
CULT LEADER: I don’t think that’s how writing software works…
DARK LORD: Silence mewling tentacle man!
Campfire Blaze is modular allowing you to build your own subscription meaning I need
only select modules that I can weaponize with some for as little as 50 cents a month.
While you can collaborate real time with other writers, I will keep Campfire Blaze’s power
all for myself!
CULT LEADER: Well actually, Campfire Blaze is in open beta for free for the entirely
of this October.
DARK LORD: What?
CULT LEADER: It’s true.
TWA fans, or anyone really, can go to bit.ly slash TWABLAZE or click in the link in the
description below.
You see, Mr. Dark Lord, the end of the world should be for everyone to enjoy, not just
you.