Bonjour, mi amigos!
No, wait. That's...
This is "what in the ADHD?", I'm Sydni, and
today, we're going to be talking about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or "RSD" for short.
So, we're going to attack this from a few angles today.
First, we're going to talk about
what it is. Then, we're going to talk about what it feels like to the people that have it.
Next, where it came from.
How do we develop RSD?
And then we're going to discuss the different parts of your life that it can affect.
Spoiler alert: it can affect every aspect of your life.
And then lastly, I'm going to give some ideas for how we can alleviate some of the things that come with RSD.
How we can "fix it"
So what is RSD, exactly?
Before we talk about that, I wanted to make sure we had Emotional Dysregulation covered.
Emotional Dysregulation is having a very extreme or impulsive
emotional response to something, and then not being able to
keep that in an acceptable and an appropriate range.
You're going to get angry at things that shouldn't make -- maybe they would make a "normal" person mad, but --
You get really, really angry about it. You get really, really sad about things
that maybe you shouldn't be THAT sad about. Stuff like that.
Emotional Dysregulation by anybody, but you are more likely to experience Emotional Dysregulation if you have:
ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD),
PTSD, or other mood disorders like depression.
So now onto the reason that you're here: RSD. What is it?
While Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria IS an extreme emotional response to things,
It is also classified as being extremely emotionally sensitive to the prospect of certain things.
And those certain things would be:
The fear of being rejected by others, the fear of being disagreed with,
the fear of being criticized (that's a really big one for me),
fear of being judged by other people, or that you're going to be a disappointment to others,
or even that you're going to be a disappointment to yourself.
So, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is the fear of the possibility of those things before they even happen.
So, now we know what RSD is.
What does it feel like to the people that have it?
People with RSD are going to fear social interactions - just the idea of social interactions-
because they're afraid of the things that I listed before.
They're afraid that the people that they're going to be at a party with, or
the people that they're working in a group project with, or people at work, or whatever -
They're afraid that the people are going to reject them somehow.
They're going to make fun of them behind their back,
They're going to say something stupid and they're going to embarrass themselves.
People with RSD kind of have a social anxiety sort of feeling when it comes to the idea of
having to engage in social interactions.
So, we feel those anxieties beforehand;
when we actually are IN the social interaction, it's going to be WAY amplified.
We are going to be very acutely aware of everything that we do or say
because we feel like people are constantly watching, and that they're constantly judging everything that we do.
Not just like, judging like "hmm, I wonder why they're doing that", but
in our minds, we're thinking, "wow, they're probably wondering why I just picked up two pieces of cheddar cheese
instead of a cheddar and a jalapeno piece of cheese."
We think - *laughs* - we think that everything we do is being scrutinized by other people
when, in reality, it's probably not.
I say "probably" - it's NOT. It's not.
People aren't judging every single thing that you do.
But people with RSD, we don't think that way.
(nervously) "oh my God, is there something in my teeth? Why are they looking at my hair? Is something wrong with my hair?"
And then, you're gonna like, try to crack a joke and no one's gonna laugh.
People aren't going to think about that. They're gonna be like, "ok yeah, whatever", and then they're gonna move on.
But you are not going to move on.
You're going to sit and think about that joke that no one laughed at for the next 16 years.
Lie awake every night until 4 am, thinking about how stupid it was that you said that.
That's basically what RSD is.
You're just afraid of what other people's perceptions are of you,
and you react to it way too intensely.
I'm not really sure what "normal" people feel. I don't know if "normal" people feel this way all the time, like if
they're constantly thinking-- THAT'S WHY I HATE GOING --
--sorry--
That's why I hate going to the gym.
Because I feel like--
I was only on the elliptical for 10 minutes? People are going to JUDGE that!
Are they watching what I'm doing?
Am I lifting it right? Are they seeing how much weight I'm lifting?
Are they judging that I can only lift 40 pounds instead of 45 or 50 pounds--
-- I hate going to the gym because I'm afraid of being judged.
And that is a HUGE aspect of RSD.
You are constantly concerned about what other people are thinking about you.
So, now we know what RSD is and what it feels like.
But, where the heck does it come from?
Why do people with ADHD have such a FEAR of being rejected?
Well, the answer may surprise you --
-- it won't --
It comes from our childhood.
So, let me elaborate on that one.
I was recently listening to an ADHD podcast, and they were talking about a study
with a very alarming statistic:
By the age of 12, children with ADHD (undiagnosed or not) hear 20,000 more negative or critical messages than their peers.
20,000 MORE!
That's insane!
So, when I say "negative or critical messages", I mean coming from someone in a place of authority.
A parent or guardian or a grandparent,
a caregiver, a coach, a teacher.
Here are some examples of negative or critical messages that children with ADHD hear on a daily basis.
Let me know if any of these sound familiar to you.
"Why are you so messy all the time?"
"Sit still and be quiet for once."
"Stop interrupting all the time. You need to raise your hand or you need to wait until other people are done talking."
"You're so lazy!"
"You need to clean your room before you do anything. It looks like a tornado went through here."
"Why don't you ever listen?"
"PAY ATTENTION."
"You lost something ELSE? Again?"
"Why can you never remember ANYTHING? You need to take some responsibility."
So, tell me.
Did those sound familiar?
'cause I - I bet they did.
So, basically - when we were kids, we were criticized, and punished, and yelled at
for behaviors that were directly related to our ADHD.
Now, I'm not saying that caregivers and parents and teachers should just ignore these behaviors
and let the kid have their ADHD behaviors because they can't help it.
That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just saying there are better ways to approach it.
While the severity of your RSD does depend very heavily on the types of messages you heard from
the adults in your life as a child and how often you heard them,
other children can also play a role in the severity of your RSD.
I don't know about you guys, but I definitely struggled with bullies in middle school...
Middle school SUCKED.
I was reading a study recently, and it showed that children with ADHD
are rejected more by their peers than neurotypical children,
and it is likely because these other children see the kid with ADHD as
"the weird kid" or "the kid that talks too much".
That hurts a kid's feelings. We don't understand those things when we're kids.
But- we remember that.
And - we harbor that, and then it just kinds festers
And then we - we turn into adolescents and adults that anticipate being rejected.
We are going to reject other people before they have the chance to reject us.
So that's why - a lot of times - people with ADHD in their teen and adult years...
They're not liked by a lot of people because - you know - it's a defense mechanism
because we were so used to being ridiculed and made fun of and bullied when we were kids.
So - now that we know what RSD is, what it feels like, and where it comes from ...
What aspects does it affect in your life?
Like I kind of gave away earlier: RSD can definitely affect every aspect of your life.
It can affect work or school if you're a college student.
You're sensitive to feedback from your boss.
Maybe you didn't do something to the level that they were expecting, but they were just giving you constructive criticism
and now you think that they hate you because they said that you need to do a better job,
and now you're quitting your job. So, it can affect that part of your life.
It can affect your relationships with your family and friends.
Spoiler alert: people aren't gonna agree with you your whole life.
Some of those people might be your very close friends or someone in your family.
You take those disagreements very personally, and that can create some friction between you and a loved one.
And then, of course, there's social media. This one is HUGE.
Someone disagrees with us, someone corrects something that we misspoke on -
And we take it so personally.
Unlike interactions with a family member or a friend in your living room
and they disagree with you on something,
you have your disagreement. It's over.
Online, people will comment on it and be like, "Hey, I disagree with you BlahBlahBlahBLAH!"
And then other people come in and be like, "HmmHmmHMM, BlahBlahBlahBLAAHH!
I agree with this person! You're totally wrong and you suck!"
And then you're like, "Okay - well, I guess I do suck."
And they probably didn't even say that you suck, you just TOOK it that way, and then now you're depressed!
I say that lightly, but .... y- you are.
So, that was a lot to take in.
Is there anything we can do to fix it?
The short answer is "yes", but... it's going to take a lot of work.
The first step to "fixing" your RSD:
Being mindful.
Now, when I say "be mindful", I don't mean :
"Become a yoga master. Go to the monasteries and take a vow of silence for a year.
Be kind to everybody and become a vegan - like - that's NOT ... what I mean.
Nobody has time for that.
I mean:
For the next week or so, when something happens that provokes an emotional response,
Just take note of it. Practice becoming more aware of what's going on inside of you.
You don't need to change anything yet. Just practice becoming aware.
Then, once you feel comfortable with recognizing those feelings and those emotions,
THEN you can start to judge them. But be kind to yourself.
Be nice. Don't - don't be like, "well that's a stupid thing to be sad about, ya wimp!"
Like - that's not gonna help. You have RSD. I mean, come on. Don't do that.
Something that I find very helpful is writing it down.
And then you're going to want to assess what you wrote and be like,
"Ok, so this happened... and it made me feel offended and depressed."
Why?
It's really important for you to assess HOW something made you feel,
and WHY you think it made you feel that way.
Nine times out of ten, whatever the person said or did...
They didn't mean it in the way that you TOOK it.
So, you are responsible for yourself.
You are 100% responsible for your RSD. Nobody else is responsible for making you feel better.
That is why it's important to write things down,
so that you're not throwing all of your stuff onto someone that you love-
"Here's what happened and I'm stressed out! And people hate me!
And I'm deleting my Instagram and I'm dropping out of grad school!" -
--- that's a personal thing... but ---
Write it down. Reflect on it later on your own.
But, like I said: you are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for your own RSD.... because...
here's the problem: when you "overreact" to something -- like I said, I hate using that word, but it's kinda true. Is it not true? It's true.
It's true. Its' true.
-- you don't think it's an overreaction.
Maybe you think about it like 3 years later at 2 o'clock in the morning, and you're like "shit that was an overreaction." -- BUT --
If you're not aware of how you're reacting and the emotions that you're feeling and how you are responding to them,
and when your friends and your family come to you and say,
"Hey, you know - that was a little bit of an overreaction."
Girl, lemme tell you - you do not want to tell someone that they are overreacting.
Because guess what that's gonna do? That's gonna make it worse.
Especially for someone with RSD.
Because even if they do try to help you, you're not gonna want their help. You're gonna think that they're criticizing you.
You're gonna think that they hate you as a person for telling you that you were overreacting, even though you WERE overreacting. Right?
So, you need to be responsible for yourself. Be mindful.
Other options are, of course, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. "CBT" for short. Or ANY type of therapy.