- I'll tell you what the best travel shows
on television are,
Anything by Michael Palin.
Did you see his latest one?
Michael Palin's Brazilian?
I think that's what's it called.
(audience laughing)
He's done so many travel programmes
that now at Heathrow airport there are 3 queues.
EU, Non-EU and Michael Palin.
(audience laughing)
Michael Palin must be sick of travelling now.
Mustn't he?
Do you think his next series,
he'll just say "I've got me sandwiches,
I'm just going to stay on the couch."
You know what? Maybe I'll ask him myself.
Because he's here.
Please welcome, actor, writer, comedian, TV presenter,
and national treasure Michael Palin.
(audience clapping)
- Hello
- Now you've been to, you've been around the world.
You've been to Brazil, like we've talked about.
You've been to the North and South Pole.
You've been to the Himalayas.
What's the biggest Toblerone you've ever had?
- (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- Have you had one of the?
The huge Toblerones?
- No I haven't had one of the very big ones.
- Really?
- No.
- You should treat yourself.
- How big?
How big do they get?
- About that.
- I mean so I've heard.
- Have you?
(audience laughing loudly)
- Is that when it's fully, you know?
that's the,
Sorry, I mean that's.
- (laughs) You mean when it's not on the slack?
(audience laughing)
- An aroused Tolberone, that's an awful thought.
- Pretty awesome thought.
(audience laughing)
Now you're one of the worlds most intrepid travellers.
Aren't you?
What I would like to ask you, most, is
- I know it's going to be rude. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- You don't know that.
Is it true that you can't go to the toilet
on a train when it's in the station?
(audience laughing)
- Well,
- Is that true?
- Well, you can, but it just lies there,
you know, on platform three, for a while.
It's not very nice when people
are about to get on the train.
- I'm not bothered.
(audience laughing)
How would they know it was me?
(audience laughing)
It's not like anybody is on the platform going,
EWWWW!
Or maybe they are?
- I don't know. You're a celebrity now,
they probably (laughs) ahh no, I won't go into this.
(audience laughs)
- I'm not at that level where somebody
would put one of mine on eBay though.
(audience laughs)
I think they'd do that with one of yours.
- Oh God,
- That's why. That's why somebody
is in your dressing room right now probably.
(audience laughing)
- That's awful.
- Now, you're constantly travelling, going around the world.
Does your wife just want to get you out of the house?
Do you think?
- I've got, I've got a feeling.
Yes, that's true.
- (laughs)
- She's always suggesting places.
Have you been to Papua New Guinea dear?
She eventually just got a big list,
that she's just ticking off.
- 14 000 miles away that will give me a few days off.
(audience laughing)
- Do you think travelling men make better lovers?
Because they're good at finding stuff?
(audience laughing)
- Finding what?
- Aw really?
- Finding their way around?
- Poor Mrs. Palin.
- Probably, you'd have to ask her.
Oh no don't actually
(audience laughing)
- Now I'm asking a lot of questions here aren't I?
Did you expect this Spanish Inquisition?
(audience laughs)
Nobody, expects the Spanish Inquisition.
- (laughs)
Now, when I go away I take,
if I go away for a decent length of time.
Which, like a month or something.
Then I'll take me slippers
and I take me favourite mug.
Have you got any creature comforts
that you like to take away with you?
- Um not really, I mean toilet rolls.
Because the places I go to, you need them.
- Would that be a multi pack or...
(audience laughing)
- No, you've got to, the best thing is a flat pack.
You know you can't.
- Have you just go to sit for hours before
you go just tearing it all off?
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- (laughs)
Pass us that other roll!
- So that's your luxury, is toilet roll.
- Well luxury and necessity.
Yeah I don't have a luxury really, no.
- You treat yourself with some bog roll, eh.
- Spare pair of underpants, love!
- You take one spare pair of underpants?
- Always have a spare pair you never know when you--
- Wait, hold on.
Is that in addition to a pair a day
or do you just go away with one pair?
(audience laughing)
Like a pair on and a pair in your bag?
Cause then you can rub them through can't you?
I've seen it in streams and that.
- That's the ideal.
- The ideal.
- You can get your bag down to about that size.
- (gasps)
My hand bag is bigger than that.
(audience laughing)
- But I need everything in it.
Shut up!
(audience laughing)
How did you get into presenting travel programmes?
Did you just get sick of forcing the neighbours
to look at your photographs and think I'm just going
to have to make this into a tele-program?
- (laughs) No I was hanging around doing,
it was after, I'd done A Fish Called Wanda
and there was really no other films around
and Python had ended up.
And the BBC came to me and this guy
sort of rang me up and said:
"We've got a project for you that only you can do."
It's basically going around the world in 80 days.
You be Phileas Fogg.
You have a camera following you all the way around.
And you have got the absolute combination
of physical prower, that's mental agility, wit
humour, you know physical presence.
You're just the man for the job.
I'm susceptible to a bit of flattering,
so I said, okay you're on.
And it was only half way around the world
when the director got a bit pissed
in a bar in Madras, I think it was.
I realised I was the fifth person they asked to do it
(audience laughs)
So much for my natural stardom
There we are.
- You've been almost every where around the world,
haven't you?
Can you show me on this globe,
where you've had the shits?
(audience laughing)
- Well, you can see because its not been cleaned off
Just there
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- And you thought that was the Sahara Dessert.
(audience laughing)
- Another thing about train toilets
Well, he's been everywhere.
How do you get the doors to lock properly?
Do you know?
Have you? You know the toilets
where they're just the door (mouthing buzz)
- Oh those?
- And then it opens (buzzing sound)
and then there's an old lady having a wee.
(audience laughing)
- She can't reach the button.
- She can't get up because she's having a wee.
Have you ever been in a toilet like that?
- I have been stuck in one of those,
its terrible, its a panic.
Total panic sensation, especially with
the old lady there as well.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- You've travelled the world North, South, East to West.
Have you ever been to South Shields?
Where I'm from.
- I haven't been to South Shields.
- (gasp)
- But you know Eric Idle was born there,
does he have a plack there?
Along with yours? That says.
- Along with mine?
(audience laughing)
I mean, I've drawn on a wall but I don't think
that's the same thing.
- The council has to draw on it for you.
Put your name on it.
- I wish, he must have a plack. Must he?
- Sarah Millican leant on this wall,
that's what they ought to put.
- Well that would just be a dent.
(audience laughing)
You wouldn't need a plack for that.
- What would I go see in South Shields?
What would be the 3 most important things?
- You want 3 things?
(audience laughing)
- What I'd like to know is have you ever sat
in the baggage carousel and just gone all the way around?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah actually
- Its tempting isn't it?
Its always tempting.
- Yeah, no, actually I have.
- No.
- Yeah, on A Fish Called Wanda,
I had to, there's a bit where I'm on the um playing Ken
and I'm making a get away
and I get onto the baggage carousel Heathrow
and it goes along and then I go down a chute
and I don't know quite why but I did it.
(audience laughing)
- You're generally known and I think
you've proved it tonight.
You're generally known as a very nice man aren't you?
Well you are, you might not agree
Have you ever been a dick?
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- I heard a story about a journalist,
is this true ?
I don't know if this is true about your house?
Is that true?
- Oh well. That's often quoted as the time I lost my temper.
I wouldn't say I was a dick.
I lost my temper.
- Maybe I'll be the judge.
(audience laughing)
- It was about, early 1980's, two guys came around
to interview me about my film
the Missionary or something like that.
And I don't know, they were just very sort of
poncy, pretentious, clever dicks really.
And I walked out of the interview,
but it was my house unfortunately.
So I (laughs)
(audience laughing)
This was the problem.
I left them in the room and I was going downstairs,
oh no actually, hang on.
I've done that the wrong way around.
(audience laughing)
so I went out BANG, slammed the door
and went out on the street.
They were in there, (laughs)
With my wife.
- (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- And finally, are you still a lumberjack?
And are you okay?
- Yeah.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory
Am Mittwoch geht er shopping
Kaut Kekse zum kaffee
- That's the German version of the lumberjack song.
♪Ich bin ein Holzfäller und fühl mich stark♪
♪Ich schlaf des Nachts und hack am Tag♪
(audience laughing) - (laughs)
(audience clapping)
- That's still in here after all those years?
That's still in there.
- We did a Python show in Germany
and they took most of our sketches
and said well you have to speak German.
You know the only German I know is Python sketches.
(audience laughing)
So you know, its great actually,
I was skiing all day once and some Germans,
were going up upon these train lifts.
Took a long time and they said:
"You know English people you know
why you never speak German?
We German all speak English, you never speak German.
Do you know German?
I said well a little bit.
(audience laughing)
( singing lumberjack song in German)
(singing continues)
That shut them up
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
- You have been such a wonderful guest.
Thank you very much for coming down to the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palin.
(audience clapping)
Hello. I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called Bobby Dazzler for all the information
about where I'm going and when go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.